Posts
Here is a little sample of one of my live events. It was given recently to a small company in the area for employees and their spouses.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
The higher the emotion the lower the IQ
Think of it. Have you ever been in an argument or in a space where you were really angry and you just couldn't get out the point of view you wanted to? Then a few hours after the event, you had calmed down and all of the sudden had the perfect come back or the information you were looking for just came to you.
It happens to all of us.
I used to think it only dealt with anger, however I realized it also works the same with good emotions. That's why we tend to make bad decisions when we are in a euphoric feeling of "love". This is where many people get in trouble when it comes to relationships or choosing the right spouse, because they "Fell in Love".
Unfortunately John Lennon was wrong, Love is NOT all you need! The idea that because you love someone is a good enough reason to marry them is insane!
Have I got your attention now?
Loving someone is never a good enough reason to continue dating them, especially if you are looking for a match to marry. I know the movies and television tell you consistently that love is all you need and that love conquers all. Well, this is your wake up call. Love is only a component. There are many other, and at times more important qualities you should rely on. Too often the excuse, “But I love him” is used to stay in a relationship that is going nowhere or even worse, degrading one or the both of you.
As human beings we are built to love. It’s in our chemical makeup. The following is from a study about what chemically happens to us when we “Fall in love”.
“…when we fall in love we are falling into a stream of naturally occurring amphetamines running through the emotional centers of our very own brains. That is why we feel exhilarated, manic, powerful, creative, suddenly grown up if we are young and suddenly rejuvenated if we are older. The ecstasy of love is located in our nerves; we get high; we speed. Eventually, our nerves being what they are, their endings become amphetamine immune or exhausted, and the delirium of our free fall abates. We come down to earth.” Young-Bruehl, Elisabeth.
Where Do We Fall When We Fall In Love?
Journal for the Psychoanalysis of Culture and Society - Volume 8, Number 2, Fall 2003, pp. 279-288
The act of falling in and out of “love” with something or someone happens to us many times throughout our lives. This gives us the opportunity to learn and grow. Love comes and goes in various forms and degrees. What you are “in love” with today will not be what you are in love with tomorrow. And here’s the reason why “LOOOVVVEEE” is not enough of a reason to someone… falling in and out of love will continue to happen FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Even with the person you do end up marring!
I know there are mornings my wife wakes up, rolls over and thinks, “Who the H-E -double hokey sticks did I marry?” If not mornings, there are definitely moments! Even hours and I dare say days. How do I know this? Because there are days where I’m not “in love” with my wife. I would venture to say that every person, provided they are not hopped up on some sort of psychiatric drug, has gone at least a day or two without feeling love towards their spouse. At least not the feeling of euphoric love used by many to stay with someone they shouldn’t. We just read what happens to the brain when we fall in love. Did you see the last part there?
“Eventually, our nerves being what they are, their endings become amphetamine immune or exhausted, and the delirium of our free fall abates. We come down to earth.”
Meaning we all will have that “roll over” moment. It’s physiology. Where we really learn the power of commitment is not during the “love” stages of our relationship, it’s understood in the down stages. In the moments where we decide to fall in love over and over and over again, and we choose to do so because of our commitment to something greater than ourselves.
I use words like “decide” and “choose” on purpose. Loving someone is a choice. Something you decide to do on a moment by moment basis. It’s like weight lifting.
In weight lifting, in order to “bulk up” you have to work out on a consistent, almost daily basis. Let’s suppose your goal is to become Mr. or Ms. Olympia, one of the biggest titles in weight lifting. You know there is no way possible for you to gain that title by working out two or three days a week. To be the best in that sport you have to work out a minimum of 6 days a week, at least 5 hours a day. Why? Of course building muscle is important. However, keeping the muscle tone is as important as gaining it. The only way to insure you keep that muscle tone is to consistently work out on an almost daily basis. It’s a huge commitment. Without the daily decision to continue with the workouts, they will never come close to reaching that goal.
It’s the same with the goal of having a successful and thriving marriage. Love is a muscle that must be exercised on a daily basis. If you don’t work that muscle every day, you will quickly loose the “tone” of that muscle. It must be worked on daily as well as understood, the more you work on it the stronger it will get.
Some people falsely think that if they wake up one morning without that feeling of love, it’s a sign and they focus on that as opposed creating a new feeling. Unfortunately, in our society today, too often people learn this lesson after getting married and then, instead of deciding to fall in love again, they “cut their losses” and divorce.
