Posts
My wish for all of you is to have an amazing new year. I hope this blog is an inspirational and helpful source for you. Whether you are single or married, this blog is meant for anyone who is interested in improving their relationships through practical experiences and ideas.
I hope to see all of you at my upcoming events.
See you next year!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Go to bed with your spouse!
Okay, I admit it. I'm having an affair with my computer. I cozy up to my Facebook, lovingly stare at my email and I'm even getting ready to start a relationship with Twitter. Not to mention an occasional fondling of the blogosphere.
I use the internet for many reasons. Primarily for research, networking and marketing. Now, I know Im not alone. According to a recent study from IDC an internet tracking company,
"People now spend twice as much time surfing the Web as they do watching TV, according to new research from IDC.
IDC surveyed nearly one thousand Internet users for the survey. They found that:
* The Internet is the medium on which online users spend the most time (32.7 hours/week). This is equivalent to almost half of the total time spent each week using all media (70.6 hours).
* People spend twice as much time on the Internet as they spend watching television (16.4 hours).
* People spend eight times as much time on the Internet as they spent reading newspapers and magazines (3.9 hours)".
I have recently talked to a few couples where time spent on the internet or in front of the television is taking away from their relationship. Especially when it comes to the internet. Whether it's on-line gaming or chat rooms, use of the internet for non work purposes is quickly becoming the "other person" in the marriage. This is a huge danger that can quickly get out of hand.
For this entry I'm not even going to go into the issue of the ease of pornography or the supposed immunity in chat rooms that can lead to secret dating or romance, what I want to focus on is much simpler.
It's the danger of not going to bed together.
It can be blamed on television just as easily. Going to bed together, as often as possible is crucial to a good relationship. This time alone with no other distraction allows for conversation about the family and each other.
I am a night person, luckily so is Shannon. However, there are times where I just can't sleep or I want to write a little longer even though I am committed to going to bed at the same time as her. So in those times I will go with her to bed, have our conversation, say a prayer together and then as she falls asleep I will get up and finish what I started. Just wanting to be on-line or staying up without a true purpose is not an option.
Recently I was at a speaking engagement. After my presentation, one of the staff came to me and confessed to having spent an entire year of his life playing an online game called World of Warcraft. He was out of work and started playing around with this game one evening. Before he knew it, it was 3am. This started a habit where he would get up at 6am and get on line to play only to stop playing at 2am the next morning. His wife worked full time and supported their financial needs. When I asked him what his wife thought about him and this addiction, he proclaimed how amazing a wife he had and that even though he was sure she didn't like it, she "didn't really complain that much". I don't doubt his evaluation of her being an amazing wife. She would have to be amazingly patient in order to put up with that behavior. Unfortunately, I'm sure they never really got to discuss her true feelings of his addiction. I'm sure he never asked. When could he have? During the 4-6 hours of sleep he got. All the many night they both missed out on being and talking with each other because of a silly game. Nothing about his actions did anything to strengthen that marriage.
I was glad to see he finally got sick of doing nothing, finally logged off and got back to life. However, there is a year in their life that couple will never be able to get back. All those wasted nights spent on a game, they could have spent together. Strengthening their relationship. Growing together and actually knowing how the other felt about...what ever! Instead he has absolutely nothing to show for it other than regret and, on her part I would guess, disappointment.
If you find yourself staying up while your spouse is in bed because of a video game you want to finish or a television show you want to watch or you're chatting in a room, whit people you neither really know nor care about, you need to ask yourself, "What am I avoiding with this behavior?" Just as important, ask yourself, "What am I missing out on by not going to bed with my spouse?"
By the way it's not just men who have this issue. The fasting growing demographic of on line gambling is women.
A recent answer on a yahoo message board explained it well when asked this question.
"We had both been married before when we married each other several years ago. Before we married, we sat down and discussed the things that had gone wrong in our first marriages and talked about how not to repeat them. One of the issues that arose is that we had both had spouses who did not go to bed at the same time as us. My husband's first wife had used it as an avoidance tactic; he was always asleep by the time she came to bed.
We vowed to go to bed at the same time, and we always do. Sometimes it means that one of us has to compromise. My husband is an Army officer and when he comes home from a deployment or exercise he can be whacked by 8.00p.m but we STILL go to bed together. It truly makes a difference. We read, make love... talk things over....It always signals an especially close time when one of us says 'time for bed?' time for just us, alone together."
Do yourself and your relationship a favor this new year. Make a commitment to getting to bed together as often as possible this year. I guarantee it will change your relationship for the better.
I use the internet for many reasons. Primarily for research, networking and marketing. Now, I know Im not alone. According to a recent study from IDC an internet tracking company,
"People now spend twice as much time surfing the Web as they do watching TV, according to new research from IDC.
IDC surveyed nearly one thousand Internet users for the survey. They found that:
* The Internet is the medium on which online users spend the most time (32.7 hours/week). This is equivalent to almost half of the total time spent each week using all media (70.6 hours).
* People spend twice as much time on the Internet as they spend watching television (16.4 hours).
* People spend eight times as much time on the Internet as they spent reading newspapers and magazines (3.9 hours)".
I have recently talked to a few couples where time spent on the internet or in front of the television is taking away from their relationship. Especially when it comes to the internet. Whether it's on-line gaming or chat rooms, use of the internet for non work purposes is quickly becoming the "other person" in the marriage. This is a huge danger that can quickly get out of hand.
For this entry I'm not even going to go into the issue of the ease of pornography or the supposed immunity in chat rooms that can lead to secret dating or romance, what I want to focus on is much simpler.
It's the danger of not going to bed together.
It can be blamed on television just as easily. Going to bed together, as often as possible is crucial to a good relationship. This time alone with no other distraction allows for conversation about the family and each other.
I am a night person, luckily so is Shannon. However, there are times where I just can't sleep or I want to write a little longer even though I am committed to going to bed at the same time as her. So in those times I will go with her to bed, have our conversation, say a prayer together and then as she falls asleep I will get up and finish what I started. Just wanting to be on-line or staying up without a true purpose is not an option.
