Rules for arguing!

As we established, arguing is an important part of your relationship. I should probably mention that doing so in front of your young children, not the best idea. However, as your young children get older, it's good for them to know that mom and dad have feelings as well and sometimes we even get angry with each other. If you are going to let them know that, you also need to show them how you end the argument as well. Our kids have seen or over heard us in an argument and later we have sat them down to tell them we had resolved the issue and we made up. Why do this? It teaches them a few things.
#1 Just like they get frustrated with their siblings or friends, mom and dad sometimes get frustrated at each other. In other words, we're human too.
#2 Children need to see a healthy (for lack of a better word) way to resolve upset feelings.
#3 They need to see an example of the humility and charity that comes along with ending the argument.
#4 Lastly, they need to see examples of how to stand up for a point of view. This way they feel it is okay to say how they feel instead of holding it all inside.

So how do you argue?
We already established need to argue. Some studies have show couples who fight have a stronger marriage.

#1- Make it a Fair Fight
The goal here is to grow together not winning at any cost. If one spouse wins...both lose.

No Name Calling
Especially derogatory names such as "stupid", "idiot" or "looser". As discussed in a previous entry, name calling is only degrades the relationship and the one doing the calling. No calling family members or good friends names either. The argument is between the two of you. It might be about someone else, but they are not involved and should not be used as a reason.

Do Not Involve Other People
Sometime people want to get a third party involved, like a family member or friend. The challenge here is when the argument is over. You and your spouse might have moved on, but the outside party is now stuck with the knowledge and could have a one sided opinion of one of you. If the issue is not able to be resolved between the two of you, get a professional or even a religious leader who can help. Keep family out of it!

The Past is the Past
Don't bring in old trash, it only tends to stink up the place. If you have already resolved and issue, you can not bring it up as a weapon in the present.The past is the past and if you can not get past the past, you have no right to throw it in your spouses face. That is a you "challenge" not a "them" challenge.

Stay focused on the Subject
Don't make it an all out brawl where you bring up ten different topics just so you can overwhelm the other person. Make your point clear and specific.

Don't Go to Bed Angry
I believe it is better to finish what has been started when it comes to arguments. Unresolved anger can destroy intimacy.
That being said, don't force the issue. If one is to frustrated and wants needs to get away from the issue, don't make it worse by forcing the argument to continue. Let it go for now if you both can agree to discuss it later.

Maintain a Sense of Humor
In order to do this, the comic Bill Evengal jokes about how his buddy told him to try arguing naked. That way the argument is guaranteed to be short, because how can two people seriously argue for any length of time when they are naked while doing so. The point is to remember that if you keep your sense of humor, not laughing at the other person or making fun of their point of view, it's always good to be able to laugh at yourself. BTW- Ladies, I can almost guarantee, if you decided to argue naked with your husband, you would almost always win the argument and they would not last very long.

Look in Each Others Eyes/ Don't roll them
According to a study by Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington, couples who's body language included even simple things such as eye rolling, deflective posture as in arms crossed, and non eye contact is a strong indicator of future divorce.
Stop what you are doing and look at your spouse when arguing.

Follow those rules and your arguments will be productive and positive experiances.