This is why I have this topic as the first topic and why I think it is so important to understand. If you get this in your dating process and you do it right, you will save yourself and possibly others a lot of hurt and pain.
If you are already married, this is where this book is so important for you. This book’s purpose it to help you understand that your marriage is a choice. EVERY DAY and EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY. Your choice is to fall in love again and again and again or not. And that choice will be made easier if you have the right foundation and plan for the success of your marriage.
Just like the saying “Life is what happens, when your busy making other plans”, I believe “Marriage is what happens between falling in and out of love with each other.”
Out of all the necessary factors that should go into a decision of marriage namely, honesty, trust, communication, respect, commitment, humor, support, compassion, dependable, loyalty, intimacy, openness, kindness, faith, caring, sensitivity, tolerance, fun loving, generosity, nurturing, gentleness, hard working, reliable, active…just to name a few, LOVE is only a small factor in which to base such an important decision.
Let’s not forget, for centuries and even in some cultures today, arranged marriages; unions where the two getting married sometimes never even met one another till the wedding day, have flourished and grown into great marriages. Why? Because outside sources, usually a mother and a father, who have known the children literally from birth, are looking for the best match for marriage. The decision is based on taking the emotion out of the equation. It has nothing to do with a feeling or fleeting passion. It has to do with what is best for the children.
Oh I can hear it now; all the complaints and excuses, “But what about love?” “What about freedom”, “What about passion”, blah, blah, blah.
Am I advocating arranged marriages? No!....
Only for my two girls! I’m kidding! (kind of)
I only use this as an example to point out that LOVE is not a reason to get married.
Please do not misinterpret me on this point. Love is definitely an important part in a marriage. However, to get married because of love alone is foolish.
So what are the reasons two people should get married? Or if you are married what are the reasons you got and should stay married?
Both are great questions. And that is exactly what this book is all about. I hope that after you are finished with this book you will have a great many reasons why you should be, get and stay married.
It happens to all of us.
I used to think it only dealt with anger, however I realized it also works the same with good emotions. That's why we tend to make bad decisions when we are in a euphoric feeling of "love". This is where many people get in trouble when it comes to relationships or choosing the right spouse, because they "Fell in Love".
Unfortunately John Lennon was wrong, Love is NOT all you need! The idea that because you love someone is a good enough reason to marry them is insane!
Have I got your attention now?
Loving someone is never a good enough reason to continue dating them, especially if you are looking for a match to marry. I know the movies and television tell you consistently that love is all you need and that love conquers all. Well, this is your wake up call. Love is only a component. There are many other, and at times more important qualities you should rely on. Too often the excuse, “But I love him” is used to stay in a relationship that is going nowhere or even worse, degrading one or the both of you.
As human beings we are built to love. It’s in our chemical makeup. The following is from a study about what chemically happens to us when we “Fall in love”.
“…when we fall in love we are falling into a stream of naturally occurring amphetamines running through the emotional centers of our very own brains. That is why we feel exhilarated, manic, powerful, creative, suddenly grown up if we are young and suddenly rejuvenated if we are older. The ecstasy of love is located in our nerves; we get high; we speed. Eventually, our nerves being what they are, their endings become amphetamine immune or exhausted, and the delirium of our free fall abates. We come down to earth.” Young-Bruehl, Elisabeth.
Where Do We Fall When We Fall In Love?
Journal for the Psychoanalysis of Culture and Society - Volume 8, Number 2, Fall 2003, pp. 279-288
The act of falling in and out of “love” with something or someone happens to us many times throughout our lives. This gives us the opportunity to learn and grow. Love comes and goes in various forms and degrees. What you are “in love” with today will not be what you are in love with tomorrow. And here’s the reason why “LOOOVVVEEE” is not enough of a reason to someone… falling in and out of love will continue to happen FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Even with the person you do end up marring!
I know there are mornings my wife wakes up, rolls over and thinks, “Who the H-E -double hokey sticks did I marry?” If not mornings, there are definitely moments! Even hours and I dare say days. How do I know this? Because there are days where I’m not “in love” with my wife. I would venture to say that every person, provided they are not hopped up on some sort of psychiatric drug, has gone at least a day or two without feeling love towards their spouse. At least not the feeling of euphoric love used by many to stay with someone they shouldn’t. We just read what happens to the brain when we fall in love. Did you see the last part there?