Recently I was at a speaking engagement. After my presentation, one of the staff came to me and confessed to having spent an entire year of his life playing an online game called World of Warcraft. He was out of work and started playing around with this game one evening. Before he knew it, it was 3am. This started a habit where he would get up at 6am and get on line to play only to stop playing at 2am the next morning. His wife worked full time and supported their financial needs. When I asked him what his wife thought about him and this addiction, he proclaimed how amazing a wife he had and that even though he was sure she didn't like it, she "didn't really complain that much". I don't doubt his evaluation of her being an amazing wife. She would have to be amazingly patient in order to put up with that behavior. Unfortunately, I'm sure they never really got to discuss her true feelings of his addiction. I'm sure he never asked. When could he have? During the 4-6 hours of sleep he got. All the many night they both missed out on being and talking with each other because of a silly game. Nothing about his actions did anything to strengthen that marriage.
I was glad to see he finally got sick of doing nothing, finally logged off and got back to life. However, there is a year in their life that couple will never be able to get back. All those wasted nights spent on a game, they could have spent together. Strengthening their relationship. Growing together and actually knowing how the other felt about...what ever! Instead he has absolutely nothing to show for it other than regret and, on her part I would guess, disappointment.
If you find yourself staying up while your spouse is in bed because of a video game you want to finish or a television show you want to watch or you're chatting in a room, whit people you neither really know nor care about, you need to ask yourself, "What am I avoiding with this behavior?" Just as important, ask yourself, "What am I missing out on by not going to bed with my spouse?"
By the way it's not just men who have this issue. The fasting growing demographic of on line gambling is women.
A recent answer on a yahoo message board explained it well when asked this question.
"We had both been married before when we married each other several years ago. Before we married, we sat down and discussed the things that had gone wrong in our first marriages and talked about how not to repeat them. One of the issues that arose is that we had both had spouses who did not go to bed at the same time as us. My husband's first wife had used it as an avoidance tactic; he was always asleep by the time she came to bed.
We vowed to go to bed at the same time, and we always do. Sometimes it means that one of us has to compromise. My husband is an Army officer and when he comes home from a deployment or exercise he can be whacked by 8.00p.m but we STILL go to bed together. It truly makes a difference. We read, make love... talk things over....It always signals an especially close time when one of us says 'time for bed?' time for just us, alone together."
Do yourself and your relationship a favor this new year. Make a commitment to getting to bed together as often as possible this year. I guarantee it will change your relationship for the better.
Renewing you!
The end of a year always seams like a great time for reflection as the approaching new year gives us the opportunity to renew. So take the time this week to sit down and take inventory of what it is you did this last year and what it is you want to accomplish this next year. Celebrate those things you did great at last year. Congratulate yourself for a job well done in specific areas and then write down how you would like to improve on them for next year. If you had a few things you fell short on last year, don't focus on them, just renew your commitment for the new year or realize you don't really want to focus on it this year and forget about it all together.
Goals or resolutions are not supposed to be something that depresses you if you don't make them, they are supposed to be a motivator for change. If every year you make the same resolution or goal only because you failed at accomplishing it last year and the year before that and the year before that, then maybe you should change the goal or even stop focusing on it all together. Why do you keep beating your self up for something you obviously don't really want to do in the first place.
If you really do want to make a change then make the reason for that change bigger. Make the WHY you want to do this bigger the your excuse not to. A lot of people set the goal to loose weight. It usually has to do with vanity more then health. However, if the WHY was truly because you see your health declining, blood pressure on the rise or you being a candidate for diabetes or heart failure, you probably would focus on that as your "why" as opposed to wanting to look good in a bathing suit.
Here's another idea about the weight thing. Don't set a goal to "loose" the weight. Most things that are "lost" tend to have a way of being found again. Release the weight from your life, therefore you won't go looking to find it again.
Sit down with yourself and your spouse and figure out what you want to renew about yourself this year. What personally do you want to gain or release from your life as well as as a couple. What financially do you want to gain or are their goals you set you want to renew.
Goal setting as a couple is vital to knowing where you want to go together. What you what to do or accomplish as a family.
Click here for some tips on setting goals for this new year from an interesting website I found.
Goals or resolutions are not supposed to be something that depresses you if you don't make them, they are supposed to be a motivator for change. If every year you make the same resolution or goal only because you failed at accomplishing it last year and the year before that and the year before that, then maybe you should change the goal or even stop focusing on it all together. Why do you keep beating your self up for something you obviously don't really want to do in the first place.
If you really do want to make a change then make the reason for that change bigger. Make the WHY you want to do this bigger the your excuse not to. A lot of people set the goal to loose weight. It usually has to do with vanity more then health. However, if the WHY was truly because you see your health declining, blood pressure on the rise or you being a candidate for diabetes or heart failure, you probably would focus on that as your "why" as opposed to wanting to look good in a bathing suit.
Here's another idea about the weight thing. Don't set a goal to "loose" the weight. Most things that are "lost" tend to have a way of being found again. Release the weight from your life, therefore you won't go looking to find it again.
Sit down with yourself and your spouse and figure out what you want to renew about yourself this year. What personally do you want to gain or release from your life as well as as a couple. What financially do you want to gain or are their goals you set you want to renew.
Goal setting as a couple is vital to knowing where you want to go together. What you what to do or accomplish as a family.
Click here for some tips on setting goals for this new year from an interesting website I found.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas
Whatever your traditions might be I hope you have a great holiday season filled with love and memories to last a lifetime.
From my family to yours,
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
From my family to yours,
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Monday, December 22, 2008
I still remember
I'm going to make this one a short one for all of you last minute husbands out there still trying to figure out what to get your spouse for Christmas,or if you are feeling the penny's pinch this month.
Give her a card, a letter or a mini-book of all the things you can remember about her. From the first time you saw her to now. No major explanations, just the things you remember.
Depending on how long you have known her, will determine how long the card or letter will be.
This idea also works for anyone who is just thinking of an inexpensive gift to a loved one.
Here are some other great gift ideas.
Give her a card, a letter or a mini-book of all the things you can remember about her. From the first time you saw her to now. No major explanations, just the things you remember.
