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I was recently listening to a CD by John Assaraf an amazing personal development trainer and one of the teachers of The Secret. In the CD he recounted a story about love and respect that I wanted to paraphrase for you. He was at dinner with his wife Maria along with Susanne Summers and her husband Alan Hammil. John's wife asked Susanne how she and her husband Allan have stayed so strong in their marriage for so long through all the success. Susanne's reply was very simple she said, "#1 I give him his space and I respect him totally. And I know that he would love me even if I wasn't successful." She then asked John's wife, "Wouldn't you still love John if he wasn't successful?" Without missing a beat John's wife replied, "Of course I'd still love him....I'd miss him but I'd still love him."
Of course it was a funny little story John tells, but what Susanne Summers said is something we all can learn from.
First of all she said I give him his space.
As a spouse we should be willing, even encouraging for our spouse to have the space they need to grow, learn and stretch themselves. Doing activities together is great and should have a specific focus in your relationship. However, giving the other the opportunity to grow and expand as a man, woman, mother, father, husband or wife will only allow for each of you to be your best selves and will contribute to the growth of the marriage.
You need to make sure this "space" does not conflict with the duties and responsibilities of the marriage and home, and yet both of you definitely need that space to call your own.
The next thing she said was she respected him.
If you do not respect your spouse, you need to figure out why. Giving respect and feeling respected is crucial to the success of your marriage. Do you show respect in your words and deeds? In showing respect do you acknowledge the time, effort and talent it takes to do what each of you does throughout the day? My wife home schools our kids. I have so much respect for her ability to teach them what they need to know. To care enough for their education that she has taken it upon herself to guide their instruction.
In turn, I know she respects me for all I do in my endeavor of public speaking, writing and training. I know thins because she tells me. Even when she laughs at my many spelling mistakes, she always backs it up with some sort of "I'm proud of you and I respect what you are doing here" gesture.
How do you express your respect of your spouse to them?
And lastly she said that she knew her husband would love her even if she wasn't successful.
I once had a client who was having some difficult financial times and almost in passing, I asked his wife how she was doing. She responded with something I will never forget. She looked at me and said, "No matter what our finances are, or how bad it gets I know I have a husband who loves me and whom I love. I know he loves our children and loves God. Everything else can be taken away from me and as long as I still have that, I am doing just fine."
I believe a man can go through anything in life as long as he knows he is loved and respected.
This week make it a goal to show your love, respect and devotion to your spouse in all things. Not just the big stuff, but the little things as well. Then give each other the gift of personal space or alone time. Do this and just watch how your relationship will grow.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Be Happy
In her excellent book, Happy for NO Reason, Marci Shimoff teaches you how to be happy, just because. No reason at all. Not the new toy, not the job, not the family, not the boy or girlfriend, but just because you choose to be.
In marriage we too often allow outside sources or a belief in something determine whether or not we are happy. Often a spouse will continue a cycle of depression or self deprecating behavior because of a belief that when (blank) happens then (blank) will happen.
"When he says, I love you 20 times a day, then I'll be happy."
"When she gets along wiht my mother, then I will know she loves me."
"When he cleans up after himself, then i will stop nagging."
"When she understands how important the game is to me, then we won't fight anymore about my watching TV."
Whatever it is, it all a bunch of poo-poo. (That's right, I said it). Listen to me very carefully....YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DETERMINE YOUR HAPPINESS. It is never determined by he, she, them, that, or it. You can literally choose at anytime to be happy or not.
In the Italian movie Life is Beautiful, the main character is determined to help his son be happy even while in a Nazi concentration camp. He did this by making there time there a game. In my opinion, the wonderful part about this movie was that in order to help his son not be scared or unhappy, the main character Guido played by Roberto Benigni, had to choose to be happy himself. Did that mean he wasn't worried at times? Concerned for his wife and son's safety? Not at all. He lived in the real world, he just choose to be happy and help others be happy as well in spite of the surrounding danger and misery.
The key here is to practice learning the skill and developing that muscle so you can call upon it at any time. Marci's book is a very thorough guide to learning how to be Happy for No Reason in your marriage.