“Eventually, our nerves being what they are, their endings become amphetamine immune or exhausted, and the delirium of our free fall abates. We come down to earth.”
Meaning we all will have that “roll over” moment. It’s physiology. Where we really learn the power of commitment is not during the “love” stages of our relationship, it’s understood in the down stages. In the moments where we decide to fall in love over and over and over again, and we choose to do so because of our commitment to something greater than ourselves.
I use words like “decide” and “choose” on purpose. Loving someone is a choice. Something you decide to do on a moment by moment basis. It’s like weight lifting.
In weight lifting, in order to “bulk up” you have to work out on a consistent, almost daily basis. Let’s suppose your goal is to become Mr. or Ms. Olympia, one of the biggest titles in weight lifting. You know there is no way possible for you to gain that title by working out two or three days a week. To be the best in that sport you have to work out a minimum of 6 days a week, at least 5 hours a day. Why? Of course building muscle is important. However, keeping the muscle tone is as important as gaining it. The only way to insure you keep that muscle tone is to consistently work out on an almost daily basis. It’s a huge commitment. Without the daily decision to continue with the workouts, they will never come close to reaching that goal.
It’s the same with the goal of having a successful and thriving marriage. Love is a muscle that must be exercised on a daily basis. If you don’t work that muscle every day, you will quickly loose the “tone” of that muscle. It must be worked on daily as well as understood, the more you work on it the stronger it will get.
Some people falsely think that if they wake up one morning without that feeling of love, it’s a sign and they focus on that as opposed creating a new feeling. Unfortunately, in our society today, too often people learn this lesson after getting married and then, instead of deciding to fall in love again, they “cut their losses” and divorce.
This is why I have this topic as the first topic and why I think it is so important to understand. If you get this in your dating process and you do it right, you will save yourself and possibly others a lot of hurt and pain.
If you are already married, this is where this book is so important for you. This book’s purpose it to help you understand that your marriage is a choice. EVERY DAY and EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY. Your choice is to fall in love again and again and again or not. And that choice will be made easier if you have the right foundation and plan for the success of your marriage.
"Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by the removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient".
-Ambrose Bierce
Just like the saying “Life is what happens, when your busy making other plans”, I believe “Marriage is what happens between falling in and out of love with each other.”
Out of all the necessary factors that should go into a decision of marriage namely, honesty, trust, communication, respect, commitment, humor, support, compassion, dependable, loyalty, intimacy, openness, kindness, faith, caring, sensitivity, tolerance, fun loving, generosity, nurturing, gentleness, hard working, reliable, active…just to name a few, LOVE is only a small factor in which to base such an important decision.
Let’s not forget, for centuries and even in some cultures today, arranged marriages; unions where the two getting married sometimes never even met one another till the wedding day, have flourished and grown into great marriages. Why? Because outside sources, usually a mother and a father, who have known the children literally from birth, are looking for the best match for marriage. The decision is based on taking the emotion out of the equation. It has nothing to do with a feeling or fleeting passion. It has to do with what is best for the children.
Oh I can hear it now; all the complaints and excuses, “But what about love?” “What about freedom”, “What about passion”, blah, blah, blah.
Am I advocating arranged marriages? No!....
Only for my two girls! I’m kidding! (kind of)
I only use this as an example to point out that LOVE is not a reason to get married.
Please do not misinterpret me on this point. Love is definitely an important part in a marriage. However, to get married because of love alone is foolish.
So what are the reasons two people should get married? Or if you are married what are the reasons you got and should stay married?
Both are great questions. And that is exactly what this book is all about. I hope that after you are finished with this book you will have a great many reasons why you should be, get and stay married.
If they don't get it, show 'em!
At a recent event, a young lady approached me in distress over a matter with her husband. She told me how unhappy she was with the lack of affection he showed her.
"He never kisses me "just because" any more and hardly even hold my hand in public. At night, he would prefer to sit in his chair as opposed to sitting with me on the couch. In bed, he never rolls over just to snuggle me. As a matter of fact, the only time we share any intimacy is when I have to initiate sex."
She continued to get more and more upset as she went on with her complaint for the next few minutes. After she had finished, I asked a question that definitely stunned her. The question was simply this.
"Have you shown him what you want from him or how to act?"
After her stunned look she responded with, "What do you mean by that."