Depending on how long you have known her, will determine how long the card or letter will be.
This idea also works for anyone who is just thinking of an inexpensive gift to a loved one.
Here are some other great gift ideas.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Poll Results
In our recent poll asking you when you feel the most love towards your spouse, the response was overwhelming.
56% of those who participated said they felt the most love for their spouse around the time of their anniversary.
A distant second was Christmas time at 26%. Followed by 20% saying their spouses birthday was the time they felt the most love. Surprising to only those who own stock in Hallmark, Valentines Day came in dead last with only 1% of the vote.
I think that's great. That's how it should be. I have never been a fan of the V-Day. Sure I've fallen into the trap of feeling the pressure to get a card or flowers for my wife. However, I tend to get her flowers every month anyway and would rather give her a card throughout the year because I want to express my feelings toward her, not because of pressure from a made up holiday.
Because most of you feel more love towards your spouse during your anniversary I want to offer an experiment. Let's remember back to when you were dating and/or first married and you marked every month as an anniversary. Let's go back to those times for the next six months. If your really daring, do it for a year. Do yourself and your marriage a favor and take it to the next level by not telling your spouse what you are up to. Just like your anniversary, make it on the same day every month.
You don't have to do anything fancy, just give them a card saying how much you appreciate them. Bring home a single rose. Make them their favorite dinner. Hire a house cleaner as a surprise. Use your imagination. The key is to not let them know what you are up to. Just do it because you want to remember and create that feeling of love towards them every month.
If the anniversary month is the time a majority of people feel the most love towards their spouse, then in order to strengthen your marriage it only makes since to make every month your anniversary month.
56% of those who participated said they felt the most love for their spouse around the time of their anniversary.
A distant second was Christmas time at 26%. Followed by 20% saying their spouses birthday was the time they felt the most love. Surprising to only those who own stock in Hallmark, Valentines Day came in dead last with only 1% of the vote.
I think that's great. That's how it should be. I have never been a fan of the V-Day. Sure I've fallen into the trap of feeling the pressure to get a card or flowers for my wife. However, I tend to get her flowers every month anyway and would rather give her a card throughout the year because I want to express my feelings toward her, not because of pressure from a made up holiday.
Because most of you feel more love towards your spouse during your anniversary I want to offer an experiment. Let's remember back to when you were dating and/or first married and you marked every month as an anniversary. Let's go back to those times for the next six months. If your really daring, do it for a year. Do yourself and your marriage a favor and take it to the next level by not telling your spouse what you are up to. Just like your anniversary, make it on the same day every month.
You don't have to do anything fancy, just give them a card saying how much you appreciate them. Bring home a single rose. Make them their favorite dinner. Hire a house cleaner as a surprise. Use your imagination. The key is to not let them know what you are up to. Just do it because you want to remember and create that feeling of love towards them every month.
If the anniversary month is the time a majority of people feel the most love towards their spouse, then in order to strengthen your marriage it only makes since to make every month your anniversary month.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Powerful request from a Pastor
Recently I heard a news story about some very interesting and powerful council from a Pastor of a church in Grapevine, TX. Why it struck me is because I have often suggested the same thing to couples who are having a strain in their marriage or just want to grow closer to each other.
Rev. Ed Young, pastor of the Fellowship Church, suggested to his married couples an entire week of “congregational copulation”. That's right; SEX. He did this while pacing in front of a large bed and flipping through a Bible.
The article called this a "controversial topic among his religious community". However, I don't know anything controversial about it. Hello secular world and media, Christians like to have sex to. We just prefer not to have it splattered all over the television and computer in the name of, so called "sexual freedom". Sexual fulfillment is one of the most spiritual things you can do in your marriage and will have major lasting affects on your relationship.
The challenge was to have sex everyday, at least once, for an entire week. (I can hear and see some of the gasping and eye rolling now from some of you) His advice is right on. A healthy sex life is not only important to a relationship but give you a connection you don't get otherwise in your otherwise busy lives. It allows the two of you to become one, and if done properly, allows the other to focus on the needs of the one person they love most in the world.
Some of you might be worried this challenge will have you making love out of obligation not desire. I would propose this; If the thought of having intimate alone time with you spouse, everyday for an entire week automatically brings up concerns or ways to denounce the challenge, you probably do the same when it comes to any amount of intimacy with your spouse. You think of excuses or reasons why it won't work for you or why that's a crazy request. That's why taking on this challenge is a great opportunity for you to actually work on making it spontaneous and create that desire.
In her book, And They Were Not Ashmed, Laura Brotherson writes,
"A little playfulness and creativity in appropriate ways can add vitality to your sexual relationship. Don't let lovemaking become predictable or routine-predictability can squelch sensuality."
I can hear some of you now, "But if we are both committed to making love for an entire week, where's the spontaneity in that?"
Like Laura says, shake it up a bit. Steel a moment away in the middle of the day. Surprise him at work. Take a bath together after the kids go to bed. Welcome him home with the kids gone at grandma's house and you in the buff. Make it up! Get creative. If you are feeling empty in the creative arena, do something really crazy and ask your spouse what they think would be creative.
At this closing of the year, why not set a goal that you can not only keep up on, but will absolutely strengthen your marriage. Once you have taken up the challenge from myself and Pastor Young for one week, continue by following his further advice to his congregation after the experiment was over, “keep on doing what you’ve been doing this week. We should try to double up the amount of intimacy we have in marriage. And when I say intimacy, I don’t mean holding hands in the park or a back rub.”
Rev. Ed Young, pastor of the Fellowship Church, suggested to his married couples an entire week of “congregational copulation”. That's right; SEX. He did this while pacing in front of a large bed and flipping through a Bible.
The article called this a "controversial topic among his religious community". However, I don't know anything controversial about it. Hello secular world and media, Christians like to have sex to. We just prefer not to have it splattered all over the television and computer in the name of, so called "sexual freedom". Sexual fulfillment is one of the most spiritual things you can do in your marriage and will have major lasting affects on your relationship.