In marriage we too often allow outside sources or a belief in something determine whether or not we are happy. Often a spouse will continue a cycle of depression or self deprecating behavior because of a belief that when (blank) happens then (blank) will happen.
"When he says, I love you 20 times a day, then I'll be happy."
"When she gets along wiht my mother, then I will know she loves me."
"When he cleans up after himself, then i will stop nagging."
"When she understands how important the game is to me, then we won't fight anymore about my watching TV."
Whatever it is, it all a bunch of poo-poo. (That's right, I said it). Listen to me very carefully....YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DETERMINE YOUR HAPPINESS. It is never determined by he, she, them, that, or it. You can literally choose at anytime to be happy or not.
In the Italian movie Life is Beautiful, the main character is determined to help his son be happy even while in a Nazi concentration camp. He did this by making there time there a game. In my opinion, the wonderful part about this movie was that in order to help his son not be scared or unhappy, the main character Guido played by Roberto Benigni, had to choose to be happy himself. Did that mean he wasn't worried at times? Concerned for his wife and son's safety? Not at all. He lived in the real world, he just choose to be happy and help others be happy as well in spite of the surrounding danger and misery.
The key here is to practice learning the skill and developing that muscle so you can call upon it at any time. Marci's book is a very thorough guide to learning how to be Happy for No Reason in your marriage.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
See you next year.
My wish for all of you is to have an amazing new year. I hope this blog is an inspirational and helpful source for you. Whether you are single or married, this blog is meant for anyone who is interested in improving their relationships through practical experiences and ideas.
I hope to see all of you at my upcoming events.
See you next year!
I hope to see all of you at my upcoming events.
See you next year!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Go to bed with your spouse!
Okay, I admit it. I'm having an affair with my computer. I cozy up to my Facebook, lovingly stare at my email and I'm even getting ready to start a relationship with Twitter. Not to mention an occasional fondling of the blogosphere.
I use the internet for many reasons. Primarily for research, networking and marketing. Now, I know Im not alone. According to a recent study from IDC an internet tracking company,
"People now spend twice as much time surfing the Web as they do watching TV, according to new research from IDC.
IDC surveyed nearly one thousand Internet users for the survey. They found that:
* The Internet is the medium on which online users spend the most time (32.7 hours/week). This is equivalent to almost half of the total time spent each week using all media (70.6 hours).
* People spend twice as much time on the Internet as they spend watching television (16.4 hours).
* People spend eight times as much time on the Internet as they spent reading newspapers and magazines (3.9 hours)".
I have recently talked to a few couples where time spent on the internet or in front of the television is taking away from their relationship. Especially when it comes to the internet. Whether it's on-line gaming or chat rooms, use of the internet for non work purposes is quickly becoming the "other person" in the marriage. This is a huge danger that can quickly get out of hand.
For this entry I'm not even going to go into the issue of the ease of pornography or the supposed immunity in chat rooms that can lead to secret dating or romance, what I want to focus on is much simpler.
It's the danger of not going to bed together.
It can be blamed on television just as easily. Going to bed together, as often as possible is crucial to a good relationship. This time alone with no other distraction allows for conversation about the family and each other.
I am a night person, luckily so is Shannon. However, there are times where I just can't sleep or I want to write a little longer even though I am committed to going to bed at the same time as her. So in those times I will go with her to bed, have our conversation, say a prayer together and then as she falls asleep I will get up and finish what I started. Just wanting to be on-line or staying up without a true purpose is not an option.
Recently I was at a speaking engagement. After my presentation, one of the staff came to me and confessed to having spent an entire year of his life playing an online game called World of Warcraft. He was out of work and started playing around with this game one evening. Before he knew it, it was 3am. This started a habit where he would get up at 6am and get on line to play only to stop playing at 2am the next morning. His wife worked full time and supported their financial needs. When I asked him what his wife thought about him and this addiction, he proclaimed how amazing a wife he had and that even though he was sure she didn't like it, she "didn't really complain that much". I don't doubt his evaluation of her being an amazing wife. She would have to be amazingly patient in order to put up with that behavior. Unfortunately, I'm sure they never really got to discuss her true feelings of his addiction. I'm sure he never asked. When could he have? During the 4-6 hours of sleep he got. All the many night they both missed out on being and talking with each other because of a silly game. Nothing about his actions did anything to strengthen that marriage.