My response was direct and simple, "Have you gone up to him in public and kissed him while telling him how cute or sexy he is? Do you grab his hand when walking through the mall and tell him how happy he makes you? At night, do you go over to him and sit on his lap with a big hug and kiss, thanking him for being such a hard worker and providing for your family? Do you roll over at night and snuggle him while whispering how much he means to you?"
Again, stunned, she was looking a little more perturbed at me when she complained, "Why should I have to do those things? He should just want to."
And therein lies the challenge. In this case it applies to the female in the relationship, but that is not necessarily the norm. For our purposes we will focus on the female side of things.
Women need to understand, not all men are built with the "romance" or "affection" gene. However, they are willing to be taught it.
Men, by nature, are not the cuddly or touchy-feely types. You ladies are. The challenge comes because during the dating portion of your relationship, any touch or sign of affection was looked upon by you as proof that he was this way. (Frankly, because of the state of euphoria you are in during that time period ANY sign of those affections were taken to a dramatic degree so they can rarely be relied upon as a sign of what he will be like in the future). What you need to understand is like fading paint on a house or an old photograph, because of life happening, that "sign" often fades away as well.
Remember, when you were dating and he held your hand in public, it was a sign of, "Stay away, she's with me" to all other males in the area. Every thing he did when it comes to affection, was because he was getting something he wanted in return, both mentally and physically.
After life has been happening for a while those reasons of getting the "rewards", i.e. hand holding, snuggling and other signs of affection, tend to be taken for granted and can often slowly erode.
Women, being the wonderfully enhanced creatures you are, never forget....anything....ever! So in your mind when those signs of affection wean away, it is taken as a personal response to you. It must mean something. And when it's not what you want it to "look like", you tend to go into despair, nag and complain mode.
So let me give you the same answer I gave to that young lady.
Like software on a computer, men need to be updated from time to time. The way to do this is not by telling or nagging, because now you are becoming a mother figure telling him what to do. Even worse that what he "thinks" he is doing in the form of affection is not good enough. You have to show him by example.
When you show him what you want by doing it yourself to him, and tell him how much you like it when he does that to you, (NO MATTER HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN SINCE HE HAS DONE THAT TO YOU) he now has upgraded "software" and has a better idea of what you want.
Here's what I mean:
If you want him to hold your hand more often, be the first to grab his and give him your "special smile" (you know the one) when you do. Then say something like, "I really love holding your hand. It fit's so perfectly in mine."
At night if he is sitting in his chair and you want him up on the couch with you, go over to him, sit on his lap and tell him it's more comfortable over on the couch with you, if he would care to join you. When he does so say something like, "I love sitting with you, it makes it easier to give you a kiss when you are closer to me."
It's very simple, show him the action you desire from him and then tell him why you like that thing. This gives him the new knowledge he requires and can jog memories of the past you both used to enjoy.
"He never kisses me "just because" any more and hardly even hold my hand in public. At night, he would prefer to sit in his chair as opposed to sitting with me on the couch. In bed, he never rolls over just to snuggle me. As a matter of fact, the only time we share any intimacy is when I have to initiate sex."
She continued to get more and more upset as she went on with her complaint for the next few minutes. After she had finished, I asked a question that definitely stunned her. The question was simply this.
"Have you shown him what you want from him or how to act?"
After her stunned look she responded with, "What do you mean by that."
My response was direct and simple, "Have you gone up to him in public and kissed him while telling him how cute or sexy he is? Do you grab his hand when walking through the mall and tell him how happy he makes you? At night, do you go over to him and sit on his lap with a big hug and kiss, thanking him for being such a hard worker and providing for your family? Do you roll over at night and snuggle him while whispering how much he means to you?"
Again, stunned, she was looking a little more perturbed at me when she complained, "Why should I have to do those things? He should just want to."
And therein lies the challenge. In this case it applies to the female in the relationship, but that is not necessarily the norm. For our purposes we will focus on the female side of things.
Women need to understand, not all men are built with the "romance" or "affection" gene. However, they are willing to be taught it.
Men, by nature, are not the cuddly or touchy-feely types. You ladies are. The challenge comes because during the dating portion of your relationship, any touch or sign of affection was looked upon by you as proof that he was this way. (Frankly, because of the state of euphoria you are in during that time period ANY sign of those affections were taken to a dramatic degree so they can rarely be relied upon as a sign of what he will be like in the future). What you need to understand is like fading paint on a house or an old photograph, because of life happening, that "sign" often fades away as well.
