Why saying "I don't know" can be detrimental to your relationship.

Thankful Day 18

I'm thankful for my wife's enthusiasm for decorating the house and giving it a great Christmas look.

Thankful Day 17

I'm thankful for living in the best country in the world! For a Thanksgiving full of good food, fun games with the kids and lazy boob tube watching.

Thankful Day 16

I'm thankful for kids old enough to be left at home just long enough for Shannon and I to go on a date.

Thankful Day 15

I'm thankful for computers and other technology that makes my life so much easier...even when it doesn't.

Thankful Day 14

I'm thankful for people living in their passion! Inspiring me, teaching me and moving me forward in mine! Thanks Kirk Duncan, Dr. Paul, Shantel McBride, Marilyn Sorensen, Angelia Johnson, Ann Web, LuAnn Staheli, The Brown's, and others who have increased my life value over the past 30 days! I look forward to the journey ahead!

Thankful Day 13

I'm grateful for songs of praise!

The Dating Battery

Dating and spending time with your spouse are perhaps the most important things you can do to strengthen your relationship. When I say spend time with each other, I don’t mean spending it in front of the television not talking. Take walks together, take dance lessons together, ride bikes together, sit and talk together, etc. Be creative.

Also, keep up the same good behavior you used when you first began the dating process with your spouse. Husbands, open the car door for her. Wives get made up for him. The point of dating is to remind each other on a consistent basis why you chose each other, as well as to grow together.
Dating will take you out of your normal routine. It allows the two of you to recharge your batteries that are creating the love you have with each other.

Create a picture in your mind of a large battery sitting in the middle of your chest right below your sternum. This battery is charged by a connection to both your mind and your heart. It’s function is to help run the lungs for breathing, the right side of your brain for creativity and the left for devotion. It runs your stomach for digestion and your reproductive organs for sexual desire. The great thing about this battery is it is a rechargeable battery. Not only is it rechargeable, it also gets stronger and helps all those organs work better the more you charge it. All you have to do is give it the right juice. The important thing you have to understand about this battery is it’s not a nuclear battery. It can NOT go for ever without a charge. The longer it goes without a charge; it will actually start to work the opposite way and loose its ability to hold a charge. Given a long enough period without a charge, the battery will eventually stop and therefore will no longer be able to send the proper charge to the vital organs. You’re feeling of love, devotion, creation, and sexual desire will severely decrease and has the chance of stopping all together. Your breathing and digestive system will stop running properly as well. Will you die without this battery? Possibly not. Will your love for each other die? Most likely, yes!
So how do you get that battery charged?
Keep dating!

In her book, Mating in Captivity, couples and family therapist Esther Perel talks about situation when she encouraged a client to imagine her spouse as if she had just met him, to put him into that “mysterious” category again. Can dating and romance be difficult in the midst of all that life is throwing your way? You bet. But the more you continue to date your spouse, the more you will learn and grow together.

Remember when you first started seriously dating each other? When things started to “turn on” for the both of you? Your breath became shorter or faster when you were around them. Your devotion to the time you’re willing to spend with only them became stronger. Things seemed to have more color or life in them and you felt more creative. You were definitely more sexually attracted to them. Even your health seamed better. That’s because your battery was being fully charged on a regular and consistent basis.

There are different types of dates you can do as well. Mix it up a little with couples dates and group dates. Make sure, though, that the one-on-one dates outnumber the others. The time you spend alone with each other gives you the opportunity to continue getting to know each other, to find out what’s going on in each other’s head for that week. It gives you both a chance to get back to the basics.

Dating vs. a Night Out
Make sure you treat each date as such rather than as a mere night out.
What’s the difference, you ask? A night out is just a way to get out of the house or any other everyday situation. It focuses on yourself and the desire to escape for a moment, take a breather from your daily life. The focus is typically inward on these occasions. Everyone needs a night out from time to time—especially mothers of small children—and it can be an integral part of maintaining sanity.
A date, on the other hand, focuses on the other person. It’s about getting to know them, to find out what makes them tick, their likes and dislikes, future goals, and accomplishments. A date is also a way to impress the other person and show yourself in the best light possible.
The mistake for married couples is to believe a night out and a date are one and the same. THEY ARE NOT! It doesn’t matter if you have been married for two days or 50 years. Do not mistake the one for the other. Keep dating each other as often as possible. Be open to the possibility that both of you need to date each other as I described above, where you continually learn about each other’s needs, accomplishments, daily activities, and future goals.
Decide, together, how often each month you are willing to set aside time for nights out, both together and apart. Husbands, encourage your wife to get out more, to have her own night out. That doesn’t mean it can’t be with their husband, but it doesn’t have to be with him either. Wives, do him the same favor.
Once that is settled, decide how much time you are going to set aside for dating—yes, this one must be done with your spouse. Is it a set time every week or does it change on a weekly basis? What are you going to do, where are you going to go, and what will you focus on? Make it a plan. Can you just wing the details sometimes? Yes. But the most important thing is to make sure you treat it as a date and that you focus on continuing to get to know each other. Thus recharging that battery.

Thankful Day 12

I'm thankful for inspiration...even when it wakes me up at 4:30 in the morning!

Thankful Day 11

I'm thankful for morning car rides with Shannon.

Thankful Day 10

I am thankful for my body and the fact that it allows me to run, jump, dance, hug, hold hands, and do just about whatever I ask of it...even if it complains with aches and pains sometimes.

The Feeling of "Love"

The feeling of Love can actually overpower your intuition or spirit telling you what you should do in a situation. Many relationships are started out because of a feeling, even though your intuition tells you its not a good idea. It can be like trying to savor the delicate flavor of a strawberry while eating a pickle. Both flavors are present but one completely overpowers the other.

When we fall in love we are falling into a stream of naturally occurring amphetamines running through the emotional centers of our very own brains. That is why we feel exhilarated, manic, powerful, creative, suddenly grown up if we are young and suddenly rejuvenated if we are older. The ecstasy of love is located in our nerves; we get high; we speed. Eventually, our nerves being what they are, their endings become amphetamine immune or exhausted, and the delirium of our free fall abates. We come down to earth.

-Elisabeth Young-Bruehl, “Where Do We Fall When We Fall in Love?” Journal for the Psychoanalysis of Culture and Society 8 (Fall 2003): 279 (emphasis added).

Thankful Day 9

I am thankful for quiet moments in spiritual places.

Thankful day 8

I'm thankful for inspiration when I most need it and when I don't expect it!

Thankful day 7

Thankful for quiet Sunday mornings! No crazieness from the world stuff. Just me, the family, and the spirit!

Thankful day 6

I'm thankful for the ability to make others laugh and to laugh in return.

Thankful day 5

I'm thankful my parents decided to get frisky one night 37 years and 9 months ago today and by doing so I was able to come to this world!

Thankful day 4

I'm thankful for children who get up on time, get dressed, get ready for school and leave the house with an optimistic outlook on the day!

Thankful day 3

Today I am thankful for like minded people to network with. Amazing how God puts specific people in our path to help give us exactly what we need!

Thought I would share this article!

Stay Married if you want to have kids!

Thankful day 2

I am thankful for people willing to share their talents and skills. It helps me to remember my responsibility in doing so as well! As I let my own light shine, I unconsciously give other people permission to do the same!

Thankful month

As suggested by my wife, I am going to do a daily post all month long about something I am thankful for.
Today I am thankful for a wife who always has good suggestions and is always looking for ways to help me in my personal and business life!

Perfect in my imperfection, and still working on it!

If you have spent any time reading my blog or my newsletter, it will be no surprise to you when I say I have a bit of a challenge when it comes to spelling and grammar. If you are someone who politely says to yourself, "Why does Dino use two "n's" in finnish?" or "I can't believe he just spelled 'weather' instead of 'whether'" or "Does he not know there is a thing called 'Spell Check?" You, my friends, are not alone! It drives Shannon crazy sometimes. It's gotten to the point I’m not supposed to send out a post or newsletter without her getting a chance to proof it first. The challenge comes when she is not around and I don't want to spend the entire day waiting to get her approval.

