Great letter from a Great couple

In preparing my book, I want to make sure there are some great examples and experiences from real people. I have asked a few people to write their experience in marriage and somehow relate it to my business idea. This is part of a letter sent to me from a wonderful woman whom I have known for over 25 years. I have watched Donna and her husband over the years and always been impressed with their relationship. This is only a portion of the letter she sent to me and i am sure you will all find it very valuable.

Dino,
Business mergers are built through a series of negotiations. Marriage is built along the same lines. Marriage commitment has compromise at the very heart of it.

Unless you live in a vacuum, you have, at one time or another heard this statement. "Divide...and concur!" Well, it's true in every marriage. If you are not consistently alert and in tune with your spouse, some of the simplest things will split you right down the middle. Allowing what appears to be just a simple 'difference of opinion' in your marriage can easily add up day after day and eventually eat away at the whole foundation of commitment to each other. Then before you know it, your 'partnership' will crumble at the first wave of hardship.

For instance, while visiting a video store to rent movies back int eh VHS days, Dave and i happened to overhear one husband snapping at his wife because she had just turned to browse down the "Romance and Drama" section of the store. His words were burned into my mind forever when he shot here a disgusted look and stated, "We are NOT renting any of that Romance crap tonight!" The wife turned a bright red from embarrassment and it made everyone in the store feel very uncomfortable. Needless to say, that couple was, at that moment, a divided unit. And the sad thing was that they were divided over something as simple as picking out a movie.

Dave and I came away from that store thinking a lot about that couple. We wondered if perhaps we were doing the same kind of thing in our daily lives. I like to read and Dave likes to watch movies. Were our individual preferances for simple things in life helping us bond together or separating us from each other?

From that video store moment on, Dave and I decided, as a couple, to share our movie choices. If he got a 'shoot 'em up' movie, then I would get a Romance or Drama movie, and we made sure to watch both of them together. It was a great compromise and I loved my Dave all the more for showing me that what I liked mattered to him even if it wasn't something he was drawn to.

Learning to compromise will get many couples through all kinds of things. Especially those wild teenage years when your children work on their highly skilled, divide and concur routines. Just remember, commitment has real compromise at the heart of it. Work on those two things and your marriage merger will last forever.
Donna

Loving the "Gap" in your marriage.

Too often married couples live in the future expectation as opposed to living in the moment.

Sometimes in marriage we tend to find ourselves dwelling on a desired outcome as opposed to living in the present.

It's the "when, then" factor of our lives.

"When "this" happens, "then" I will feel or have that?
"When I loose weight, then I can be more sexually available for my spouse."
"When he/she listens to my needs, then I will stop yelling."
"When the kids are teenagers, then I can focus on our relationship again."

We all have our "when, then" mantra's in our life. We cling onto them. We "get by" with them. We will even fool ourselves into believing these are some sort of goals or things to work towards.

In fact the only thing these statements are doing is keeping us from living in the moment.
That area between what actually is and what you are hoping to get to is what I call the "Gap".

It is actually that "gap" between what is and what is wanted where we actually are is where you will find your relationship. Where you can find the love, passion and understanding you so desire. Your relationship is the "Gap" between the two. It's not the "then" part of your world, it's the now!

The thing we all have to understand is we have virtual no control over the outcome we end up with. We have no idea what the "then" or "there" will actually be. We have a hope of what it will be, but we don't know.

That old saying comes up again, "Man plans, God laughs."

For a very blunt example; take one of your "when, then" scenarios for your own spouse.
"When he/she does this, then I/we will have that."
What happens, heaven forbid, your spouse dies on the way home form work today? Your "then" will certainly never come to fulfillment. Your outcome has completely changed and worst of all you now realize you missed out on the now part of your life.

Now, I am not saying you should not have goals or a desired outcome. However, too often we tend to not live our lives and enjoy the now part of our lives in exchange for the "someday" effect.

I got news for you, Someday NEVER comes. There is no Someday on any calendar in the world!