Remember, when you were dating and he held your hand in public, it was a sign of, "Stay away, she's with me" to all other males in the area. Every thing he did when it comes to affection, was because he was getting something he wanted in return, both mentally and physically.
After life has been happening for a while those reasons of getting the "rewards", i.e. hand holding, snuggling and other signs of affection, tend to be taken for granted and can often slowly erode.
Women, being the wonderfully enhanced creatures you are, never forget....anything....ever! So in your mind when those signs of affection wean away, it is taken as a personal response to you. It must mean something. And when it's not what you want it to "look like", you tend to go into despair, nag and complain mode.
So let me give you the same answer I gave to that young lady.
Like software on a computer, men need to be updated from time to time. The way to do this is not by telling or nagging, because now you are becoming a mother figure telling him what to do. Even worse that what he "thinks" he is doing in the form of affection is not good enough. You have to show him by example.
When you show him what you want by doing it yourself to him, and tell him how much you like it when he does that to you, (NO MATTER HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN SINCE HE HAS DONE THAT TO YOU) he now has upgraded "software" and has a better idea of what you want.
Here's what I mean:
If you want him to hold your hand more often, be the first to grab his and give him your "special smile" (you know the one) when you do. Then say something like, "I really love holding your hand. It fit's so perfectly in mine."
At night if he is sitting in his chair and you want him up on the couch with you, go over to him, sit on his lap and tell him it's more comfortable over on the couch with you, if he would care to join you. When he does so say something like, "I love sitting with you, it makes it easier to give you a kiss when you are closer to me."
It's very simple, show him the action you desire from him and then tell him why you like that thing. This gives him the new knowledge he requires and can jog memories of the past you both used to enjoy.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Forward thinking
Successful companies are always forward thinking. They are consistently looking at their goals and finding out the smartest and fastest ways to make them happen by working on it today. They don’t let the hope of the future stop them from working on the business today. Likewise they don’t sit around focusing on failures of yesterday. Think of Donald Trump, at one point he was billions of dollars in debt, had bad business deals left and right and virtually lost all of his daddy’s money. He could have chosen to sit around and play the poor me game. Instead he turned it around, working one day at a time, focusing on what he could do today to change things and look at him now.
Successful companies know, the more they focus on today, the faster they will get to tomorrow.
Sometimes, in marriage, we tend to either look at what he or she didn’t do or what we are afraid they will do and that thought process only stops us from living in the now.
People who spend their time focusing on the past are always more depressed.
Likewise those who only focus on the future of what could be, live in a state of anxiety. The only way to truly live and exist in your marriage is to live in the today.
There is nothing you can do about either the past or the future. Changing the past is as impossible as controlling the future.
If one spouse is stuck in the past while the other wants to move on with their life it can cause strain and ultimately the destruction of the marriage.
I've talked about her before, and she is definitely worth mentioning again. Marci Shimoff has an amazing book called, Happy for NO Reason, 7 Steps for being happy from the inside out. It is well worth the read. The book helps you focus on the four pillars of happiness, your mind, heart, body and soul and how to build your happiness home. Here is a link to her web site so you can pick up a hard copy or a book on tape. Even if you are someone who is generally happy, this book will inspire you to spread that happy lifestyle to everyone around you.
ACTION PLAN
Start today. Give up what has happened and focus on what is happening. Start with a journal or a blog or anything where you can focus on today.
Sure, feel free and look forward to things in the future like vacations or birthdays and its fine to fondly remember things from your past or remember what has happened so you don’t make that mistake again. It’s when we start to dwell on the negatives or get stressed about the future where you get into trouble and move into inaction.
The more you focus on what they did or didn’t do the more energy you give it. If it's an issue with a spouse, your job and responsibility is to express you’re your feelings with your spouse and then move on. It’s like Dr. Laura say’s, "Stop whining and start living".
Successful companies know, the more they focus on today, the faster they will get to tomorrow.
Sometimes, in marriage, we tend to either look at what he or she didn’t do or what we are afraid they will do and that thought process only stops us from living in the now.
People who spend their time focusing on the past are always more depressed.
Likewise those who only focus on the future of what could be, live in a state of anxiety. The only way to truly live and exist in your marriage is to live in the today.
There is nothing you can do about either the past or the future. Changing the past is as impossible as controlling the future.