Most of you have been very nice just to put up with it to this point. Some have not and made sure they pointed out the "unprofessionalism" it shows. One person wrote me just to tell me I sounded ignorant and was going to opt-out of my news letter. Sure that stung a bit, but I quickly "built a bridge and got over it"! (see previous blog entry).

For years I blamed it on my family genes, where there is definitely a lot of evidence to back me up. Both my parents, my older brother and younger sister are terrible spellers. This was definitely a concern as I started to have my own kids. I did not want them to get that gene! I did have hope in the fact that Shannon was a great speller. However, I must admit, I wasn't the most disciplined student in school.

It wasn't until this last summer that my eyes were opened up to what the true cause might be. My son, Hayden, was having a few struggles in school with spelling, reading and math. Because Shannon home schooled the kids for the last two years, she was able to get a firsthand look at the challenge. She started to suspect he might have a learning challenge. After some researching, and eventually testing, we discovered that my son has dyslexia.

During her research on the subject, Shannon would tell me about some of the questions and warning signs. I was shocked at how many of the symptoms I could easily relate to. I have joked for all my life that I had dyslexia, usually to cover up an embarrassing public display of misspelling. But it was just a joke, or so I thought. The more we learned about it, the more we realized I had some level of it as well. I had just learned, as many undiagnosed dyslexics do, to cope with it and find ways around it. One of the most important focuses we had with Hayden was not to make him feel less than he is. He knows he has dyslexia and what it is. More importantly, he knows what it is not. Most dyslexics are highly gifted in other areas, especially oral skills, creativity and relationships. He definitely excels in these areas, and we are focusing on developing his strengths as well as working on his weaknesses. He knows it is something he can overcome. With the right tools, he can become a great speller, reader and writer; and that this imperfection does not make him any less perfect. This was a lesson for me as well.

As I write and create, I do my very best to give from my heart. My hope is the message I am trying to share comes through to you despite my spelling and grammar errors. Consider my misspelling and incorrect use of grammar a object lesson for life: If you spend your time looking for all the negative, wrong or incorrect things in life, there is little doubt you will have a problem finding them. Unfortunately for you, and those in your life, you also miss out on all the wonderful messages along the way.

My challenge to you this week is to find perfection in the imperfection of your life.

“May I suggest that our ability and our credibility to exemplify reverence for God is strengthened as we show respect for each other. In today’s society, the standards of decorum, dignity, and courtesy are assailed on every side and in every form of media. As parents and leaders, our examples of respect for each other are critical for our youth and children because they are watching not only the media—they are watching us! Are we the examples we need to be?” Margaret S. Lifferth

What is your emotional currency?

In business currency is used to measure it's success. In the US we use the dollar, Japan the Yen, Europe the Euro and so forth. Every business, even non-profit's, need money to operate successfully. When companies decide to do business with each other internationally, it is vital they know the exchange rate for their primary currency as well as the rate of the currency they will be doing business with. Lately the dollar's value has been dropping internationally so it typically takes a lot more of them to buy something over seas than it did before. That is not to say there is no value in it from other countries, it just might not be the currency other business consider the most valuable to them.

In your marriage, your spouse and you both have one currency you value above another. That currency is how we express or show love to one another. This currency is how you communicate your love to them and they to you. The challenge arises in many marriages when either one THINKS or ASSUMES they know the others currency without actually taking the time to find out, or better yet ask, what their spouses real currency is. Some highly value physical touch over material gifts while others place the most value on together time.
The confusion comes in the fact that all currency has some value to it, however not all currency has the most value according to each person. Service projects are probably always appreciated by her but if her most valued currency is encouragement or praise you will never get the response you want, and she will never feel you are as loving as you could be in her mind.
This comes in to evidence when you hear someone say things like, "I do everything on he list of honey-do's! I take out the trash, she never has to clean the car or mow the lawn, and yet it is still never enough!" However, even though those things are nice, if all she really wants is for you to tell her how beautiful she is, how proud you are of her and how amazing a mother she is, you will be coming up short in her emotional currency "bank". It's as if you are giving her $1000 US and her currency is YEN. She appreciates the money and knows it has value, it just isn't the currency she would prefer to do business in.
All of us have a currency that we value over all others. Most of the time ours is not the same as our spouses. Our "exchange rates" are not equal.
The good news is there are only currencies you have to learn. As soon as you know what your spouses is, you can focus on giving that to them and you will see a major difference in how they accept your tokens of affection.
Here they are:
Acts of kindness (charity or service): Doing something for them, even when you don't want to. This is my wife's. She feels the most love when I hang a picture, clean out a closet, paint a room, run errands or just about anything on my eternal "honey-do" list.
Physical touch: Holding hands, a hug, sitting next to each other, a back rub, a tap on the bum, sexual foreplay and sexual intercourse.
Affirming words (encouragement, praise): Telling them how wonderful they are, celebrating a "win" at work, encouraging them to peruse a hobbies or education, telling them how proud you are of them, telling them how good they look and make you feel, tell her what a great mother/wife she is, tell him how much you appreciate his hard work.
Material gifts: Cards, flowers, presents, love letters, making dinner for him/her, gifts both handmade and store bought.
Time: Talking with each other (Television off, or at least on pause), running errends together, going on dates, going for walks together, vacations, playing games with the kids.

As you can see all of these currencies have a value to them. However, we all hold one value over the other. If you figure out what your spouses' is and focus on giving them their currency you will never feel short changed!

Back from the abyss....and better for it!

I hope this summer was good for all of you. I know I learned a lot about myself, my desires, and my genius in life.

Its been a while since you've heard from me (I choose to believe you actually noticed), so I wanted to start out this fall season by telling you how much I have missed all of you and your support for The Business of Marriage.
There is an old saying, "Man plans, God laughs". I know I'm not the only one out there who understands that statement, and my prayers go out to anyone in need of them at this time. I know I have needed and felt them for me these last few months.

WHERE HAVE I BEEN?

As many of you know, The Business of Marriage is a passion of mine and has been for a few years. I was able to start and move forward with the idea largely due to the financial position I was in in life. Although I do believe you don't have to have money in order to live your passion, it sure makes things a lot easier. At the end of last year we experienced, as many people did, an economic downturn in our lives. We had investments that tanked or stopped paying out, and companies I had done contract work for suddenly stopped paying me for jobs I had already done. Our savings eventually ran out so I decided to pause the promotion of The Biz of Marriage and focus on providing for my family financially.

Luckily, I have a neighbor who invited me to go to work for him. So I dropped everything and took my family to CA for the summer in order to work for APX Alarm Company. This would give me the ability to make a decent amount of money in a relatively short period of time. Although it was humbling going back to the basics of selling again, I was determined to use all my training and knowledge to be the best I could be. I also knew this experience would be a great learning tool for later on. Exactly when that would come in handy, and what it would look like, I did not know. I just chose to believe it would.

In the end I accomplished what I had set out to do. I was the top first year salesman in my office, as well as top 10 in my region. I tell you this not to brag, but to hopefully encourage you to never give up, and to excel at whatever you set out to do. There is always a way to accomplish what you want/need.


MY MISSION NEEDS YOUR HELP

As I have stated since beginning this journey, my mission is to improve the quality of marriages and lower the divorce rate in this country, and then in the world. There is no better time, or more need for this information than right now.

Now that I am back in town and moving forward, a few ideas have opened up to me. In the pursuit of these ideas, I am going to ask for your help.

One of my plans is to bring this information to our military. Married soldiers who are returning from Iraq, Afghanistan or any long- term deployment, need to have a set of tools to acclimate themselves back into their lives and especially their relationships. I believe The Business of Marriage to be a great tool that can dramatically improve their lives. If any of you know someone in the military that can refer me to the person/department I need to contact, I would really appreciate your help.

My second area of need is connecting with someone who has a background in radio producing or developing. If you are that person, or know of anyone who is, I would appreciate an email. I have an exciting idea that will make a positive contribution to radio once my vision is realized.

