I know you don't know. But if you did know, what would be your answer?

Do you find yourself saying "I don't know" when it comes to decisions in your marriage?
When asked your opinion on something as simple as "Where would you like to eat tonight?" and your response is "I don't know" you are only taking the easy way out. The trouble is, this can often be the root of your pointless arguments with your spouse.

Let's stay with this simple eating example. You are asked, "Where would you like to eat tonight?"
You reply, "I don't know." Secretly, you're craving Chinese but you remember the last time you went to the Chinese place your spouse complained afterward about the egg rolls. However, the last thing you want to eat tonight is Mexican.
Your spouse responds, "Okay then, let's go to El Tio Pepe's."
At this point you do one of two things.

#1. You start to whine and complain about how much you don't want to go there. In which case your spouse say's, "Well then where would you like to go?"
To which you reply, "I don't know" again. Then it becomes this big drama about what to eat. Typically no one is happy.

or #2.You keep your mouth shut. Go to the Mexican restaurant. Grumpily order. Have little to no conversation, complain about the littlest things. Then when asked what is wrong, tell your spouse that this was the last place you wanted to eat. Now frustration sets in and, once again, no one is happy.
All because you refused to say what you want.

This is just a tiny example, and maybe you are good about voicing your opinion about the little things. What about the big decisions?

Do you avoid giving your opinion because you don't what to be held accountable for the outcome?
Saying, "I Don't Know" only stops you from thinking and helps literally no one.
If you were an employee and constantly said, "I don't know" when asked a question or for your opinion from your boss, how long would you keep that job?
Next time you ask a question and the response you are given is "I don't know" try this out.
Respond with, "I know you don't know. But if you did know, what would it be?"

You might want to try that on yourself as well every once and a while.


See what happened below when two of my students tried this on.

Are you giving 100%?

Many people are under the misconception that a marriage is 50/50.
In order to be your best in a marriage, you need to bring your best.
If you were in a game or a business situation are you going to excel by only bringing half your game or knowledge? Of course not.

In a marriage you both have to be willing to be all in. Bringing your best selves to the table and consistently doing all you can to improve yourself.

If you have one foot in the boat and one foot on the shore, what is going to eventually happen every time? You'll end up on your butt.

It's time to reevaluate your commitment. If you have not been playing at 100%, then make the decision RIGHT NOW to change your game plan and be 100% committed to being married. Along with that decision is the commitment to grow together, support one another, forgive each other and uplift each other.

When you both give 100% you will be able to overcome trials, and keep the love, passion and understanding alive for the rest of your life.

Build a bridge and Get Over It!

How good are you at letting go of a grudge or disappointment? Do you hold on to those little things against your spouse that they've done knowingly or unknowingly to them?
If so you are slowly but surely building a wall or barrier between the two of you.
Many of us tend to hold onto a lot of little things as opposed to one big thing. But it's the little things that will get you every time.

Have you ever seen the string demonstration. Where one thread is easily broken, but the moment you start to combing multiple strings, the harder it is to break and the stronger that once one thread has become.

It's the same with your little grudges. The more you let pile up the stronger they become and the harder it is to forgive and move on.

You have to either be willing to forgive them, since you are also an imperfect being and undoubtedly you have done a thing or two to disappoint them as well, or you just need to choose to Get Over It.

Forgiveness is a vital part of your relationship and will definitely improve your marriage.

Here are some easy steps to help you forgive:

1. Realize that you are both fallible.
2. Make specific time to discuss the issue you have.
3. Be clear on why you are upset. Explain in specific's not generalities.
4. Tell them you forgive them.
5. (Here's a big one) Ask their forgiveness for the negative thoughts and attitudes you have had towards them.
6. Throw away the anger or hurt. If you find yourself thinking of it again or letting the issue upset you again, remind yourself you have already forgiven them.

When you forgive your spouse you will grow closer and stronger as a couple.

Would you marry you?

I am a Facebook nut. (come join me)Some might say addict. The networking with new friends and reconnecting with old ones is really fascinating to me. Within Facebook there are Notes that can be created. These notes can either express opinions, relay stories or ask probing questions. One of the notes that is being passed around is a questionnaire about you, your life and personality. Within this set of questions one, I feel, should invoke a lot of thought.