I was glad to see he finally got sick of doing nothing, finally logged off and got back to life. However, there is a year in their life that couple will never be able to get back. All those wasted nights spent on a game, they could have spent together. Strengthening their relationship. Growing together and actually knowing how the other felt about...what ever! Instead he has absolutely nothing to show for it other than regret and, on her part I would guess, disappointment.
If you find yourself staying up while your spouse is in bed because of a video game you want to finish or a television show you want to watch or you're chatting in a room, whit people you neither really know nor care about, you need to ask yourself, "What am I avoiding with this behavior?" Just as important, ask yourself, "What am I missing out on by not going to bed with my spouse?"
By the way it's not just men who have this issue. The fasting growing demographic of on line gambling is women.
A recent answer on a yahoo message board explained it well when asked this question.
"We had both been married before when we married each other several years ago. Before we married, we sat down and discussed the things that had gone wrong in our first marriages and talked about how not to repeat them. One of the issues that arose is that we had both had spouses who did not go to bed at the same time as us. My husband's first wife had used it as an avoidance tactic; he was always asleep by the time she came to bed.
We vowed to go to bed at the same time, and we always do. Sometimes it means that one of us has to compromise. My husband is an Army officer and when he comes home from a deployment or exercise he can be whacked by 8.00p.m but we STILL go to bed together. It truly makes a difference. We read, make love... talk things over....It always signals an especially close time when one of us says 'time for bed?' time for just us, alone together."
Do yourself and your relationship a favor this new year. Make a commitment to getting to bed together as often as possible this year. I guarantee it will change your relationship for the better.
I use the internet for many reasons. Primarily for research, networking and marketing. Now, I know Im not alone. According to a recent study from IDC an internet tracking company,
"People now spend twice as much time surfing the Web as they do watching TV, according to new research from IDC.
IDC surveyed nearly one thousand Internet users for the survey. They found that:
* The Internet is the medium on which online users spend the most time (32.7 hours/week). This is equivalent to almost half of the total time spent each week using all media (70.6 hours).
* People spend twice as much time on the Internet as they spend watching television (16.4 hours).
* People spend eight times as much time on the Internet as they spent reading newspapers and magazines (3.9 hours)".
I have recently talked to a few couples where time spent on the internet or in front of the television is taking away from their relationship. Especially when it comes to the internet. Whether it's on-line gaming or chat rooms, use of the internet for non work purposes is quickly becoming the "other person" in the marriage. This is a huge danger that can quickly get out of hand.
For this entry I'm not even going to go into the issue of the ease of pornography or the supposed immunity in chat rooms that can lead to secret dating or romance, what I want to focus on is much simpler.
It's the danger of not going to bed together.
It can be blamed on television just as easily. Going to bed together, as often as possible is crucial to a good relationship. This time alone with no other distraction allows for conversation about the family and each other.
I am a night person, luckily so is Shannon. However, there are times where I just can't sleep or I want to write a little longer even though I am committed to going to bed at the same time as her. So in those times I will go with her to bed, have our conversation, say a prayer together and then as she falls asleep I will get up and finish what I started. Just wanting to be on-line or staying up without a true purpose is not an option.
Recently I was at a speaking engagement. After my presentation, one of the staff came to me and confessed to having spent an entire year of his life playing an online game called World of Warcraft. He was out of work and started playing around with this game one evening. Before he knew it, it was 3am. This started a habit where he would get up at 6am and get on line to play only to stop playing at 2am the next morning. His wife worked full time and supported their financial needs. When I asked him what his wife thought about him and this addiction, he proclaimed how amazing a wife he had and that even though he was sure she didn't like it, she "didn't really complain that much". I don't doubt his evaluation of her being an amazing wife. She would have to be amazingly patient in order to put up with that behavior. Unfortunately, I'm sure they never really got to discuss her true feelings of his addiction. I'm sure he never asked. When could he have? During the 4-6 hours of sleep he got. All the many night they both missed out on being and talking with each other because of a silly game. Nothing about his actions did anything to strengthen that marriage.