Third, The Business of Marriage was developed not only for individuals wanting to improve their relationships, but for businesses as well. Companies who are excited to increase their bottom line through increased productivity and higher retention levels have succeeded when they took an interest in their employees beyond the workplace. Providing support and training for familial relationships will improve employee attitudes and performance, and will decrease personal days taken due to marital challenges or divorce proceedings. Any company looking to thrive in this tough economic climate will be looking for alternative, cost-effective ways to stay ahead of the competition, and The Business of Marriage should be one of their tools.
Shortly I will be setting up luncheons for business owners, human resources managers, and principle decision makers to familiarize them with my curriculum and invite them to enroll their business in my training. If you know of anyone who might have an interest in these free luncheons, please have them contact me for information.

Lastly, in preparation for future events, I am looking for groups or clubs that would like me to come and speak to them about the Business of Marriage concepts. I am writing new material and changing a few things around, so I need an audience willing to provide feedback. If you have a group or would like to put one together I would love to talk to you about the possibilities.

My hope is this news letter hits a wide range of people with a great deal of skill, knowledge and networks so I'm just putting my intentions out there in hopes that someone, or many of you, will be able to help.

FINALLY

This summer has been a time for renewal and refocusing in my life, as I know it has been for many of you.
The Business of Marriage was created to give hope and possibility to everyone who hears it. I hope it does that for all of you.

Please allow me to thank all of you for your continued support.

Dino

Letting the flame burn out...

Have you ever met a couple like this? Have you ever been this way in your own marriage?

Why does the media constantly portray marriage as a death sentence, and an end to fun and happiness? Even more importantly, why do we as a society buy into it?

Case in point, the "romantic comedy" released earlier this year titled, "He's Just Not That Into You". For those of you who may not have seen it, it explores the interconnecting lives of a dozen young people in their quest for love and fulfilling relationships.

While most of the couples found a light-hearted, amiable conclusion to their story lines, the one married couple took a dramatic turn for the worse. Of

Hello again!

So, it's been awhile since that last blog entry. A lot has happened in the past few months, and we've neglected our baby, The Biz of Marriage.

Dino has been super busy on a few projects, and so I, the other half of this brainchild, must pick up the slack and start contributing to the blog. I hope you will continue checking in and contributing.

I have big shoes to fill. Please be gentle on me :)

So much to catch up on, so much going on in the news. In our home, there's been a lot of discussions with the kids about the show Jon & Kate Plus 8. My kids loved that show, and watched it frequently. For me, watching that show was like witnessing a tragic head-on collision about to happen, while having no power to intercede. Truly a sad story. I have more thoughts on it, but need time to get them out properly.

For now, I wanted to share this little thought of the day.

Being a Team by Dr. Gary Smalley
http://www.smalleyonline.com/articles/truth/beingateam.html

Do you work hard at making sure that your most valuable relationships succeed?

Picture yourself in a rowboat, gliding down the river with your friend or coworker or spouse. Suddenly an argument erupts. You see a shotgun resting in the bottom of the boat, and to make your point, you seize the gun and start blowing holes in the bottom of your little vessel.

You might get your point across—but what happens to the boat? It sinks. And who's in the boat? Your partner … and you. What a fine time you'll have, celebrating your "victory" all the way to the bottom of the river!

Remember this: in any kind of significant relationship, you can't win unless other person also wins. So in your own best interest, you have to make sure that he or she wins. For exactly the same reason, the other person has to make sure that you win. The only alternative is that you both lose.

When you choose to enter into a significant relationship with another person, you're also choosing to become a member of a team. All relationships involve choice. You can choose whether that team is going to succeed or fail. You decide whether it brings you pain or delight. It's your choice.

------------

Have a great day!

Shannon

Love, American Style

I saw this cartoon today and it made me sad. Initially it's funny, but then I felt bad for all the people who really feel this way about relationships.
It's such a familiar theme in our modern culture; marriage = end of fun & frolic, and the beginning of an arduous, life-long chore that we are destined to bear.

What does it say about our generation, when we live in the best era in history, and yet can't find happiness in one of the most basic forms, relationships?

Constant Contact

I travel a lot and often don't get to see the kids and Shannon for a week or two at a time. Although it is hard on us all when I'm gone, we make it a real focus to talk to each other at least once a day. This has really helped keep each others spirits up.
I was recently at a engagement and while traveling with a group of other guys, one of them said that he hadn't spoken to his wife in three days. I had to ask what seemed to me the obvious question, "Is she mad at you?" He, very matter of factually said that she wasn't, he just forgets to call her and they don't really think about it too much.
I honestly could not understand that thinking.
One of the greatest things about modern technology is the fact that there is really no excuse not to get in contact with the ones you love on a consistent basis. We are so blessed to have the ability to get on a phone or computer and communicate with those we love most. We don't have to wait weeks or months for the post to come as in the old days. We aren't paying a crazy per minute charge to call long distance. There is literally no excuse not to have daily contact.
I want to be able to encourage Shannon when she is having a rough day while at home with the kids by herself and I need that in return from her while out working. However, it's not just the encouragement, it's more often just the reminder of our relationship. How much I love hearing her voice. How much I enjoy teasing the kids or just hearing about their day. Every day!
We, like Oprah, have found Skype recently. It's a great, free way to not just talk but to see them and they me.
Make it a habit to call your spouse at least once a day, just to check in on them and see how they are.
Husbands, one phone call in the middle of the day to say "I love you" or "How are you doing" will be much appreciated by your wife.
Wives, the same right back at you. We love to know that you are thinking of us throughout your day. Even in the middle of "slaying the dragons" there is always time for a quick, "I'm proud of you, I believe in you, I love you" from our princesses.

How did she get THAT gene?

The kids are old enough now we have them share in cleaning the dishes duties. The other day it was Avery's turn to load the dishwasher. Although they all take longer then needs to be taken to load, Avery has a way of really dragging it out. About 1/4 of the way through she decides she has to take a bathroom break. No big deal. She comes back about 5 minutes later to begin again. After another 15 minutes of taking her time loading she suddenly has to go to the bathroom again. It was then when I realized she does that a lot when it comes to work. She will get started then suddenly have to go to the bathroom. This will happen a few times during whatever the assignment will be. She can go all day playing with friends or watching a long movie and never have to get up, but when it comes to work, all of the sudden her bladder starts tapping at her.

Suddenly an even bigger realization came to me... I did the exact same thing growing up. I started to have flashbacks to working concrete with my step dad during the summers and I would often find myself having to go to the bathroom, just to get a break from working, even if just for a few minutes. I would do it during house chores as well, hoping that the five minutes I spent in the bathroom would mean when I got out the work had somehow magically diminished.

Avery and I definitely share some personality traits like being nosy by wanting to be involved in adult conversations, a desire for attention and a love of laughing. Those I attribute to being a third child. Since she was borne, everyone has said she looks like me but is the "bathroom gene" something that could actually be passed on?

Looks and middle child personality traits, those I get, but I never realized I could pass on the "I'm working, therefore I must go to the bathroom" gene?

This is a test to my site through my phone

New look, new feel, new direction

Hey Everyone,
First of all, I know it's been a while since I posted. I have been going through some major changes and have not had the time to post anything. In the meantime it has given me a chance to think about the direction of my blog and what I really want to do with it. Up to now it has been simply an advice blog. Tips and ideas I have from my book and my events. Even though I will continue to do so, I have now decided to add more about my life and what is going on in our family. The idea behind this new direction is to show the ideas and principles I teach actually being put into action.

Ideas, tips and tricks are fine and good, yet the purpose is also to show how they can work in your life, marriage and family.
In addition, some of the blogs will be video blogs...If I can ever figure out how to make the video cam work with sound.

I hope this finds you all well and the new direction of the site excites you as much as it does me.
Dino

P.S. I did hold a drawing of the winner for the contest. I did it with the video cam. Unfortunately as you just read, I am having difficulty getting the sound to work on it. As soon as I get that to work I will post it. The person who won goes by the name S'mee and I don't know who that is, so I will need their contact information.

New Look Contest

In celebration of Spring we have grown a new look for the blog. As you can tell, we have made it match our web site with our main logo and information as well as changing the name to The Business of Marriage.