If one spouse is stuck in the past while the other wants to move on with their life it can cause strain and ultimately the destruction of the marriage.
I've talked about her before, and she is definitely worth mentioning again. Marci Shimoff has an amazing book called, Happy for NO Reason, 7 Steps for being happy from the inside out. It is well worth the read. The book helps you focus on the four pillars of happiness, your mind, heart, body and soul and how to build your happiness home. Here is a link to her web site so you can pick up a hard copy or a book on tape. Even if you are someone who is generally happy, this book will inspire you to spread that happy lifestyle to everyone around you.
ACTION PLAN
Start today. Give up what has happened and focus on what is happening. Start with a journal or a blog or anything where you can focus on today.
Sure, feel free and look forward to things in the future like vacations or birthdays and its fine to fondly remember things from your past or remember what has happened so you don’t make that mistake again. It’s when we start to dwell on the negatives or get stressed about the future where you get into trouble and move into inaction.
The more you focus on what they did or didn’t do the more energy you give it. If it's an issue with a spouse, your job and responsibility is to express you’re your feelings with your spouse and then move on. It’s like Dr. Laura say’s, "Stop whining and start living".
Monday, January 26, 2009
Why is sex core to a relationship?
A key part of the relationship CORE is definitely sex.
When your sex live is intact and working at it’s best, everything will be stronger. The importance on this area is not to be discounted or overlooked. When the intimacy in your relationship is working at it’s best everything in your life will be better. Your relationships with your children, co-workers, and friends will be more meaningful. Let me quote from an email I received recently about getting into a rut when it comes to sex in marriage.
“If the amount of sex you’re used to having starts to slide, your body and brain can get used to the decreased intimacy, causing you to go even longer without wanting that closeness.”
You can see where this is detrimental for both sexes.
Women, if you want him to be more open sharing and caring to you, have more sex. Don’t wait till you are in the mood. Get in the mood. Act as if you are in the mood. I know you are tired! I know you’ve had to deal with ______ all day. Approach him for sex. Do not hold back such an important part of your relationship from him. Yes, I say this as a man and a husband. It’s that important. It is unwise and foolish to believe he will stay committed to you just because of a vow if you hold out on him. That is never an excuse for a man to cheat or turn to pornography. It is, however, very possibly a reason.
Men- Give her a reason to want to come on to you. Bring the flowers home, for no reason other than you want to. Give her a night out on her own or with the friends. Make or bring home dinner AND clean up afterwards. Draw her nice bath. One of the biggest lessons I learned is that foreplay starts in the kitchen. The more time she doesn’t have to clean up after you and the kids, the more time and energy she has for you.
Let’s go to the clinical side of things for a moment. More and more scientific studies come out every year on the importance of a healthy sex life. Over the years studies have shown these emotional and physical benefits, to name just a few.
PHYSICAL HEALTH
Lower mortality rates. Reduces risk of prostate cancer. Actually improves posture and firms tummy and buttocks areas. Reduced risk of heart disease. Improves fitness level. Has a therapeutic effect on immune system. Better bladder control. Improved sense of smell. Relieves menstrual cramps. Helps people sleep better. Improves digestion. Lowers the level of cholesterol. Healthier teeth. Less-frequent colds and flu. Burns about 200 calories during 30 minutes of active sex.
MENTAL HEALTH
Makes a person feel younger, offers pain-relief. Gives you a positive attitude on life. Makes a person more calm. Lowers feelings of insecurity. Boosts self esteem. Makes a person less irritable. Reduced depression. Helps folks remember more. Produces chemicals in the brain to stimulate the growth of new dendrites. Increases level of commitment. Keeps spouses connected emotionally.
I often use the analogy of a hungry child. If a child came to you and said, “I’m hungry.” Would you just put him off by saying, “I’m not in the mood to feed you right now.” Of course not, you make them a sandwich out of their need to be fed not because you felt like it or you were in the mood to do so.
I hope you noticed that I did not put a gender to my analogy. I did this because, even though the majority of not enough sex comes from the husband towards the wife, I have encountered a fair amount of women who have the complaint towards their husbands.
However, in one of my recent events I had a woman get upset at me and accuse me of using an analogy that didn’t fit because if you do not feed a child they will die and that is not the case with sex. My response at the time was adequate to calm her and see the point. However a few days later I received a letter from one of the other men in attendance.