You have to learn to live and love in the Gap between what is actually so in your life and where you want to eventually be in your life. Love the person in front of you, that you chose to spend the rest of your life with, NOW!

"Try" is a funny word.

I have a bit of a hang up when it comes to the word "try".

In my events I recount the story of the day my dad left. I was 8 years old and I still remember seeing him pull out of the driveway in his Honda packed with his stuff. Leaving our family for good. As I stood in my driveway my neighborhood friend Michelle cam riding up on her bike. She could obviously see I was upset and asked why. When I told her about my dad, she tried to console me by saying, "Oh my dad has left plenty of times but he always came back. I'm sure yours will too." However I knew, deep down, he would not.
I remember being frustrated at the time because my parents were quitting when they had taught me not to be a quitter.

When I was in T-ball and I struck out (Yep, back in those day's you could actually strike out in T-ball, and I did...more than once) they would tell me not to give up.

In soccer, even though I was the smallest one on the team and couldn't run as fast as the other kids, they would always tell me to keep trying.

When it came to chores around the house, they would tell me not to do just what was asked of me, but to go the extra mile.

Yet, there I stood, on my driveway watching my parents, give up, stop trying and forgetting the extra mile.

I know I am not the only child that has gone through a divorce and felt this way. I would also bet that most parents in this situation would respond to this in almost the same manner. Using the infamous words, "Well, we TRIED."

Now here is where it gets dicey for some people and a few of you might not like to hear this. The phrase "I'll try", in almost anything that matters, is basically saying, "I plan on failing, I just don't want to admit it right now."

Trying to make a cake, build a car or figure out a complicated math problem might be something you just don't know how to do and it's admirable you even want to attempt it. To often, however, people use the word "try" as a scape goat or an excuse as to why they quit or gave up early.

If you say, "I'm going to try and be a good husband" are you really dedicated to being one?
If you go into a marriage saying, "I'm going to try and make it work" are you committed to it's success?

You either do it or you don't. You are either committed or your not.

The reason so many people have a negative reaction to this concept is they don't like the idea of admitting failure. It pains us to say we actually failed at something. Why?

"It is on our failures that we base a new and different and better success."-Havelock Ellis

It's actually okay to admit defeat. You will survive an admittance of failure. However we, as a "people pleasing" people, feel it best to soften the blow with the wimpish reply, "Well, I tried."

Remember Mr. Miyagi? The momet he took Damiel San asside and told him in karate there is no "try". You either do or don't do. On right side of the road is do. On the left side of the road, don't do. In middle of road, "squash like grape".

In your marriage, make a decision to not get "squash like grape". Make the decision to allow each other to fail, for the purpose of learning, and commit to being a successful relationship. When you open yourself, your relationship and those around you up to a space of it being okay to fail as long as there is a commitment to learn from that failure, you open yourself up to a world of real love, peace and understanding.

Does it take being humble? Yep. Will you have to sacrifice some of your feelings of immediate gratification? Probably. Is it always fun? Nope. Will you need to never give up and go the extra mile? Absolutely.

And the reward for deciding not to "Try" and commit to success, is an amazing relationship with those you love most and an awesome example for your children and grandchildren.

Experts want you to be more Proactive as opposed to Reactive!

In a new post from the couples section of Yahoo, 10 "Relationship Experts" give advice on how to keep your relationship strong. (I'm still wondering why no one called me!) Click here to read the entire article.
In it they mention things like, Take Turns Talking, Touch a Lot, Being Positive and Being a Good Date.
What I like about this article is it is not a "repair" article. It's a "prepare" article.
Too many people are reactive after a situation arises as opposed to being proactive in their lives. Especially when it comes to their relationships.

I have a friend who sells home security alarms. The system is free, cost nothing to install. The client is only responsible for a small mentoring fee once a month. However that fee will protect them from fire, break-in or a medical emergency. He sells the alarms door to door and it's tough. Not because the product isn't awesome, because most people don't feel the need for this protection until after the break in. Then they wish they had that protection. They wish they had been proactive now that they are being forced to be reactive.