In honor of that we want to get your feedback on the new look as well as ANYTHING else you want to comment on. Just for leaving a comment you will be entered into a drawing for a $25 American Express gift card. That's right, just for leaving a comment, you could win a $25 gift card to spend as you like!

I love getting feed back from all of you and I appreciate your support of my mission to change the direction of divorce in this country.
By the way, the winner will be announced on Monday April 6th so you better hurry!

Great letter from a Great couple

In preparing my book, I want to make sure there are some great examples and experiences from real people. I have asked a few people to write their experience in marriage and somehow relate it to my business idea. This is part of a letter sent to me from a wonderful woman whom I have known for over 25 years. I have watched Donna and her husband over the years and always been impressed with their relationship. This is only a portion of the letter she sent to me and i am sure you will all find it very valuable.

Dino,
Business mergers are built through a series of negotiations. Marriage is built along the same lines. Marriage commitment has compromise at the very heart of it.

Unless you live in a vacuum, you have, at one time or another heard this statement. "Divide...and concur!" Well, it's true in every marriage. If you are not consistently alert and in tune with your spouse, some of the simplest things will split you right down the middle. Allowing what appears to be just a simple 'difference of opinion' in your marriage can easily add up day after day and eventually eat away at the whole foundation of commitment to each other. Then before you know it, your 'partnership' will crumble at the first wave of hardship.

For instance, while visiting a video store to rent movies back int eh VHS days, Dave and i happened to overhear one husband snapping at his wife because she had just turned to browse down the "Romance and Drama" section of the store. His words were burned into my mind forever when he shot here a disgusted look and stated, "We are NOT renting any of that Romance crap tonight!" The wife turned a bright red from embarrassment and it made everyone in the store feel very uncomfortable. Needless to say, that couple was, at that moment, a divided unit. And the sad thing was that they were divided over something as simple as picking out a movie.

Dave and I came away from that store thinking a lot about that couple. We wondered if perhaps we were doing the same kind of thing in our daily lives. I like to read and Dave likes to watch movies. Were our individual preferances for simple things in life helping us bond together or separating us from each other?

From that video store moment on, Dave and I decided, as a couple, to share our movie choices. If he got a 'shoot 'em up' movie, then I would get a Romance or Drama movie, and we made sure to watch both of them together. It was a great compromise and I loved my Dave all the more for showing me that what I liked mattered to him even if it wasn't something he was drawn to.

Learning to compromise will get many couples through all kinds of things. Especially those wild teenage years when your children work on their highly skilled, divide and concur routines. Just remember, commitment has real compromise at the heart of it. Work on those two things and your marriage merger will last forever.
Donna

Loving the "Gap" in your marriage.

Too often married couples live in the future expectation as opposed to living in the moment.

Sometimes in marriage we tend to find ourselves dwelling on a desired outcome as opposed to living in the present.

It's the "when, then" factor of our lives.

"When "this" happens, "then" I will feel or have that?
"When I loose weight, then I can be more sexually available for my spouse."
"When he/she listens to my needs, then I will stop yelling."
"When the kids are teenagers, then I can focus on our relationship again."

We all have our "when, then" mantra's in our life. We cling onto them. We "get by" with them. We will even fool ourselves into believing these are some sort of goals or things to work towards.

In fact the only thing these statements are doing is keeping us from living in the moment.
That area between what actually is and what you are hoping to get to is what I call the "Gap".

It is actually that "gap" between what is and what is wanted where we actually are is where you will find your relationship. Where you can find the love, passion and understanding you so desire. Your relationship is the "Gap" between the two. It's not the "then" part of your world, it's the now!

The thing we all have to understand is we have virtual no control over the outcome we end up with. We have no idea what the "then" or "there" will actually be. We have a hope of what it will be, but we don't know.

That old saying comes up again, "Man plans, God laughs."

For a very blunt example; take one of your "when, then" scenarios for your own spouse.
"When he/she does this, then I/we will have that."
What happens, heaven forbid, your spouse dies on the way home form work today? Your "then" will certainly never come to fulfillment. Your outcome has completely changed and worst of all you now realize you missed out on the now part of your life.

Now, I am not saying you should not have goals or a desired outcome. However, too often we tend to not live our lives and enjoy the now part of our lives in exchange for the "someday" effect.

I got news for you, Someday NEVER comes. There is no Someday on any calendar in the world!

You have to learn to live and love in the Gap between what is actually so in your life and where you want to eventually be in your life. Love the person in front of you, that you chose to spend the rest of your life with, NOW!

"Try" is a funny word.

I have a bit of a hang up when it comes to the word "try".

In my events I recount the story of the day my dad left. I was 8 years old and I still remember seeing him pull out of the driveway in his Honda packed with his stuff. Leaving our family for good. As I stood in my driveway my neighborhood friend Michelle cam riding up on her bike. She could obviously see I was upset and asked why. When I told her about my dad, she tried to console me by saying, "Oh my dad has left plenty of times but he always came back. I'm sure yours will too." However I knew, deep down, he would not.
I remember being frustrated at the time because my parents were quitting when they had taught me not to be a quitter.

When I was in T-ball and I struck out (Yep, back in those day's you could actually strike out in T-ball, and I did...more than once) they would tell me not to give up.

In soccer, even though I was the smallest one on the team and couldn't run as fast as the other kids, they would always tell me to keep trying.

When it came to chores around the house, they would tell me not to do just what was asked of me, but to go the extra mile.

Yet, there I stood, on my driveway watching my parents, give up, stop trying and forgetting the extra mile.

I know I am not the only child that has gone through a divorce and felt this way. I would also bet that most parents in this situation would respond to this in almost the same manner. Using the infamous words, "Well, we TRIED."

Now here is where it gets dicey for some people and a few of you might not like to hear this. The phrase "I'll try", in almost anything that matters, is basically saying, "I plan on failing, I just don't want to admit it right now."

Trying to make a cake, build a car or figure out a complicated math problem might be something you just don't know how to do and it's admirable you even want to attempt it. To often, however, people use the word "try" as a scape goat or an excuse as to why they quit or gave up early.

If you say, "I'm going to try and be a good husband" are you really dedicated to being one?
If you go into a marriage saying, "I'm going to try and make it work" are you committed to it's success?

You either do it or you don't. You are either committed or your not.

The reason so many people have a negative reaction to this concept is they don't like the idea of admitting failure. It pains us to say we actually failed at something. Why?

"It is on our failures that we base a new and different and better success."-Havelock Ellis

It's actually okay to admit defeat. You will survive an admittance of failure. However we, as a "people pleasing" people, feel it best to soften the blow with the wimpish reply, "Well, I tried."

Remember Mr. Miyagi? The momet he took Damiel San asside and told him in karate there is no "try". You either do or don't do. On right side of the road is do. On the left side of the road, don't do. In middle of road, "squash like grape".

In your marriage, make a decision to not get "squash like grape". Make the decision to allow each other to fail, for the purpose of learning, and commit to being a successful relationship. When you open yourself, your relationship and those around you up to a space of it being okay to fail as long as there is a commitment to learn from that failure, you open yourself up to a world of real love, peace and understanding.

Does it take being humble? Yep. Will you have to sacrifice some of your feelings of immediate gratification? Probably. Is it always fun? Nope. Will you need to never give up and go the extra mile? Absolutely.

And the reward for deciding not to "Try" and commit to success, is an amazing relationship with those you love most and an awesome example for your children and grandchildren.

Experts want you to be more Proactive as opposed to Reactive!

In a new post from the couples section of Yahoo, 10 "Relationship Experts" give advice on how to keep your relationship strong. (I'm still wondering why no one called me!) Click here to read the entire article.
In it they mention things like, Take Turns Talking, Touch a Lot, Being Positive and Being a Good Date.
What I like about this article is it is not a "repair" article. It's a "prepare" article.
Too many people are reactive after a situation arises as opposed to being proactive in their lives. Especially when it comes to their relationships.