The question is this, "If you were someone else, would you be friends with you?"
What a great question to ask yourself. What a great opportunity to take inventory of how you are as a friend. Do you gossip? Are you loyal? Are you helpfully truthful? Are you a flake? Do you show up on time to events? Do you show you value them being in your life?

This is also a great probing question when it comes to marriage.

Ask yourself honestly:
If you are married- If I was my spouse, would I want to be married to me?
If you are single- If I was my potential spouse, would I choose me?

Are you caring and sensitive to your their needs? Do you go out of your way to show charity, compassion and understanding? Do you forgive easily? Do you uplift them in their endeavors or hobbies? Do you ask them if you are being a good spouse? Are you open to hearing what they have to say and really trying to understand their needs? Do you confide in them instead of someone else? Are you growing as a person? Are you growing spiritually?

If you are not someone you would marry or want to stay married to, why would you ask someone else to be?

What's your brand?

Quick, when I say "Mc Donalds" what do you think about?
How about Nike? Disneyland? Hawaii? Michael Jackson? Dolly Parton? Donald Trump?

All of these places and people immediately conjure up a certain thought or image in your head. These images or ideas are specific and for the most part, prevalent with most people. Although there might be a few variations, typically we all have a certain image of these products and people.

...And that is exactly how they want it! These companies have spent millions of dollars in advertising and the people have spent thousands of hours, ensuring you have that specific image of them. Whether you know it or not, you did not come up with that image of the product or person. It was specifically designed for you to think of when you see, hear or talk about them. It's called branding and it is one of the most powerful ways a company or celebrity has to get a message across to a potential client and to keep the ones they already have.

Here's is something you might not have realized. You have a brand as well. You as an individual and you as a couple. When other people think about or see you, there is a specific image, characteristic or idea they have of you. Immediately!

Think about it. When I ask you if you know of a Ken and Barbie couple, the couple that is just too good looking to be real, is there someone you think of?
What about the martyr couple, the ones who are always trying to fix everyone's life or do good, at the detriment of their own relationship?
What about the funny couple?
The to much PDA couple.
The angry couple.
The sad couple.
The totally in love couple.
The granola or tree huger couple.
The rich couple.
The "something's just not right" couple.
The touch-y feel-y couple.

There are definitely many different "types" out there.

They are all nothing but a brand you put on them. AND it is more often than not, the actual image they are putting out there. Consciously or subconsciously, everyone puts out a specific brand. Some couples actually work at it, where others let opinions or circumstance brand them.

I hope it makes you think about what brand you and your spouse are projecting for others? What image are you helping others conjure up about you.

Are you showing that you are the funny couple or the "put upon" couple?
Are you joyous in your afflictions or are you always complaining?

I remember the Cannon's. Growing up they were always a couple that would catch my eye. Outwardly they were not the best looking couple. He was balding and a bit overweight. She was on the heavier side as well. However, they were in love. You could see it all the time. They would always be holding hands, hugging and just looking at each other with "that look". It wasn't like they were newlyweds either. They had 4 or 5 kids and still had that look about them. I remember looking at them thinking how cool they were because they really showed their love for each other and to the world. No matter the packaging, they were in control of their brand.

If you want to be a specific brand and you're concerned your message is not getting across to others, then start creating what you want today. You can't fake it. You must become it. Then others will start to recognize your brand and think of you accordingly.

I am the worlds greatest husband and father. I introduce my self as that. So therefore I have to act as I think the worlds greatest husband and father would. Both in my house and out in public. It's the brand that I work on and I control.
And it works. Just this week alone, Shannon has had three different people comment on how much they enjoy seeing us together and how they love what they see. That is not the first time, not the 10 time that has happened. Why? Because I really am in love with her and she with me. Project the brand I want.
I don't say this to toot my horn. I created that.

Start acting as if you are the image and brand you want and you will eventually become that brand.

Where's the real romance?