Here was his response to her reply:
You said if your child came to you and said they were hungry would you not feed them. The woman in the audience stated that it was not that same thing. That you won't die without sex every day. Here were my thoughts. First, a child will not die without food every day either. The body is very capable of going for days to weeks without food. Even a small child can go for days without eating. However, even though they are capable and their bodies (and minds) will not suffer at first, eventually it is going to become painful for them to go through this experience. The reason you feed them is so that they don't experience pain, it isn't purely to keep them alive. The same thing can be said for sex. Eventually, when that person goes for too long without it, they are going to experience emotional pain. Although one may be physical and the other emotional, pain is pain, and I don't want anyone I love to experience either. Also, just like the unfed child will eventually die without being fed, the "unfed" husband, or wife for that matter, will eventually die emotionally. To me it is very much the same idea and I think you did a great job relating that.
The other thing that you said was what if you asked your husband to make you a sandwich and he did it moaning and groaning or said not right now? My thought with that was, if he made you the sandwich, but did so begrudgingly, how much would you even enjoy eating the sandwich? Would the sandwich taste the same if it wasn't made with love and honor? Would you even want the sandwich at all anymore if that was the feeling that was put into making it? I just think it is such a good analogy that can be played with in so many ways as to help people understand.
Well said.
When your sex live is intact and working at it’s best, everything will be stronger. The importance on this area is not to be discounted or overlooked. When the intimacy in your relationship is working at it’s best everything in your life will be better. Your relationships with your children, co-workers, and friends will be more meaningful. Let me quote from an email I received recently about getting into a rut when it comes to sex in marriage.
“If the amount of sex you’re used to having starts to slide, your body and brain can get used to the decreased intimacy, causing you to go even longer without wanting that closeness.”
You can see where this is detrimental for both sexes.
Women, if you want him to be more open sharing and caring to you, have more sex. Don’t wait till you are in the mood. Get in the mood. Act as if you are in the mood. I know you are tired! I know you’ve had to deal with ______ all day. Approach him for sex. Do not hold back such an important part of your relationship from him. Yes, I say this as a man and a husband. It’s that important. It is unwise and foolish to believe he will stay committed to you just because of a vow if you hold out on him. That is never an excuse for a man to cheat or turn to pornography. It is, however, very possibly a reason.
Men- Give her a reason to want to come on to you. Bring the flowers home, for no reason other than you want to. Give her a night out on her own or with the friends. Make or bring home dinner AND clean up afterwards. Draw her nice bath. One of the biggest lessons I learned is that foreplay starts in the kitchen. The more time she doesn’t have to clean up after you and the kids, the more time and energy she has for you.
Let’s go to the clinical side of things for a moment. More and more scientific studies come out every year on the importance of a healthy sex life. Over the years studies have shown these emotional and physical benefits, to name just a few.
PHYSICAL HEALTH
Lower mortality rates. Reduces risk of prostate cancer. Actually improves posture and firms tummy and buttocks areas. Reduced risk of heart disease. Improves fitness level. Has a therapeutic effect on immune system. Better bladder control. Improved sense of smell. Relieves menstrual cramps. Helps people sleep better. Improves digestion. Lowers the level of cholesterol. Healthier teeth. Less-frequent colds and flu. Burns about 200 calories during 30 minutes of active sex.
MENTAL HEALTH
Makes a person feel younger, offers pain-relief. Gives you a positive attitude on life. Makes a person more calm. Lowers feelings of insecurity. Boosts self esteem. Makes a person less irritable. Reduced depression. Helps folks remember more. Produces chemicals in the brain to stimulate the growth of new dendrites. Increases level of commitment. Keeps spouses connected emotionally.
I often use the analogy of a hungry child. If a child came to you and said, “I’m hungry.” Would you just put him off by saying, “I’m not in the mood to feed you right now.” Of course not, you make them a sandwich out of their need to be fed not because you felt like it or you were in the mood to do so.
I hope you noticed that I did not put a gender to my analogy. I did this because, even though the majority of not enough sex comes from the husband towards the wife, I have encountered a fair amount of women who have the complaint towards their husbands.
However, in one of my recent events I had a woman get upset at me and accuse me of using an analogy that didn’t fit because if you do not feed a child they will die and that is not the case with sex. My response at the time was adequate to calm her and see the point. However a few days later I received a letter from one of the other men in attendance.