The challenge was to have sex everyday, at least once, for an entire week. (I can hear and see some of the gasping and eye rolling now from some of you) His advice is right on. A healthy sex life is not only important to a relationship but give you a connection you don't get otherwise in your otherwise busy lives. It allows the two of you to become one, and if done properly, allows the other to focus on the needs of the one person they love most in the world.
Some of you might be worried this challenge will have you making love out of obligation not desire. I would propose this; If the thought of having intimate alone time with you spouse, everyday for an entire week automatically brings up concerns or ways to denounce the challenge, you probably do the same when it comes to any amount of intimacy with your spouse. You think of excuses or reasons why it won't work for you or why that's a crazy request. That's why taking on this challenge is a great opportunity for you to actually work on making it spontaneous and create that desire.
In her book, And They Were Not Ashmed, Laura Brotherson writes,
"A little playfulness and creativity in appropriate ways can add vitality to your sexual relationship. Don't let lovemaking become predictable or routine-predictability can squelch sensuality."
I can hear some of you now, "But if we are both committed to making love for an entire week, where's the spontaneity in that?"
Like Laura says, shake it up a bit. Steel a moment away in the middle of the day. Surprise him at work. Take a bath together after the kids go to bed. Welcome him home with the kids gone at grandma's house and you in the buff. Make it up! Get creative. If you are feeling empty in the creative arena, do something really crazy and ask your spouse what they think would be creative.
At this closing of the year, why not set a goal that you can not only keep up on, but will absolutely strengthen your marriage. Once you have taken up the challenge from myself and Pastor Young for one week, continue by following his further advice to his congregation after the experiment was over, “keep on doing what you’ve been doing this week. We should try to double up the amount of intimacy we have in marriage. And when I say intimacy, I don’t mean holding hands in the park or a back rub.”
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
What makes them feel loved?
Do you know what make your spouse feel loved? Do they know what makes you feel loved?
Have you asked them? Have they told you?
Too often we assume what makes the other feel loved or important and too often we get it wrong. Why? Because we assume we know and yet all we really have to do is ask and we will never have confusion again.
What if you had a literal list of things your spouse told you make them feel loved and important? You could wake up in the morning and look at the list of things you could do and then do them. Boom! Guaranteed affection! No guess work involved. It's all right on the list they made. It's almost like having an instruction manual for your spouse on how to make them feel loved. Can you imagine how many disappointments and even arguments that would resolve?
Well stop imagining and start doing.
Here is a date night assignment for you:
Forget the movie. Go to a quiet place, even check into a hotel if you have to, and make lists with each other. Talk about exactly what it is that makes you feel loved.
Do you feel love when he takes out the garbage?
Do you feel love when she makes your favorite breakfast?
Do you feel love when he let's you sleep in?
Do you feel love when she lets you watch the entire game with out interruption?
Name both the big and little things. Those things that take planning as well as those that can be done very quickly. Don't hold back!
Then take that list and place it somewhere it is easily accessible like a refrigerator or in the bathroom. Then it will work as a constant reminder as well as a guide.
Have you asked them? Have they told you?
Too often we assume what makes the other feel loved or important and too often we get it wrong. Why? Because we assume we know and yet all we really have to do is ask and we will never have confusion again.
What if you had a literal list of things your spouse told you make them feel loved and important? You could wake up in the morning and look at the list of things you could do and then do them. Boom! Guaranteed affection! No guess work involved. It's all right on the list they made. It's almost like having an instruction manual for your spouse on how to make them feel loved. Can you imagine how many disappointments and even arguments that would resolve?
Well stop imagining and start doing.
Here is a date night assignment for you:
Forget the movie. Go to a quiet place, even check into a hotel if you have to, and make lists with each other. Talk about exactly what it is that makes you feel loved.
Do you feel love when he takes out the garbage?
Do you feel love when she makes your favorite breakfast?
Do you feel love when he let's you sleep in?
Do you feel love when she lets you watch the entire game with out interruption?
Name both the big and little things. Those things that take planning as well as those that can be done very quickly. Don't hold back!
Then take that list and place it somewhere it is easily accessible like a refrigerator or in the bathroom. Then it will work as a constant reminder as well as a guide.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
What's your family pecking order
In a recent study by the Edmonton Journal the number of divorces amongst older couples compared to their younger counterparts unfortunately is on the rise.
As a matter of fact between 1993 and 2003, the overall divorce rate fell by more than 11%, led by declines of over 40% among people in their 20’s and close to 30% among people in their 30’s. While divorce among couples in their 40’s rose slightly, the rate jumped 34% for those in the 50-54 age group. Among those aged 55-59, it reached a staggering peak of 47%. For those in their early 60s, the increase was less, but it still stood at 31.7%. Among seniors, it fell further to 9.2%.
I believe the high rate in the 50-59 age range is due to too many couples, in this case baby boomers, focusing their parenting on the needs and desires of the children needs over and above the needs of their spouse. Therefore once the children are out of the home, the husband and wife no longer know each other or have the burring desire towards one another they should have because they spend to much of their focus in the wrong area. Loving your children is obviously of great importance. However, the love between a husband and wife must be consistently nurtured and cared for, even beyond that of the children.
The Scripture say, "Let a man cling unto his wife and none other." It does not follow with, unless you want to make your children your best friend or you feel guilty for "whatever". Your husband or wife should always come first. Let your children know this. Tell them of the "Pecking order" when it comes to your affection. We have had that conversation many times in our home and the kids are grateful for it. They know that mom and dad are a united front and if push ever comes to shove we will choose each other as husband and wife over them. The more we not only tell them this, but show them by our example of love and affection towards one another in front of them, the stronger people and spouses they will be in their own marriage.
As a matter of fact between 1993 and 2003, the overall divorce rate fell by more than 11%, led by declines of over 40% among people in their 20’s and close to 30% among people in their 30’s. While divorce among couples in their 40’s rose slightly, the rate jumped 34% for those in the 50-54 age group. Among those aged 55-59, it reached a staggering peak of 47%. For those in their early 60s, the increase was less, but it still stood at 31.7%. Among seniors, it fell further to 9.2%.