I have a friend who sells home security alarms. The system is free, cost nothing to install. The client is only responsible for a small mentoring fee once a month. However that fee will protect them from fire, break-in or a medical emergency. He sells the alarms door to door and it's tough. Not because the product isn't awesome, because most people don't feel the need for this protection until after the break in. Then they wish they had that protection. They wish they had been proactive now that they are being forced to be reactive.

It's the same in relationships. You can choose to read the books, practice the skills and even get the counceling you need now, while everything seems fine in your relationship. Therefore being proactive against any possible future issue. Or you can do nothing to cultivate and improve your relationship now, hoping issues or challenges never arise. (BTW- The latter is a fantasy)

Look at your relationship and find ways you can be more proactive in your relationship as opposed to reactive. It will definately help in the long run.

A whole week, no posts

Sorry for the lack of postings. I have been sick all week and a little uninspired.
I will be back on the wagon again next week.
Hope you are all doing great.

Desperation vs. Transformation

Last time I spoke of asking your spouse how you are doing as a husband or a wife and how to hear that feedback.
Now we need to clarify how to make those adjustments.
Often, if the adjustments are big in the nature of your relationship you might tend to do that action out of desperation to show him or her you are "Trying" or "Changing". Unfortunately this type of change is usually only temporary because you are not transforming the actual behavior, your only doing it for show.

-If the complaint from your spouse is the lack of romance; taking then out to a nice restaurant and a movie once and expecting that to be sufficient for the next year, is a desperation move, not a transformation in your behavior.

-If the complaint is you don't help around the house as much as they would like; putting your dishes in the sink or even going so far as washing the actual dishes three times that week, then never again, is not a transformation, it's desperation.

Anything you are doing just so you can pull it out of your, "remember that time" bank is not a transformation, it's desperation.

When a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly, everything about it changes. It's physical body actually breaks down into a goo or slime then rebuilds itself into the form of a butterfly.

Like the caterpillar you need to be willing to transform yourself into a new being. This is very important, you also need to be willing to take the time to transform as well. The caterpillar does not become a butterfly over night. It takes time.

Those who are just doing the action out of desperation, ask themselves or their spouse the limiting question, "How much time it will take for "X" to happen."

Those who really want a transformation in the relationship won't even realize when the process is over...if it ever is.

Asking for a performance evaluation

Have you ever known anyone who has gone through a "Surprise Divorce"? Where the one spouse was just going on with life, not thinking anything was the matter, then "out of the blue" the other spouse wants them out or worse, a divorce? This is what I call a "surprise divorce".

A surprise divorce can be devastating; and not just for the obvious reasons. However being blindsided by a surprise divorce can often be avoided by one simple practice, repeated throughout your relationship. Checking in with each other through a Performance Evaluation.

During this evaluation time in your relationship your goal is to find out how you are doing as a spouse. We all THINK we are doing well at this or that. We all want to believe we are the best father, husband, wife or mother, but there is no better way to find out that to actually ask your spouse. Openly and honestly, here's the hard part, WITHOUT taking their answer as a judgment or insult! That's what make this so hard for some.

In business, there will be times where you will have a performance evaluation. You either receive them as an employee or you give one as an employer. In that evaluation you will be given, or if you are the boss you give, constructive criticism. That evaluation is for your own good. So you can know what you are doing well and what you need to focus on to improve your performance. When you listen, take the advice and adjust your performance accordingly, everybody wins.

It's the same in your relationship, you should seek that constructive criticism Don't be afraid to sit with your spouse and ask, "So how am I doing as a Husband/ wife?" "Is there something I can improve on?" "What can I do better?" Then be ready to shut your mouth and take notes. That doesn't mean you can not get clarity on the "evaluation" it just means it's not time to pick a fight. You asked, and hopefully you asked because you really want to know. If you fight back or defend yourself in any way, you will not gain the trust of your spouse in this exercise and the evaluation will be for not. They have to be able to trust that you really want to know and that they can speak freely.

It can be scary and maybe a little uncomfortable. However, not as uncomfortable as the inside of a divorce courtroom.

Next time we will discuss how to act on the information and how not to act on the information you now have.

I know you don't know. But if you did know, what would be your answer?

Do you find yourself saying "I don't know" when it comes to decisions in your marriage?
When asked your opinion on something as simple as "Where would you like to eat tonight?" and your response is "I don't know" you are only taking the easy way out. The trouble is, this can often be the root of your pointless arguments with your spouse.

Let's stay with this simple eating example. You are asked, "Where would you like to eat tonight?"
You reply, "I don't know." Secretly, you're craving Chinese but you remember the last time you went to the Chinese place your spouse complained afterward about the egg rolls. However, the last thing you want to eat tonight is Mexican.
Your spouse responds, "Okay then, let's go to El Tio Pepe's."
At this point you do one of two things.

#1. You start to whine and complain about how much you don't want to go there. In which case your spouse say's, "Well then where would you like to go?"
To which you reply, "I don't know" again. Then it becomes this big drama about what to eat. Typically no one is happy.

or #2.You keep your mouth shut. Go to the Mexican restaurant. Grumpily order. Have little to no conversation, complain about the littlest things. Then when asked what is wrong, tell your spouse that this was the last place you wanted to eat. Now frustration sets in and, once again, no one is happy.
All because you refused to say what you want.

This is just a tiny example, and maybe you are good about voicing your opinion about the little things. What about the big decisions?

Do you avoid giving your opinion because you don't what to be held accountable for the outcome?
Saying, "I Don't Know" only stops you from thinking and helps literally no one.
If you were an employee and constantly said, "I don't know" when asked a question or for your opinion from your boss, how long would you keep that job?
Next time you ask a question and the response you are given is "I don't know" try this out.
Respond with, "I know you don't know. But if you did know, what would it be?"

You might want to try that on yourself as well every once and a while.


See what happened below when two of my students tried this on.

Are you giving 100%?

Many people are under the misconception that a marriage is 50/50.
In order to be your best in a marriage, you need to bring your best.
If you were in a game or a business situation are you going to excel by only bringing half your game or knowledge? Of course not.

In a marriage you both have to be willing to be all in. Bringing your best selves to the table and consistently doing all you can to improve yourself.

If you have one foot in the boat and one foot on the shore, what is going to eventually happen every time? You'll end up on your butt.

It's time to reevaluate your commitment. If you have not been playing at 100%, then make the decision RIGHT NOW to change your game plan and be 100% committed to being married. Along with that decision is the commitment to grow together, support one another, forgive each other and uplift each other.

When you both give 100% you will be able to overcome trials, and keep the love, passion and understanding alive for the rest of your life.

Build a bridge and Get Over It!

How good are you at letting go of a grudge or disappointment? Do you hold on to those little things against your spouse that they've done knowingly or unknowingly to them?
If so you are slowly but surely building a wall or barrier between the two of you.
Many of us tend to hold onto a lot of little things as opposed to one big thing. But it's the little things that will get you every time.

Have you ever seen the string demonstration. Where one thread is easily broken, but the moment you start to combing multiple strings, the harder it is to break and the stronger that once one thread has become.

It's the same with your little grudges. The more you let pile up the stronger they become and the harder it is to forgive and move on.

You have to either be willing to forgive them, since you are also an imperfect being and undoubtedly you have done a thing or two to disappoint them as well, or you just need to choose to Get Over It.

Forgiveness is a vital part of your relationship and will definitely improve your marriage.

Here are some easy steps to help you forgive:

1. Realize that you are both fallible.
2. Make specific time to discuss the issue you have.
3. Be clear on why you are upset. Explain in specific's not generalities.
4. Tell them you forgive them.
5. (Here's a big one) Ask their forgiveness for the negative thoughts and attitudes you have had towards them.
6. Throw away the anger or hurt. If you find yourself thinking of it again or letting the issue upset you again, remind yourself you have already forgiven them.

When you forgive your spouse you will grow closer and stronger as a couple.

Would you marry you?

I am a Facebook nut. (come join me)Some might say addict. The networking with new friends and reconnecting with old ones is really fascinating to me. Within Facebook there are Notes that can be created. These notes can either express opinions, relay stories or ask probing questions. One of the notes that is being passed around is a questionnaire about you, your life and personality. Within this set of questions one, I feel, should invoke a lot of thought.