I was glad to see he finally got sick of doing nothing, finally logged off and got back to life. However, there is a year in their life that couple will never be able to get back. All those wasted nights spent on a game, they could have spent together. Strengthening their relationship. Growing together and actually knowing how the other felt about...what ever! Instead he has absolutely nothing to show for it other than regret and, on her part I would guess, disappointment.
If you find yourself staying up while your spouse is in bed because of a video game you want to finish or a television show you want to watch or you're chatting in a room, whit people you neither really know nor care about, you need to ask yourself, "What am I avoiding with this behavior?" Just as important, ask yourself, "What am I missing out on by not going to bed with my spouse?"
By the way it's not just men who have this issue. The fasting growing demographic of on line gambling is women.
A recent answer on a yahoo message board explained it well when asked this question.
"We had both been married before when we married each other several years ago. Before we married, we sat down and discussed the things that had gone wrong in our first marriages and talked about how not to repeat them. One of the issues that arose is that we had both had spouses who did not go to bed at the same time as us. My husband's first wife had used it as an avoidance tactic; he was always asleep by the time she came to bed.
We vowed to go to bed at the same time, and we always do. Sometimes it means that one of us has to compromise. My husband is an Army officer and when he comes home from a deployment or exercise he can be whacked by 8.00p.m but we STILL go to bed together. It truly makes a difference. We read, make love... talk things over....It always signals an especially close time when one of us says 'time for bed?' time for just us, alone together."
Do yourself and your relationship a favor this new year. Make a commitment to getting to bed together as often as possible this year. I guarantee it will change your relationship for the better.
Renewing you!
The end of a year always seams like a great time for reflection as the approaching new year gives us the opportunity to renew. So take the time this week to sit down and take inventory of what it is you did this last year and what it is you want to accomplish this next year. Celebrate those things you did great at last year. Congratulate yourself for a job well done in specific areas and then write down how you would like to improve on them for next year. If you had a few things you fell short on last year, don't focus on them, just renew your commitment for the new year or realize you don't really want to focus on it this year and forget about it all together.
Goals or resolutions are not supposed to be something that depresses you if you don't make them, they are supposed to be a motivator for change. If every year you make the same resolution or goal only because you failed at accomplishing it last year and the year before that and the year before that, then maybe you should change the goal or even stop focusing on it all together. Why do you keep beating your self up for something you obviously don't really want to do in the first place.
If you really do want to make a change then make the reason for that change bigger. Make the WHY you want to do this bigger the your excuse not to. A lot of people set the goal to loose weight. It usually has to do with vanity more then health. However, if the WHY was truly because you see your health declining, blood pressure on the rise or you being a candidate for diabetes or heart failure, you probably would focus on that as your "why" as opposed to wanting to look good in a bathing suit.
Here's another idea about the weight thing. Don't set a goal to "loose" the weight. Most things that are "lost" tend to have a way of being found again. Release the weight from your life, therefore you won't go looking to find it again.
Sit down with yourself and your spouse and figure out what you want to renew about yourself this year. What personally do you want to gain or release from your life as well as as a couple. What financially do you want to gain or are their goals you set you want to renew.
Goal setting as a couple is vital to knowing where you want to go together. What you what to do or accomplish as a family.
Click here for some tips on setting goals for this new year from an interesting website I found.
Goals or resolutions are not supposed to be something that depresses you if you don't make them, they are supposed to be a motivator for change. If every year you make the same resolution or goal only because you failed at accomplishing it last year and the year before that and the year before that, then maybe you should change the goal or even stop focusing on it all together. Why do you keep beating your self up for something you obviously don't really want to do in the first place.
If you really do want to make a change then make the reason for that change bigger. Make the WHY you want to do this bigger the your excuse not to. A lot of people set the goal to loose weight. It usually has to do with vanity more then health. However, if the WHY was truly because you see your health declining, blood pressure on the rise or you being a candidate for diabetes or heart failure, you probably would focus on that as your "why" as opposed to wanting to look good in a bathing suit.
Here's another idea about the weight thing. Don't set a goal to "loose" the weight. Most things that are "lost" tend to have a way of being found again. Release the weight from your life, therefore you won't go looking to find it again.