I believe the high rate in the 50-59 age range is due to too many couples, in this case baby boomers, focusing their parenting on the needs and desires of the children needs over and above the needs of their spouse. Therefore once the children are out of the home, the husband and wife no longer know each other or have the burring desire towards one another they should have because they spend to much of their focus in the wrong area. Loving your children is obviously of great importance. However, the love between a husband and wife must be consistently nurtured and cared for, even beyond that of the children.
The Scripture say, "Let a man cling unto his wife and none other." It does not follow with, unless you want to make your children your best friend or you feel guilty for "whatever". Your husband or wife should always come first. Let your children know this. Tell them of the "Pecking order" when it comes to your affection. We have had that conversation many times in our home and the kids are grateful for it. They know that mom and dad are a united front and if push ever comes to shove we will choose each other as husband and wife over them. The more we not only tell them this, but show them by our example of love and affection towards one another in front of them, the stronger people and spouses they will be in their own marriage.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Act as if
I am the worlds greatest Husband and father. Why? Because I act as if I am.
For those of you who have been at my trainings before you have heard me use this phrase over and over again.
Acting as if is the fastest way to becoming something you want to be.
Do you want to become the worlds greatest husband or father? Then start doing what you think the worlds greatest husband and father would do and start doing it.
It's the same for anything; do you want to become a millionaire? Then you have to find out what millionaires do through the study of them in books like Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill or The Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker and and start acting accordingly.
No matter what it is, if you truly start to act like whatever it is you want to become, you can not stop from eventually becoming that thing.
If you feel you are having a challenge in your relationship being what you really want to be, then start today by changing. If you need help, and you have already downloaded my 8 Systems audio as well as been a regular reader of the blog, email me and I will be happy to give some suggestions.
For those of you who have been at my trainings before you have heard me use this phrase over and over again.
Acting as if is the fastest way to becoming something you want to be.
Do you want to become the worlds greatest husband or father? Then start doing what you think the worlds greatest husband and father would do and start doing it.
It's the same for anything; do you want to become a millionaire? Then you have to find out what millionaires do through the study of them in books like Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill or The Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker and and start acting accordingly.
No matter what it is, if you truly start to act like whatever it is you want to become, you can not stop from eventually becoming that thing.
If you feel you are having a challenge in your relationship being what you really want to be, then start today by changing. If you need help, and you have already downloaded my 8 Systems audio as well as been a regular reader of the blog, email me and I will be happy to give some suggestions.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Stuff it with a letter
It's an old and wise saying which tells us "the best gift is a gift from the heart". So this year why not give a little something extra of yourself in your spouses Christmas stocking this year. A letter of gratitude and love. Sure the shiny(jewelry) and smelly (cologne) things are nice but you will absolutely blow them away with a simple hand written, (or if your like me and need spell check even typed will do), letter from the heart.
Hopefully their joy in receiving this note will inspire you to do it more often throughout the year.
In a recent post Sheri and Bob Stritof from About.com gave some great tips about how to leave notes for your loved one.
Here are a few suggested topics:
Let them know why your love grew for them more this year.
How their help with a certain challenge was important to you.
List what you are truly thankful to them for.
What your goals are as a spouse this upcoming year.
What are the things they do that make you feel loved.
The best thing about this "stuffer" is it will never loose its shine or fragrance. Your spouse will be able to pull your note out whenever they want to and feel that sense of gratitude and love from you. It also has the possibility of being opened and read many years from now by your grown children, serving as a witness to their parents love for each other. Is there really any better gift than that?
Hopefully their joy in receiving this note will inspire you to do it more often throughout the year.
In a recent post Sheri and Bob Stritof from About.com gave some great tips about how to leave notes for your loved one.
Here are a few suggested topics:
Let them know why your love grew for them more this year.
How their help with a certain challenge was important to you.
List what you are truly thankful to them for.
What your goals are as a spouse this upcoming year.
What are the things they do that make you feel loved.
The best thing about this "stuffer" is it will never loose its shine or fragrance. Your spouse will be able to pull your note out whenever they want to and feel that sense of gratitude and love from you. It also has the possibility of being opened and read many years from now by your grown children, serving as a witness to their parents love for each other. Is there really any better gift than that?
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Couples see economy as a time to rethink things
Isn't it interesting how it takes a tragedy or a challenge in our life to make us rethink a few things. Turn on the news and just about every night there is a story about how bad the economy is and right behind it is a story about how you can, "Tighten your belt" or other tips on how to get through this tough time. Because of the economic struggle many are facing, there is a trend to get back to basics and re-think what is important or necessary in our lives. The quick rash decision making when it comes to money has given way to more planning and better money management. That same trend is showing itself in another area as well; divorce.
Recently the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) conducted a survey and found that 37% of AAML members said they typically see a decrease in the number of divorce cases during national economic downturns, 19% experienced an increase.
Gary Nickelson, president of AAML says, "Many individuals tend to employ a wait-and-see strategy during a troubled marriage and are very well prepared when it comes time to file for divorce. A sudden drop in net worth can effectively postpone this final decision from being made."
So basically, because it doesn't make good financial sense right now, people are forced to re-think this devastating decision. It's a bit sad that money is the reason people are forced to do this, yet also a blessing in disguise for many who take the opportunity to find their desire for one another again.
Recently the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) conducted a survey and found that 37% of AAML members said they typically see a decrease in the number of divorce cases during national economic downturns, 19% experienced an increase.
Gary Nickelson, president of AAML says, "Many individuals tend to employ a wait-and-see strategy during a troubled marriage and are very well prepared when it comes time to file for divorce. A sudden drop in net worth can effectively postpone this final decision from being made."
So basically, because it doesn't make good financial sense right now, people are forced to re-think this devastating decision. It's a bit sad that money is the reason people are forced to do this, yet also a blessing in disguise for many who take the opportunity to find their desire for one another again.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Dating or engaged evaluation
I have been asked by my non-married friends to create a questionnaire they can use so here goes. The first one was one I tweaked from the internet. This one I tweaked again. I hope it helps assess the strength and maturity of your relationship or pending nuptials. It is suggested that each of you complete it separately, then compare notes. Rate your relationship or expectation of what you want in your marriage on a scale from 1 (lowest) to 5 (highest) in each of the different categories. This will highlight areas for growth or in some cases reconsideration. It also highlights differences in perception about your combined strengths and weaknesses. Over all, I hope it starts a conversation around what you both expect out of your marriage.