The question is this, "If you were someone else, would you be friends with you?"
What a great question to ask yourself. What a great opportunity to take inventory of how you are as a friend. Do you gossip? Are you loyal? Are you helpfully truthful? Are you a flake? Do you show up on time to events? Do you show you value them being in your life?

This is also a great probing question when it comes to marriage.

Ask yourself honestly:
If you are married- If I was my spouse, would I want to be married to me?
If you are single- If I was my potential spouse, would I choose me?

Are you caring and sensitive to your their needs? Do you go out of your way to show charity, compassion and understanding? Do you forgive easily? Do you uplift them in their endeavors or hobbies? Do you ask them if you are being a good spouse? Are you open to hearing what they have to say and really trying to understand their needs? Do you confide in them instead of someone else? Are you growing as a person? Are you growing spiritually?

If you are not someone you would marry or want to stay married to, why would you ask someone else to be?

What's your brand?

Quick, when I say "Mc Donalds" what do you think about?
How about Nike? Disneyland? Hawaii? Michael Jackson? Dolly Parton? Donald Trump?

All of these places and people immediately conjure up a certain thought or image in your head. These images or ideas are specific and for the most part, prevalent with most people. Although there might be a few variations, typically we all have a certain image of these products and people.

...And that is exactly how they want it! These companies have spent millions of dollars in advertising and the people have spent thousands of hours, ensuring you have that specific image of them. Whether you know it or not, you did not come up with that image of the product or person. It was specifically designed for you to think of when you see, hear or talk about them. It's called branding and it is one of the most powerful ways a company or celebrity has to get a message across to a potential client and to keep the ones they already have.

Here's is something you might not have realized. You have a brand as well. You as an individual and you as a couple. When other people think about or see you, there is a specific image, characteristic or idea they have of you. Immediately!

Think about it. When I ask you if you know of a Ken and Barbie couple, the couple that is just too good looking to be real, is there someone you think of?
What about the martyr couple, the ones who are always trying to fix everyone's life or do good, at the detriment of their own relationship?
What about the funny couple?
The to much PDA couple.
The angry couple.
The sad couple.
The totally in love couple.
The granola or tree huger couple.
The rich couple.
The "something's just not right" couple.
The touch-y feel-y couple.

There are definitely many different "types" out there.

They are all nothing but a brand you put on them. AND it is more often than not, the actual image they are putting out there. Consciously or subconsciously, everyone puts out a specific brand. Some couples actually work at it, where others let opinions or circumstance brand them.

I hope it makes you think about what brand you and your spouse are projecting for others? What image are you helping others conjure up about you.

Are you showing that you are the funny couple or the "put upon" couple?
Are you joyous in your afflictions or are you always complaining?

I remember the Cannon's. Growing up they were always a couple that would catch my eye. Outwardly they were not the best looking couple. He was balding and a bit overweight. She was on the heavier side as well. However, they were in love. You could see it all the time. They would always be holding hands, hugging and just looking at each other with "that look". It wasn't like they were newlyweds either. They had 4 or 5 kids and still had that look about them. I remember looking at them thinking how cool they were because they really showed their love for each other and to the world. No matter the packaging, they were in control of their brand.

If you want to be a specific brand and you're concerned your message is not getting across to others, then start creating what you want today. You can't fake it. You must become it. Then others will start to recognize your brand and think of you accordingly.

I am the worlds greatest husband and father. I introduce my self as that. So therefore I have to act as I think the worlds greatest husband and father would. Both in my house and out in public. It's the brand that I work on and I control.
And it works. Just this week alone, Shannon has had three different people comment on how much they enjoy seeing us together and how they love what they see. That is not the first time, not the 10 time that has happened. Why? Because I really am in love with her and she with me. Project the brand I want.
I don't say this to toot my horn. I created that.

Start acting as if you are the image and brand you want and you will eventually become that brand.

Where's the real romance?

In the past three weeks Shannon and I have seen three or four different, so called romantic comedies. (Hey I like an occasional chick flick) Each one of them followed almost the same pattern. Guy and girl meet under false pretense, where one of them is pretending to be something they are not, then under the worst of circumstances they fall in love, the secret is revealed, they hate each other until one of them desperately confesses their love for the other and all is forgiven. They then live happily ever after.

This plot is not at all original and is to be expected when going to this type of movie. No one is expecting an Academy Award to come out of it.
However, I have been noticing a disturbing trend lately. Most, if not all, the characters are jerks!

It's mostly the guy characters, but the fact that these women would actually choose this type of guy, no matter how heart felt the speech at the end is, is sad and pathetic. Why is it the leading man's qualities, girls are supposed to swoon over, include him being as crude as possible, with virtually no redeeming qualities? When did it become okay to portray the "man of her dreams" as a looser who either doesn't have a job, lies to get what he wants or is just an all out idiot when it comes to how to treat a woman. Then excuse it all in the end because he looks good, has a killer smile, well all's forgiven because he really LOVEs her.

Look I've never thought that what is portrayed in movies should be an example or a goal for anyone to desire. But come on! If this is all the young girls and woman see on the screen, will they be more willing to accept that behavior in real life?

Unfortunately this type of story is becoming more and more prevalent. Just last week I saw another trailer for a upcoming movie where the guy is a literal male slut, sleeping with every thing that walks. At one point he is shown the hundreds of girls he's slept with and dumped, only to later be reunited with his "child hood sweetheart" who, of course is a successful, attractive and all around nice person.. Then after a few mishaps and most likely some lame speech, all is forgiven and he's now the guy of her dreams. It makes me vomit a little in my mouth. What kind of woman really wants to be with a walking STD?

All this example really does is tell young men, they can act like jerks as long as they ask for forgiveness in the end. Is there any wonder why young men, and a lot of 30 somethings as well, don't know how to be MEN. They seem to have no clue how to truly date and "woo" a woman.

In my disgust that this is what is being passed off as romance or acceptable behavior, I then have to realize who is actually writing these scripts. It's young, mostly unmarried, guys (I refuse to call them men) who have no real relationship experience at all. It is these losers who are telling our daughters this type of behavior is acceptable.

The true manly examples of characters like, Mr. Darcy, Wesley (The Dread Pirate Roberts), or William Thacker are what women need to see more of on screen. Men who might be a bit goofy or not as swave but still know that anatomy humor or torrid hook ups are not the way to a woman's heart.

I hope this Valentines day all the fathers out there will show their daughters how a real man treats the woman he loves by romancing his wife, their mother, the old fashioned way. Through her heart and mind.

How to pay back the "Stimulus" in less time with better results!

I have to confess to not having read the entire proposed stimulus that President Obama is going to get passed. However, I would actually be willing to bet there is nothing in the package giving money toward any type of positive marriage programs. I would actually be shocked if, out of all the "pork" in the bill there was even one red cent given to pre-marital counseling programs or separation counseling. If we can give government money to support abortions in other countries or give millions to pay people in "volunteer" programs (yep you read that correctly) why not give money to programs that actually can improve the most sacred institution of all; marriage.

In a study by the Institute for Marriage and Public Policy researchers found that the cost of fragmented (divorced and unwed childbearing) families on the US taxpayer is $112 billion a year. That’s billion with a “B” coming out of your wallet. A little over 1/9th the entire package, in one year. Over one decade that calculates to over $1.1 trillion. However, if the rate of fragmented families was reduced by just 10 percent, taxpayers would save over $10 billion annually.

So just by a 10% decrease in divorces and fragmented families, we as tax payers, (recent cabinent nominated congressmen and women excluded), would save over $100 billion dollars in the next 10 years. Not to mention the fact that we would have a stronger, more solvent society, with a focus on the family. With a government that actually encourages strong and thriving marriages and family unity. So tell me again, why is there nothing in the bill that does this?