In the past three weeks Shannon and I have seen three or four different, so called romantic comedies. (Hey I like an occasional chick flick) Each one of them followed almost the same pattern. Guy and girl meet under false pretense, where one of them is pretending to be something they are not, then under the worst of circumstances they fall in love, the secret is revealed, they hate each other until one of them desperately confesses their love for the other and all is forgiven. They then live happily ever after.

This plot is not at all original and is to be expected when going to this type of movie. No one is expecting an Academy Award to come out of it.
However, I have been noticing a disturbing trend lately. Most, if not all, the characters are jerks!

It's mostly the guy characters, but the fact that these women would actually choose this type of guy, no matter how heart felt the speech at the end is, is sad and pathetic. Why is it the leading man's qualities, girls are supposed to swoon over, include him being as crude as possible, with virtually no redeeming qualities? When did it become okay to portray the "man of her dreams" as a looser who either doesn't have a job, lies to get what he wants or is just an all out idiot when it comes to how to treat a woman. Then excuse it all in the end because he looks good, has a killer smile, well all's forgiven because he really LOVEs her.

Look I've never thought that what is portrayed in movies should be an example or a goal for anyone to desire. But come on! If this is all the young girls and woman see on the screen, will they be more willing to accept that behavior in real life?

Unfortunately this type of story is becoming more and more prevalent. Just last week I saw another trailer for a upcoming movie where the guy is a literal male slut, sleeping with every thing that walks. At one point he is shown the hundreds of girls he's slept with and dumped, only to later be reunited with his "child hood sweetheart" who, of course is a successful, attractive and all around nice person.. Then after a few mishaps and most likely some lame speech, all is forgiven and he's now the guy of her dreams. It makes me vomit a little in my mouth. What kind of woman really wants to be with a walking STD?

All this example really does is tell young men, they can act like jerks as long as they ask for forgiveness in the end. Is there any wonder why young men, and a lot of 30 somethings as well, don't know how to be MEN. They seem to have no clue how to truly date and "woo" a woman.

In my disgust that this is what is being passed off as romance or acceptable behavior, I then have to realize who is actually writing these scripts. It's young, mostly unmarried, guys (I refuse to call them men) who have no real relationship experience at all. It is these losers who are telling our daughters this type of behavior is acceptable.

The true manly examples of characters like, Mr. Darcy, Wesley (The Dread Pirate Roberts), or William Thacker are what women need to see more of on screen. Men who might be a bit goofy or not as swave but still know that anatomy humor or torrid hook ups are not the way to a woman's heart.

I hope this Valentines day all the fathers out there will show their daughters how a real man treats the woman he loves by romancing his wife, their mother, the old fashioned way. Through her heart and mind.

How to pay back the "Stimulus" in less time with better results!

I have to confess to not having read the entire proposed stimulus that President Obama is going to get passed. However, I would actually be willing to bet there is nothing in the package giving money toward any type of positive marriage programs. I would actually be shocked if, out of all the "pork" in the bill there was even one red cent given to pre-marital counseling programs or separation counseling. If we can give government money to support abortions in other countries or give millions to pay people in "volunteer" programs (yep you read that correctly) why not give money to programs that actually can improve the most sacred institution of all; marriage.

In a study by the Institute for Marriage and Public Policy researchers found that the cost of fragmented (divorced and unwed childbearing) families on the US taxpayer is $112 billion a year. That’s billion with a “B” coming out of your wallet. A little over 1/9th the entire package, in one year. Over one decade that calculates to over $1.1 trillion. However, if the rate of fragmented families was reduced by just 10 percent, taxpayers would save over $10 billion annually.

So just by a 10% decrease in divorces and fragmented families, we as tax payers, (recent cabinent nominated congressmen and women excluded), would save over $100 billion dollars in the next 10 years. Not to mention the fact that we would have a stronger, more solvent society, with a focus on the family. With a government that actually encourages strong and thriving marriages and family unity. So tell me again, why is there nothing in the bill that does this?

I know that $2.4 billion for "neighborhood stabilization activities" is very important, can't figure out exactly why right at this moment but, how about a tax cut for those who take premarital counseling. After all, evidence shows that pre-marital counseling decreases the chance of divorce by 30%. If that happened we would save over $30 billion a year and $300 Billion over the next decade. In just 10 years, by a decrease in the divorce rate alone, we would have paid back over 1/3 of the entire bill. What a gift that would be to the next generation. So isn't that worth some sort of stimulus injection?