Affection
Companionship/Friendship 1 2 3 4 5
Do you enjoy being together? Talking? Is the other your best friend? Do you like non-sexual touching i.e. holding hands? Cuddling on the couch? Kissing in public?
Communication
Understanding/Empathy 1 2 3 4 5
Do you know all about each other? Do you want to know them inside out? Do you want to be known in the same way? Absolutely honest? Nothing hidden? Are you open with thoughts, feelings, facts, sins, dreams? Are you both growing more aware of and sensitive to the other's feelings, concerns? How often do you talk? Deeply?
Encouragement/Esteem-Building 1 2 3 4 5
What does they believe about you? That you are a loser or that you are amazing and wonderful in every way? That they are settling for you due to age, time or other extenuation circumstances? How frequently do you compliment each other? How often do you say "I love you" or express appreciation for one another? Do you hurt each other with cutting or careless remarks? Sarcasm? Skepticism? Negativity? Indifference? Do they make you feel special? Competent? Beautiful? How frequently?
Intimacy 1 2 3 4 5
Does they express his/her affection often? Display affection in public? Does your spouse touch you enough? Too much? The way you like it? Do you plan on going to bed together? Get up together? Do you kiss each other often? When you greet one another?
Do you consider their needs/desires above your own? Do you ever make cutting remarks about the others body? Have you discussed how you will deal with the possibility of being attracted to another?
Sex 1 2 3 4 5
Do you believe sex is important? Are you waiting for sex till marriage? Do you enjoy making out with them? Do you feel comfortable having a discussion if you have a dream about someone else? Will that hurt their feelings? Have you discussed what you want your sex life to be like? Have you talked about what you are or are not willing to do? Do you consider their needs/desires above your own? Are they open to discussion if either of you feels denied sexually? Is either of you ashamed of the other seeing your body? Do you ever make cutting remarks about the others body?
Captivation 1 2 3 4 5
Are all of your amorous/sexual thoughts and energies focused on them alone? Are they growing stronger? Do they know how much you love him/her? Do you think often about the other? Do you love to look at and watch them? Have you created a plan on how you will help your love and affection continue to grow throughout the years?
Conflict Resolution 1 2 3 4 5
Do you resolve conflict easily? Quickly? Is there lingering bitterness? Do you lack of forgiveness? Do you have a record of wrongs? Do you respect each others opinions? Feelings? Do you avoid conflict or resolve it? Do you walk out on conflict? Do you find it easier to just give up? Do you find mutually beneficial solutions? Are you willing to sacrifice? Compromise? Is harmony more important to you than winning? Other than in addiction, affair or abuse, Is divorce an option?
Cooperation
Like-minded/God-centered 1 2 3 4 5
Do you believe the same spiritual matters? If you are Christian are you both Disciples of Christ? If you are not, do you study your religion together? Is your life focused on your beliefs? Both of you? Do you love what God loves? Hate what God hates? Are you confident your spouse shares your same values? Are you working toward the same goals? As a team? Together? Have you discussed how you will support each other in the “weak times” or times when you are questioning your faith?
Roles 1 2 3 4 5
Does each of you know and accept your God-given roles in marriage? Is he ready to lead? Is she ready to help? Have you noticed him abuse his role by dominating decisions or do you both have equal respect for one another? Do you help the other fill the role God has given them? Is he willing to work a fast food counter if necessary to support her? Is she willing to encourage him in his chosen profession?
Finances 1 2 3 4 5
Do you know how much debt each has? Do you respect the way they handle finances? Do they respect the way you handle finances? What do you both think about money? Is it a good thing? Do you want as much as you can get? How will you divide financial responsibilities? Do you know where each others strengths are? Do you both share the same financial goals?
Children 1 2 3 4 5
Are you sure you both want children? Do you have a clear idea of how many children you both want? Do you agree on whether, when, and how to start (or increase) your family? Are you unified in you efforts to raise, discipline, and teach your children? Have you discussed how you will discipline your children? Spanking? Yelling? If they have children from a previous relationship, how will your role as the one “stepping” be defined?
In-Laws 1 2 3 4 5
Do you both get along with each others parents? Other family members? Do you have specific boundaries about how much involvement their mother/ father can have on your marriage? Do you want to live by their family? Do they want to live by your family?
If you were to look at your pending marriage as a business partnership, you would want to know that your possible partner shared as much interest in growing and expanding your business as you do. You would not accept mediocrity from them just because you liked them or felt good about them. As a matter of face, Fortune 500 companies spend lots of money hiring head hunters and recruiters to find just the right person for the job. I hope this survey/ evaluation helps yo do the same.
Affection
Companionship/Friendship 1 2 3 4 5
Do you enjoy being together? Talking? Is the other your best friend? Do you like non-sexual touching i.e. holding hands? Cuddling on the couch? Kissing in public?
Communication
Understanding/Empathy 1 2 3 4 5
Do you know all about each other? Do you want to know them inside out? Do you want to be known in the same way? Absolutely honest? Nothing hidden? Are you open with thoughts, feelings, facts, sins, dreams? Are you both growing more aware of and sensitive to the other's feelings, concerns? How often do you talk? Deeply?
Encouragement/Esteem-Building 1 2 3 4 5
What does they believe about you? That you are a loser or that you are amazing and wonderful in every way? That they are settling for you due to age, time or other extenuation circumstances? How frequently do you compliment each other? How often do you say "I love you" or express appreciation for one another? Do you hurt each other with cutting or careless remarks? Sarcasm? Skepticism? Negativity? Indifference? Do they make you feel special? Competent? Beautiful? How frequently?
Intimacy 1 2 3 4 5
Does they express his/her affection often? Display affection in public? Does your spouse touch you enough? Too much? The way you like it? Do you plan on going to bed together? Get up together? Do you kiss each other often? When you greet one another?
Do you consider their needs/desires above your own? Do you ever make cutting remarks about the others body? Have you discussed how you will deal with the possibility of being attracted to another?