I know that $2.4 billion for "neighborhood stabilization activities" is very important, can't figure out exactly why right at this moment but, how about a tax cut for those who take premarital counseling. After all, evidence shows that pre-marital counseling decreases the chance of divorce by 30%. If that happened we would save over $30 billion a year and $300 Billion over the next decade. In just 10 years, by a decrease in the divorce rate alone, we would have paid back over 1/3 of the entire bill. What a gift that would be to the next generation. So isn't that worth some sort of stimulus injection?

I know this one is a crazy idea, what about a larger tax credit for people who adopt a child into a two parent home. (I'm talking triple or 4x what they get now). Even crazier would be to give one to young girls who take education classes on the benefits of adoption and then actually give their baby up for adoption. I know, I know, I can hear the abortion rights people screaming something about that idea being like baby brokering, or whatever. It's foolish of me to think we should spend any money on something like that when we need to fund more abortions, even if they're not in this country. But I digress.

There’s an old saying that no one really cares about something until it affects their own pocketbook. If that’s what it takes really takes for people to start wanting to do something about it, then maybe my plan has some legs.

Divorce is not often looked at as a financial challenge when it comes to anyone other than those immediately involved, yet it effects all of us. Therefore the promotion of happy and healthy marriages would undoubtedly have the same effect, just in a much more positive way.

Become bigger than the challenge

I often talk about having "challenges" instead of "problems". In a previous post I explained that a problem is something your mind automatically puts as a negative and possible stopping point, whereas a "challenge" is something your mind can distinguish as something that can be overcome.

One way to over come that challenge was taught to me by T. Harv Eker. even though he still uses the word "Problem" (I'll bring him over to my side someday) the principle still works. And for our purposes I will continue to use the word challenge.

If you want to get over a challenge faster, you have to become someone who is bigger than that particular challenge. Playing small serves no one. Especially when it comes to challenges in your life or relationship.

I'll use Harv's chart example to explain.

If you have a level 5 challenge and you are a level 3 person. That's a big challenge.

However if you have a level 5 challenge and you are a level 8 person, now it's a small challenge.

Become a level 10 person and it's no challenge at all.

We are all going to have challenges in life. No matter who you are, they will arise. So stop trying to get rid of challenges and start becoming bigger than they are.

If you are having a particular challenge in your marriage, become bigger than the challenge. the fastest and quickest way to do this is by getting educated on wys you can overcome that challenge.
Read books, go to trainings, of course come to one of my events, read this blog as you are or watch the Youtube videos. You have to take action and want to overcome it. Some challenges won't be overcame over night. That is no reason to stop trying.

Just because the hurdle runner knocks over one, two or three hurdles on his way to the finish line, doesn't mean he is not able to ultimately win the race.

What's their currency?

Do you know what your spouse's currency is? What makes them tick? How do you know they know, you love them?
I've talked before about letting your spouse know what makes you feel loved. This is a bit of a continuation of that idea.
We all have things we want, love, cherish or desire of our own. So it makes sense your spouse does as well. It might be time to read a book in a bath with an empty house. It might be a day at the spa. It might be just being able to sit and watch the game without interruption or a round of golf on Saturday instead of the normal Honey-do list.
Currency, is that thing you can give to your spouse without expecting anything, except their well being, in return. It is not a "because I let you do this, you owe me this."
This is very important to understand. When we "allow" an activity such as a golf day or a shopping with out the kids day, only to hold that over your spouses head as to why they must now do this or that for you, it takes away the pleasure they should be able to enjoy during their time away.

As Valentines day approaches, instead of the usual candy, flowers and cards, figure out what your spouse's currency is and give that to them instead.
Give him a Saturday with no lists. Give her a girls night out. If you truly get into it and really give from your heart, you will gain so much more in the end.

Seperation vs. Divorce

I have recently become a fan of a great speaker on Marriage. His name is Mark Gungor. He is a pastor and a very funny relationship expert.
This entry of his was so on point.
If people would stop rushing to the divorce line and step back for a minute. Take a beep breath and give them selves a bit of a "time out", I would bet the divorce rate would decrease.
Why is it we are willing to tell our kids they need to work situations out, such as arguments with siblings, yet when it comes to marriage, too many are willing to go straight to divorce.
Isn't the time and lives invested in your marriage worth a second look?
It gives you an opportunity to focus your attention on what is important. If you are both willing to fall in love again and create a plan for success, you can and will find that passion and desire for each other again.
Here is what Mark had to say.

Live events

Here is a little sample of one of my live events. It was given recently to a small company in the area for employees and their spouses.

The higher the emotion the lower the IQ

Think of it. Have you ever been in an argument or in a space where you were really angry and you just couldn't get out the point of view you wanted to? Then a few hours after the event, you had calmed down and all of the sudden had the perfect come back or the information you were looking for just came to you.

It happens to all of us.

I used to think it only dealt with anger, however I realized it also works the same with good emotions. That's why we tend to make bad decisions when we are in a euphoric feeling of "love". This is where many people get in trouble when it comes to relationships or choosing the right spouse, because they "Fell in Love".

Unfortunately John Lennon was wrong, Love is NOT all you need! The idea that because you love someone is a good enough reason to marry them is insane!

Have I got your attention now?

Loving someone is never a good enough reason to continue dating them, especially if you are looking for a match to marry. I know the movies and television tell you consistently that love is all you need and that love conquers all. Well, this is your wake up call. Love is only a component. There are many other, and at times more important qualities you should rely on. Too often the excuse, “But I love him” is used to stay in a relationship that is going nowhere or even worse, degrading one or the both of you.
As human beings we are built to love. It’s in our chemical makeup. The following is from a study about what chemically happens to us when we “Fall in love”.

“…when we fall in love we are falling into a stream of naturally occurring amphetamines running through the emotional centers of our very own brains. That is why we feel exhilarated, manic, powerful, creative, suddenly grown up if we are young and suddenly rejuvenated if we are older. The ecstasy of love is located in our nerves; we get high; we speed. Eventually, our nerves being what they are, their endings become amphetamine immune or exhausted, and the delirium of our free fall abates. We come down to earth.” Young-Bruehl, Elisabeth.
Where Do We Fall When We Fall In Love?
Journal for the Psychoanalysis of Culture and Society - Volume 8, Number 2, Fall 2003, pp. 279-288

The act of falling in and out of “love” with something or someone happens to us many times throughout our lives. This gives us the opportunity to learn and grow. Love comes and goes in various forms and degrees. What you are “in love” with today will not be what you are in love with tomorrow. And here’s the reason why “LOOOVVVEEE” is not enough of a reason to someone… falling in and out of love will continue to happen FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Even with the person you do end up marring!

I know there are mornings my wife wakes up, rolls over and thinks, “Who the H-E -double hokey sticks did I marry?” If not mornings, there are definitely moments! Even hours and I dare say days. How do I know this? Because there are days where I’m not “in love” with my wife. I would venture to say that every person, provided they are not hopped up on some sort of psychiatric drug, has gone at least a day or two without feeling love towards their spouse. At least not the feeling of euphoric love used by many to stay with someone they shouldn’t. We just read what happens to the brain when we fall in love. Did you see the last part there?
“Eventually, our nerves being what they are, their endings become amphetamine immune or exhausted, and the delirium of our free fall abates. We come down to earth.”
Meaning we all will have that “roll over” moment. It’s physiology. Where we really learn the power of commitment is not during the “love” stages of our relationship, it’s understood in the down stages. In the moments where we decide to fall in love over and over and over again, and we choose to do so because of our commitment to something greater than ourselves.

I use words like “decide” and “choose” on purpose. Loving someone is a choice. Something you decide to do on a moment by moment basis. It’s like weight lifting.
In weight lifting, in order to “bulk up” you have to work out on a consistent, almost daily basis. Let’s suppose your goal is to become Mr. or Ms. Olympia, one of the biggest titles in weight lifting. You know there is no way possible for you to gain that title by working out two or three days a week. To be the best in that sport you have to work out a minimum of 6 days a week, at least 5 hours a day. Why? Of course building muscle is important. However, keeping the muscle tone is as important as gaining it. The only way to insure you keep that muscle tone is to consistently work out on an almost daily basis. It’s a huge commitment. Without the daily decision to continue with the workouts, they will never come close to reaching that goal.