I know this one is a crazy idea, what about a larger tax credit for people who adopt a child into a two parent home. (I'm talking triple or 4x what they get now). Even crazier would be to give one to young girls who take education classes on the benefits of adoption and then actually give their baby up for adoption. I know, I know, I can hear the abortion rights people screaming something about that idea being like baby brokering, or whatever. It's foolish of me to think we should spend any money on something like that when we need to fund more abortions, even if they're not in this country. But I digress.

There’s an old saying that no one really cares about something until it affects their own pocketbook. If that’s what it takes really takes for people to start wanting to do something about it, then maybe my plan has some legs.

Divorce is not often looked at as a financial challenge when it comes to anyone other than those immediately involved, yet it effects all of us. Therefore the promotion of happy and healthy marriages would undoubtedly have the same effect, just in a much more positive way.

Become bigger than the challenge

I often talk about having "challenges" instead of "problems". In a previous post I explained that a problem is something your mind automatically puts as a negative and possible stopping point, whereas a "challenge" is something your mind can distinguish as something that can be overcome.

One way to over come that challenge was taught to me by T. Harv Eker. even though he still uses the word "Problem" (I'll bring him over to my side someday) the principle still works. And for our purposes I will continue to use the word challenge.

If you want to get over a challenge faster, you have to become someone who is bigger than that particular challenge. Playing small serves no one. Especially when it comes to challenges in your life or relationship.

I'll use Harv's chart example to explain.

If you have a level 5 challenge and you are a level 3 person. That's a big challenge.

However if you have a level 5 challenge and you are a level 8 person, now it's a small challenge.

Become a level 10 person and it's no challenge at all.

We are all going to have challenges in life. No matter who you are, they will arise. So stop trying to get rid of challenges and start becoming bigger than they are.

If you are having a particular challenge in your marriage, become bigger than the challenge. the fastest and quickest way to do this is by getting educated on wys you can overcome that challenge.
Read books, go to trainings, of course come to one of my events, read this blog as you are or watch the Youtube videos. You have to take action and want to overcome it. Some challenges won't be overcame over night. That is no reason to stop trying.

Just because the hurdle runner knocks over one, two or three hurdles on his way to the finish line, doesn't mean he is not able to ultimately win the race.

What's their currency?

Do you know what your spouse's currency is? What makes them tick? How do you know they know, you love them?
I've talked before about letting your spouse know what makes you feel loved. This is a bit of a continuation of that idea.
We all have things we want, love, cherish or desire of our own. So it makes sense your spouse does as well. It might be time to read a book in a bath with an empty house. It might be a day at the spa. It might be just being able to sit and watch the game without interruption or a round of golf on Saturday instead of the normal Honey-do list.
Currency, is that thing you can give to your spouse without expecting anything, except their well being, in return. It is not a "because I let you do this, you owe me this."
This is very important to understand. When we "allow" an activity such as a golf day or a shopping with out the kids day, only to hold that over your spouses head as to why they must now do this or that for you, it takes away the pleasure they should be able to enjoy during their time away.

As Valentines day approaches, instead of the usual candy, flowers and cards, figure out what your spouse's currency is and give that to them instead.
Give him a Saturday with no lists. Give her a girls night out. If you truly get into it and really give from your heart, you will gain so much more in the end.

Seperation vs. Divorce

I have recently become a fan of a great speaker on Marriage. His name is Mark Gungor. He is a pastor and a very funny relationship expert.
This entry of his was so on point.
If people would stop rushing to the divorce line and step back for a minute. Take a beep breath and give them selves a bit of a "time out", I would bet the divorce rate would decrease.
Why is it we are willing to tell our kids they need to work situations out, such as arguments with siblings, yet when it comes to marriage, too many are willing to go straight to divorce.
Isn't the time and lives invested in your marriage worth a second look?
It gives you an opportunity to focus your attention on what is important. If you are both willing to fall in love again and create a plan for success, you can and will find that passion and desire for each other again.
Here is what Mark had to say.