Sex 1 2 3 4 5
Do you believe sex is important? Are you waiting for sex till marriage? Do you enjoy making out with them? Do you feel comfortable having a discussion if you have a dream about someone else? Will that hurt their feelings? Have you discussed what you want your sex life to be like? Have you talked about what you are or are not willing to do? Do you consider their needs/desires above your own? Are they open to discussion if either of you feels denied sexually? Is either of you ashamed of the other seeing your body? Do you ever make cutting remarks about the others body?
Captivation 1 2 3 4 5
Are all of your amorous/sexual thoughts and energies focused on them alone? Are they growing stronger? Do they know how much you love him/her? Do you think often about the other? Do you love to look at and watch them? Have you created a plan on how you will help your love and affection continue to grow throughout the years?
Conflict Resolution 1 2 3 4 5
Do you resolve conflict easily? Quickly? Is there lingering bitterness? Do you lack of forgiveness? Do you have a record of wrongs? Do you respect each others opinions? Feelings? Do you avoid conflict or resolve it? Do you walk out on conflict? Do you find it easier to just give up? Do you find mutually beneficial solutions? Are you willing to sacrifice? Compromise? Is harmony more important to you than winning? Other than in addiction, affair or abuse, Is divorce an option?
Cooperation
Like-minded/God-centered 1 2 3 4 5
Do you believe the same spiritual matters? If you are Christian are you both Disciples of Christ? If you are not, do you study your religion together? Is your life focused on your beliefs? Both of you? Do you love what God loves? Hate what God hates? Are you confident your spouse shares your same values? Are you working toward the same goals? As a team? Together? Have you discussed how you will support each other in the “weak times” or times when you are questioning your faith?
Roles 1 2 3 4 5
Does each of you know and accept your God-given roles in marriage? Is he ready to lead? Is she ready to help? Have you noticed him abuse his role by dominating decisions or do you both have equal respect for one another? Do you help the other fill the role God has given them? Is he willing to work a fast food counter if necessary to support her? Is she willing to encourage him in his chosen profession?
Finances 1 2 3 4 5
Do you know how much debt each has? Do you respect the way they handle finances? Do they respect the way you handle finances? What do you both think about money? Is it a good thing? Do you want as much as you can get? How will you divide financial responsibilities? Do you know where each others strengths are? Do you both share the same financial goals?
Children 1 2 3 4 5
Are you sure you both want children? Do you have a clear idea of how many children you both want? Do you agree on whether, when, and how to start (or increase) your family? Are you unified in you efforts to raise, discipline, and teach your children? Have you discussed how you will discipline your children? Spanking? Yelling? If they have children from a previous relationship, how will your role as the one “stepping” be defined?
In-Laws 1 2 3 4 5
Do you both get along with each others parents? Other family members? Do you have specific boundaries about how much involvement their mother/ father can have on your marriage? Do you want to live by their family? Do they want to live by your family?
If you were to look at your pending marriage as a business partnership, you would want to know that your possible partner shared as much interest in growing and expanding your business as you do. You would not accept mediocrity from them just because you liked them or felt good about them. As a matter of face, Fortune 500 companies spend lots of money hiring head hunters and recruiters to find just the right person for the job. I hope this survey/ evaluation helps yo do the same.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
It's that time of year!
During this Christmas season try to focus on giving daily gifts to one another. Not gifts you buy, rather gifts from the heart. Why not do a twelve days of Christmas of your own and become the "true love" spoken of in the traditional song.
Here are a few suggestions, please feel free to make up your own.
On the first day of Christmas my True Love gave to me...
1. Big Wet Kiss (In front of kids if applicable)
2. Light taps (or squeezes) on the bum.
3. Blooming roses
4. "Just because" calls in the middle of the day.
5. Have spontaneous "alone time"
6. Open her car door. Greet him at the door.
7. Slow dancing in the kitchen.
8. Let her hold the remote. Let him flip through the channels.
9. Good morning greeting with a kiss.
10. Sincere complement.
11. Take a walk together.
12. Gratitude notes.
If you were to follow the song, including the repeats, by the end of twelve days you would have:
12 Big wet kisses.
22 Squeezes on the bum.
30 Roses
36 Calls
40 Spontaneous "Alone Time's"
42 Opening or greeting
42 Slow dances
40 Remote controls
36 "Good Mornings"
30 Complements
22 Walks
12 Notes
When you tally up the numbers, you could choose to think some of those tasks, and the required frequency are overwhelming or unrealistic. Remember the old saying, whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you are right. For Christians, this is the time of year we celebrate the birth of our Savior who sacrifices his life for all of the world. Isn't your marriage worth a little bit of extra effort this Christmas season?
When you do this exercise, I promise your entire month will change and your relationship will end the year and start the new one on a great note.
Here are a few suggestions, please feel free to make up your own.
On the first day of Christmas my True Love gave to me...
1. Big Wet Kiss (In front of kids if applicable)
2. Light taps (or squeezes) on the bum.
3. Blooming roses
4. "Just because" calls in the middle of the day.
5. Have spontaneous "alone time"
6. Open her car door. Greet him at the door.
7. Slow dancing in the kitchen.
8. Let her hold the remote. Let him flip through the channels.
9. Good morning greeting with a kiss.
10. Sincere complement.
11. Take a walk together.
12. Gratitude notes.
If you were to follow the song, including the repeats, by the end of twelve days you would have:
12 Big wet kisses.
22 Squeezes on the bum.
30 Roses
36 Calls
40 Spontaneous "Alone Time's"
42 Opening or greeting
42 Slow dances
40 Remote controls
36 "Good Mornings"
30 Complements
22 Walks
12 Notes
When you tally up the numbers, you could choose to think some of those tasks, and the required frequency are overwhelming or unrealistic. Remember the old saying, whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you are right. For Christians, this is the time of year we celebrate the birth of our Savior who sacrifices his life for all of the world. Isn't your marriage worth a little bit of extra effort this Christmas season?