It's the same in relationships. You can choose to read the books, practice the skills and even get the counceling you need now, while everything seems fine in your relationship. Therefore being proactive against any possible future issue. Or you can do nothing to cultivate and improve your relationship now, hoping issues or challenges never arise. (BTW- The latter is a fantasy)

Look at your relationship and find ways you can be more proactive in your relationship as opposed to reactive. It will definately help in the long run.

A whole week, no posts

Sorry for the lack of postings. I have been sick all week and a little uninspired.
I will be back on the wagon again next week.
Hope you are all doing great.

Desperation vs. Transformation

Last time I spoke of asking your spouse how you are doing as a husband or a wife and how to hear that feedback.
Now we need to clarify how to make those adjustments.
Often, if the adjustments are big in the nature of your relationship you might tend to do that action out of desperation to show him or her you are "Trying" or "Changing". Unfortunately this type of change is usually only temporary because you are not transforming the actual behavior, your only doing it for show.

-If the complaint from your spouse is the lack of romance; taking then out to a nice restaurant and a movie once and expecting that to be sufficient for the next year, is a desperation move, not a transformation in your behavior.

-If the complaint is you don't help around the house as much as they would like; putting your dishes in the sink or even going so far as washing the actual dishes three times that week, then never again, is not a transformation, it's desperation.

Anything you are doing just so you can pull it out of your, "remember that time" bank is not a transformation, it's desperation.

When a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly, everything about it changes. It's physical body actually breaks down into a goo or slime then rebuilds itself into the form of a butterfly.

Like the caterpillar you need to be willing to transform yourself into a new being. This is very important, you also need to be willing to take the time to transform as well. The caterpillar does not become a butterfly over night. It takes time.

Those who are just doing the action out of desperation, ask themselves or their spouse the limiting question, "How much time it will take for "X" to happen."

Those who really want a transformation in the relationship won't even realize when the process is over...if it ever is.

Asking for a performance evaluation

Have you ever known anyone who has gone through a "Surprise Divorce"? Where the one spouse was just going on with life, not thinking anything was the matter, then "out of the blue" the other spouse wants them out or worse, a divorce? This is what I call a "surprise divorce".

A surprise divorce can be devastating; and not just for the obvious reasons. However being blindsided by a surprise divorce can often be avoided by one simple practice, repeated throughout your relationship. Checking in with each other through a Performance Evaluation.

During this evaluation time in your relationship your goal is to find out how you are doing as a spouse. We all THINK we are doing well at this or that. We all want to believe we are the best father, husband, wife or mother, but there is no better way to find out that to actually ask your spouse. Openly and honestly, here's the hard part, WITHOUT taking their answer as a judgment or insult! That's what make this so hard for some.

In business, there will be times where you will have a performance evaluation. You either receive them as an employee or you give one as an employer. In that evaluation you will be given, or if you are the boss you give, constructive criticism. That evaluation is for your own good. So you can know what you are doing well and what you need to focus on to improve your performance. When you listen, take the advice and adjust your performance accordingly, everybody wins.

It's the same in your relationship, you should seek that constructive criticism Don't be afraid to sit with your spouse and ask, "So how am I doing as a Husband/ wife?" "Is there something I can improve on?" "What can I do better?" Then be ready to shut your mouth and take notes. That doesn't mean you can not get clarity on the "evaluation" it just means it's not time to pick a fight. You asked, and hopefully you asked because you really want to know. If you fight back or defend yourself in any way, you will not gain the trust of your spouse in this exercise and the evaluation will be for not. They have to be able to trust that you really want to know and that they can speak freely.

It can be scary and maybe a little uncomfortable. However, not as uncomfortable as the inside of a divorce courtroom.

Next time we will discuss how to act on the information and how not to act on the information you now have.