Sit down with yourself and your spouse and figure out what you want to renew about yourself this year. What personally do you want to gain or release from your life as well as as a couple. What financially do you want to gain or are their goals you set you want to renew.
Goal setting as a couple is vital to knowing where you want to go together. What you what to do or accomplish as a family.
Click here for some tips on setting goals for this new year from an interesting website I found.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas
Whatever your traditions might be I hope you have a great holiday season filled with love and memories to last a lifetime.
From my family to yours,
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
From my family to yours,
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Monday, December 22, 2008
I still remember
I'm going to make this one a short one for all of you last minute husbands out there still trying to figure out what to get your spouse for Christmas,or if you are feeling the penny's pinch this month.
Give her a card, a letter or a mini-book of all the things you can remember about her. From the first time you saw her to now. No major explanations, just the things you remember.
Depending on how long you have known her, will determine how long the card or letter will be.
This idea also works for anyone who is just thinking of an inexpensive gift to a loved one.
Here are some other great gift ideas.
Give her a card, a letter or a mini-book of all the things you can remember about her. From the first time you saw her to now. No major explanations, just the things you remember.
Depending on how long you have known her, will determine how long the card or letter will be.
This idea also works for anyone who is just thinking of an inexpensive gift to a loved one.
Here are some other great gift ideas.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Poll Results
In our recent poll asking you when you feel the most love towards your spouse, the response was overwhelming.
56% of those who participated said they felt the most love for their spouse around the time of their anniversary.
A distant second was Christmas time at 26%. Followed by 20% saying their spouses birthday was the time they felt the most love. Surprising to only those who own stock in Hallmark, Valentines Day came in dead last with only 1% of the vote.
I think that's great. That's how it should be. I have never been a fan of the V-Day. Sure I've fallen into the trap of feeling the pressure to get a card or flowers for my wife. However, I tend to get her flowers every month anyway and would rather give her a card throughout the year because I want to express my feelings toward her, not because of pressure from a made up holiday.
Because most of you feel more love towards your spouse during your anniversary I want to offer an experiment. Let's remember back to when you were dating and/or first married and you marked every month as an anniversary. Let's go back to those times for the next six months. If your really daring, do it for a year. Do yourself and your marriage a favor and take it to the next level by not telling your spouse what you are up to. Just like your anniversary, make it on the same day every month.
You don't have to do anything fancy, just give them a card saying how much you appreciate them. Bring home a single rose. Make them their favorite dinner. Hire a house cleaner as a surprise. Use your imagination. The key is to not let them know what you are up to. Just do it because you want to remember and create that feeling of love towards them every month.
If the anniversary month is the time a majority of people feel the most love towards their spouse, then in order to strengthen your marriage it only makes since to make every month your anniversary month.
56% of those who participated said they felt the most love for their spouse around the time of their anniversary.
A distant second was Christmas time at 26%. Followed by 20% saying their spouses birthday was the time they felt the most love. Surprising to only those who own stock in Hallmark, Valentines Day came in dead last with only 1% of the vote.
I think that's great. That's how it should be. I have never been a fan of the V-Day. Sure I've fallen into the trap of feeling the pressure to get a card or flowers for my wife. However, I tend to get her flowers every month anyway and would rather give her a card throughout the year because I want to express my feelings toward her, not because of pressure from a made up holiday.
Because most of you feel more love towards your spouse during your anniversary I want to offer an experiment. Let's remember back to when you were dating and/or first married and you marked every month as an anniversary. Let's go back to those times for the next six months. If your really daring, do it for a year. Do yourself and your marriage a favor and take it to the next level by not telling your spouse what you are up to. Just like your anniversary, make it on the same day every month.
You don't have to do anything fancy, just give them a card saying how much you appreciate them. Bring home a single rose. Make them their favorite dinner. Hire a house cleaner as a surprise. Use your imagination. The key is to not let them know what you are up to. Just do it because you want to remember and create that feeling of love towards them every month.
If the anniversary month is the time a majority of people feel the most love towards their spouse, then in order to strengthen your marriage it only makes since to make every month your anniversary month.
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