When you do this exercise, I promise your entire month will change and your relationship will end the year and start the new one on a great note.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Evaluating Your Marriage
This is a questionnaire which may be used to assess the strength and maturity of your marriage. It is suggested that each spouse complete it separately, then compare notes. Rate your marriage on a scale from 1 (lowest) to 5 (highest) in each of the different categories. This will highlight areas for growth. It also highlights differences in perception about your combined strengths and weaknesses.
Affection
Companionship/Friendship 1 2 3 4 5
Do you enjoy being together? Talking? Is your spouse your best friend?
Intimacy/Sex 1 2 3 4 5
Does your spouse express his/her affection often? Display affection in public? Does your spouse touch you enough? Too much? The way you like it? Do you go to bed together? Get up together? Kiss each other often? When you greet one another? How is you sex life? Do you consider your spouses' needs/desires above your own? Does either feel denied sexually? Is your lovemaking frequent and varied? Do you both regularly achieve fulfillment? Are either of you ashamed of the other seeing your body? Do you ever make cutting remarks about the others body?
Captivation 1 2 3 4 5
Are all of your amorous/sexual thoughts and energies focused on your spouse alone? Are they growing stronger? Does your spouse know how much you love him/her? Do you think often about you spouse? Do you love to look at and watch your spouse?
Communication
Understanding/Empathy 1 2 3 4 5
Do you know all about each other? Do you want to know your spouse inside out? Do you want to be known in the same way? Absolutely honest? Nothing hidden? Are you open with thoughts, feelings, facts, sins, dreams? Are you both growing more aware of and sensitive to the other's feelings, concerns? How often do you talk? Deeply?
Encouragement/Esteem-Building 1 2 3 4 5
What does your spouse believe about you? That you are a loser or that you are amazing and wonderful in every way? How frequently do you compliment each other? How often do you say "I love you" or express appreciation for one another? Do you hurt each other with cutting or careless remarks? Sarcasm? Skepticism? Negativity? Indifference? Does your spouse make you feel special? Competent? Beautiful? How frequently?
Conflict Resolution 1 2 3 4 5
Do you resolve conflict easily? Quickly? Is there lingering bitterness? DO you lack of forgiveness? Do you have a record of wrongs? Do you respect each others opinions? Feelings? Do you avoid conflict or resolve it? Do you walk out on conflict? Do you find it easier to just give up? Do you find mutually beneficial solutions? are you willing to sacrifice? Compromise? Is harmony more important to you than winning?
Cooperation
Like-minded/God-centered 1 2 3 4 5
Do you believe the same spiritual matters? If you are Christian are you both disciples of Christ? If you are not, do you study your religion together? Is your life focused on your beliefs? Both of you? Do you love what God loves? Hate what God hates? Are you confident your spouse shares your same values? Are you working toward the same goals? As a team? Together?
Roles 1 2 3 4 5
Does each of you know and accept your God-given roles in marriage? Does the husband lead? Does the wife help? Does he abuse his role by dominating or do you both have equal respect for one another? Do you help the other fill the role God has given them?
Finances 1 2 3 4 5
Does your spouse respect the way you handle finances? Is the division of financial responsibilities working well? Should it be changed? Do you both share the same financial goals?
Children 1 2 3 4 5
Do you agree on whether, when, and how to start (or increase) your family? Are you unified in you efforts to raise, discipline, and teach your children?
Affection
Companionship/Friendship 1 2 3 4 5
Do you enjoy being together? Talking? Is your spouse your best friend?
Intimacy/Sex 1 2 3 4 5
Does your spouse express his/her affection often? Display affection in public? Does your spouse touch you enough? Too much? The way you like it? Do you go to bed together? Get up together? Kiss each other often? When you greet one another? How is you sex life? Do you consider your spouses' needs/desires above your own? Does either feel denied sexually? Is your lovemaking frequent and varied? Do you both regularly achieve fulfillment? Are either of you ashamed of the other seeing your body? Do you ever make cutting remarks about the others body?
Captivation 1 2 3 4 5
Are all of your amorous/sexual thoughts and energies focused on your spouse alone? Are they growing stronger? Does your spouse know how much you love him/her? Do you think often about you spouse? Do you love to look at and watch your spouse?
Communication
Understanding/Empathy 1 2 3 4 5
Do you know all about each other? Do you want to know your spouse inside out? Do you want to be known in the same way? Absolutely honest? Nothing hidden? Are you open with thoughts, feelings, facts, sins, dreams? Are you both growing more aware of and sensitive to the other's feelings, concerns? How often do you talk? Deeply?
Encouragement/Esteem-Building 1 2 3 4 5
What does your spouse believe about you? That you are a loser or that you are amazing and wonderful in every way? How frequently do you compliment each other? How often do you say "I love you" or express appreciation for one another? Do you hurt each other with cutting or careless remarks? Sarcasm? Skepticism? Negativity? Indifference? Does your spouse make you feel special? Competent? Beautiful? How frequently?
Conflict Resolution 1 2 3 4 5
Do you resolve conflict easily? Quickly? Is there lingering bitterness? DO you lack of forgiveness? Do you have a record of wrongs? Do you respect each others opinions? Feelings? Do you avoid conflict or resolve it? Do you walk out on conflict? Do you find it easier to just give up? Do you find mutually beneficial solutions? are you willing to sacrifice? Compromise? Is harmony more important to you than winning?
Cooperation
Like-minded/God-centered 1 2 3 4 5
Do you believe the same spiritual matters? If you are Christian are you both disciples of Christ? If you are not, do you study your religion together? Is your life focused on your beliefs? Both of you? Do you love what God loves? Hate what God hates? Are you confident your spouse shares your same values? Are you working toward the same goals? As a team? Together?
Roles 1 2 3 4 5
Does each of you know and accept your God-given roles in marriage? Does the husband lead? Does the wife help? Does he abuse his role by dominating or do you both have equal respect for one another? Do you help the other fill the role God has given them?
Finances 1 2 3 4 5
Does your spouse respect the way you handle finances? Is the division of financial responsibilities working well? Should it be changed? Do you both share the same financial goals?
Children 1 2 3 4 5
Do you agree on whether, when, and how to start (or increase) your family? Are you unified in you efforts to raise, discipline, and teach your children?
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