It’s the same with the goal of having a successful and thriving marriage. Love is a muscle that must be exercised on a daily basis. If you don’t work that muscle every day, you will quickly loose the “tone” of that muscle. It must be worked on daily as well as understood, the more you work on it the stronger it will get.
Some people falsely think that if they wake up one morning without that feeling of love, it’s a sign and they focus on that as opposed creating a new feeling. Unfortunately, in our society today, too often people learn this lesson after getting married and then, instead of deciding to fall in love again, they “cut their losses” and divorce.

This is why I have this topic as the first topic and why I think it is so important to understand. If you get this in your dating process and you do it right, you will save yourself and possibly others a lot of hurt and pain.
If you are already married, this is where this book is so important for you. This book’s purpose it to help you understand that your marriage is a choice. EVERY DAY and EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY. Your choice is to fall in love again and again and again or not. And that choice will be made easier if you have the right foundation and plan for the success of your marriage.

"Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by the removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient".
-Ambrose Bierce

Just like the saying “Life is what happens, when your busy making other plans”, I believe “Marriage is what happens between falling in and out of love with each other.”

Out of all the necessary factors that should go into a decision of marriage namely, honesty, trust, communication, respect, commitment, humor, support, compassion, dependable, loyalty, intimacy, openness, kindness, faith, caring, sensitivity, tolerance, fun loving, generosity, nurturing, gentleness, hard working, reliable, active…just to name a few, LOVE is only a small factor in which to base such an important decision.

Let’s not forget, for centuries and even in some cultures today, arranged marriages; unions where the two getting married sometimes never even met one another till the wedding day, have flourished and grown into great marriages. Why? Because outside sources, usually a mother and a father, who have known the children literally from birth, are looking for the best match for marriage. The decision is based on taking the emotion out of the equation. It has nothing to do with a feeling or fleeting passion. It has to do with what is best for the children.

Oh I can hear it now; all the complaints and excuses, “But what about love?” “What about freedom”, “What about passion”, blah, blah, blah.
Am I advocating arranged marriages? No!....
Only for my two girls! I’m kidding! (kind of)

I only use this as an example to point out that LOVE is not a reason to get married.

Please do not misinterpret me on this point. Love is definitely an important part in a marriage. However, to get married because of love alone is foolish.

So what are the reasons two people should get married? Or if you are married what are the reasons you got and should stay married?

Both are great questions. And that is exactly what this book is all about. I hope that after you are finished with this book you will have a great many reasons why you should be, get and stay married.

If they don't get it, show 'em!

At a recent event, a young lady approached me in distress over a matter with her husband. She told me how unhappy she was with the lack of affection he showed her.
"He never kisses me "just because" any more and hardly even hold my hand in public. At night, he would prefer to sit in his chair as opposed to sitting with me on the couch. In bed, he never rolls over just to snuggle me. As a matter of fact, the only time we share any intimacy is when I have to initiate sex."
She continued to get more and more upset as she went on with her complaint for the next few minutes. After she had finished, I asked a question that definitely stunned her. The question was simply this.

"Have you shown him what you want from him or how to act?"

After her stunned look she responded with, "What do you mean by that."

My response was direct and simple, "Have you gone up to him in public and kissed him while telling him how cute or sexy he is? Do you grab his hand when walking through the mall and tell him how happy he makes you? At night, do you go over to him and sit on his lap with a big hug and kiss, thanking him for being such a hard worker and providing for your family? Do you roll over at night and snuggle him while whispering how much he means to you?"

Again, stunned, she was looking a little more perturbed at me when she complained, "Why should I have to do those things? He should just want to."

And therein lies the challenge. In this case it applies to the female in the relationship, but that is not necessarily the norm. For our purposes we will focus on the female side of things.

Women need to understand, not all men are built with the "romance" or "affection" gene. However, they are willing to be taught it.

Men, by nature, are not the cuddly or touchy-feely types. You ladies are. The challenge comes because during the dating portion of your relationship, any touch or sign of affection was looked upon by you as proof that he was this way. (Frankly, because of the state of euphoria you are in during that time period ANY sign of those affections were taken to a dramatic degree so they can rarely be relied upon as a sign of what he will be like in the future). What you need to understand is like fading paint on a house or an old photograph, because of life happening, that "sign" often fades away as well.

Remember, when you were dating and he held your hand in public, it was a sign of, "Stay away, she's with me" to all other males in the area. Every thing he did when it comes to affection, was because he was getting something he wanted in return, both mentally and physically.

After life has been happening for a while those reasons of getting the "rewards", i.e. hand holding, snuggling and other signs of affection, tend to be taken for granted and can often slowly erode.

Women, being the wonderfully enhanced creatures you are, never forget....anything....ever! So in your mind when those signs of affection wean away, it is taken as a personal response to you. It must mean something. And when it's not what you want it to "look like", you tend to go into despair, nag and complain mode.

So let me give you the same answer I gave to that young lady.
Like software on a computer, men need to be updated from time to time. The way to do this is not by telling or nagging, because now you are becoming a mother figure telling him what to do. Even worse that what he "thinks" he is doing in the form of affection is not good enough. You have to show him by example.


When you show him what you want by doing it yourself to him, and tell him how much you like it when he does that to you, (NO MATTER HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN SINCE HE HAS DONE THAT TO YOU) he now has upgraded "software" and has a better idea of what you want.

Here's what I mean:
If you want him to hold your hand more often, be the first to grab his and give him your "special smile" (you know the one) when you do. Then say something like, "I really love holding your hand. It fit's so perfectly in mine."
At night if he is sitting in his chair and you want him up on the couch with you, go over to him, sit on his lap and tell him it's more comfortable over on the couch with you, if he would care to join you. When he does so say something like, "I love sitting with you, it makes it easier to give you a kiss when you are closer to me."

It's very simple, show him the action you desire from him and then tell him why you like that thing. This gives him the new knowledge he requires and can jog memories of the past you both used to enjoy.

Forward thinking

Successful companies are always forward thinking. They are consistently looking at their goals and finding out the smartest and fastest ways to make them happen by working on it today. They don’t let the hope of the future stop them from working on the business today. Likewise they don’t sit around focusing on failures of yesterday. Think of Donald Trump, at one point he was billions of dollars in debt, had bad business deals left and right and virtually lost all of his daddy’s money. He could have chosen to sit around and play the poor me game. Instead he turned it around, working one day at a time, focusing on what he could do today to change things and look at him now.
Successful companies know, the more they focus on today, the faster they will get to tomorrow.
Sometimes, in marriage, we tend to either look at what he or she didn’t do or what we are afraid they will do and that thought process only stops us from living in the now.

People who spend their time focusing on the past are always more depressed.
Likewise those who only focus on the future of what could be, live in a state of anxiety. The only way to truly live and exist in your marriage is to live in the today.

There is nothing you can do about either the past or the future. Changing the past is as impossible as controlling the future.

If one spouse is stuck in the past while the other wants to move on with their life it can cause strain and ultimately the destruction of the marriage.

I've talked about her before, and she is definitely worth mentioning again. Marci Shimoff has an amazing book called, Happy for NO Reason, 7 Steps for being happy from the inside out. It is well worth the read. The book helps you focus on the four pillars of happiness, your mind, heart, body and soul and how to build your happiness home. Here is a link to her web site so you can pick up a hard copy or a book on tape. Even if you are someone who is generally happy, this book will inspire you to spread that happy lifestyle to everyone around you.

ACTION PLAN

Start today. Give up what has happened and focus on what is happening. Start with a journal or a blog or anything where you can focus on today.
Sure, feel free and look forward to things in the future like vacations or birthdays and its fine to fondly remember things from your past or remember what has happened so you don’t make that mistake again. It’s when we start to dwell on the negatives or get stressed about the future where you get into trouble and move into inaction.

The more you focus on what they did or didn’t do the more energy you give it. If it's an issue with a spouse, your job and responsibility is to express you’re your feelings with your spouse and then move on. It’s like Dr. Laura say’s, "Stop whining and start living".