Asking for a performance evaluation

Have you ever known anyone who has gone through a "Surprise Divorce"? Where the one spouse was just going on with life, not thinking anything was the matter, then "out of the blue" the other spouse wants them out or worse, a divorce? This is what I call a "surprise divorce".

A surprise divorce can be devastating; and not just for the obvious reasons. However being blindsided by a surprise divorce can often be avoided by one simple practice, repeated throughout your relationship. Checking in with each other through a Performance Evaluation.

During this evaluation time in your relationship your goal is to find out how you are doing as a spouse. We all THINK we are doing well at this or that. We all want to believe we are the best father, husband, wife or mother, but there is no better way to find out that to actually ask your spouse. Openly and honestly, here's the hard part, WITHOUT taking their answer as a judgment or insult! That's what make this so hard for some.

In business, there will be times where you will have a performance evaluation. You either receive them as an employee or you give one as an employer. In that evaluation you will be given, or if you are the boss you give, constructive criticism. That evaluation is for your own good. So you can know what you are doing well and what you need to focus on to improve your performance. When you listen, take the advice and adjust your performance accordingly, everybody wins.

It's the same in your relationship, you should seek that constructive criticism Don't be afraid to sit with your spouse and ask, "So how am I doing as a Husband/ wife?" "Is there something I can improve on?" "What can I do better?" Then be ready to shut your mouth and take notes. That doesn't mean you can not get clarity on the "evaluation" it just means it's not time to pick a fight. You asked, and hopefully you asked because you really want to know. If you fight back or defend yourself in any way, you will not gain the trust of your spouse in this exercise and the evaluation will be for not. They have to be able to trust that you really want to know and that they can speak freely.

It can be scary and maybe a little uncomfortable. However, not as uncomfortable as the inside of a divorce courtroom.

Next time we will discuss how to act on the information and how not to act on the information you now have.