Here was his response to her reply:
You said if your child came to you and said they were hungry would you not feed them. The woman in the audience stated that it was not that same thing. That you won't die without sex every day. Here were my thoughts. First, a child will not die without food every day either. The body is very capable of going for days to weeks without food. Even a small child can go for days without eating. However, even though they are capable and their bodies (and minds) will not suffer at first, eventually it is going to become painful for them to go through this experience. The reason you feed them is so that they don't experience pain, it isn't purely to keep them alive. The same thing can be said for sex. Eventually, when that person goes for too long without it, they are going to experience emotional pain. Although one may be physical and the other emotional, pain is pain, and I don't want anyone I love to experience either. Also, just like the unfed child will eventually die without being fed, the "unfed" husband, or wife for that matter, will eventually die emotionally. To me it is very much the same idea and I think you did a great job relating that.
The other thing that you said was what if you asked your husband to make you a sandwich and he did it moaning and groaning or said not right now? My thought with that was, if he made you the sandwich, but did so begrudgingly, how much would you even enjoy eating the sandwich? Would the sandwich taste the same if it wasn't made with love and honor? Would you even want the sandwich at all anymore if that was the feeling that was put into making it? I just think it is such a good analogy that can be played with in so many ways as to help people understand.
Well said.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
PDA
Public Displays of Affection are essential to building the feeling of connectedness. To often couples have not problem doing this at the beginning of their relationship, but once the catch is caught and a few years get under the belt, the PDA's tend to get fewer and farther between. Men seem to be the biggest culprits of this lack, however women have been known to slow the back stroking and hand holding as well.
A great example of PDA has been plastered all over the news as of late. Michelle and President Obama have been great examples of this. Whether or not you like his politics, doesn't matter, it's about the example he and the First Lady are showing to the world. The thing I have to admire about them is, although all Presidential couples put on a smile and hold hands for the press, theirs seams very genuine. Cynics could say it's because of their excitement of this historical moment. I don't believe that to be the case. They look truly in love, and just as importantly, proud of each other.
I am very impressed with the example they are to not just other countries, but to young people as to how two people should look and act around each other. Showing young men it's okay to put your arm around your wife and hold her hand in public while also being an example to young woman what they should expect from a man. Showing them it is not a sign of weakness to have a door held open for them, but a sign of respect.
Public displays of affection are necessary for any growing relationship.
My wife is a massage therapist so we have long believed in the power of touch. As a matter of fact one of our goals is to start a non-profit where we go around the world and hold abandoned babies in third world orphanages. Some infants never feel the power of touch as newborns and spend the majority of their infant life in cribs. Giving those who have never felt it the power of security, safety and love at such an early stage.
According to About.coms relationship experts Sheri & Bob Stritof,
Nonsexual touch and other signs of affection strengthens your marriage relationship, creates a comforting and calming atmosphere in your home, builds trust between the two of you, and deepens your intimacy with one another.
Here are some examples of how you can show PDA to your spouse.
• Holding hands both privately and in public.
• Nonsexual massage of neck, shoulders, back.
• Hugs.
• Sitting close to one another both privately and in public.
• Kisses, especially unexpected kisses.
• Holding one another.
• Cuddling, snuggling.
• Walking arm in arm.
• Stroking.
• Reaching across the table to touch hands.
• Simple caring and tender gestures such as resting your hand on your spouse's leg.
• Putting your hand on your spouse's shoulder.
• Gentle caresses.
Go out and show some PDA today!
A great example of PDA has been plastered all over the news as of late. Michelle and President Obama have been great examples of this. Whether or not you like his politics, doesn't matter, it's about the example he and the First Lady are showing to the world. The thing I have to admire about them is, although all Presidential couples put on a smile and hold hands for the press, theirs seams very genuine. Cynics could say it's because of their excitement of this historical moment. I don't believe that to be the case. They look truly in love, and just as importantly, proud of each other.
I am very impressed with the example they are to not just other countries, but to young people as to how two people should look and act around each other. Showing young men it's okay to put your arm around your wife and hold her hand in public while also being an example to young woman what they should expect from a man. Showing them it is not a sign of weakness to have a door held open for them, but a sign of respect.
Public displays of affection are necessary for any growing relationship.
My wife is a massage therapist so we have long believed in the power of touch. As a matter of fact one of our goals is to start a non-profit where we go around the world and hold abandoned babies in third world orphanages. Some infants never feel the power of touch as newborns and spend the majority of their infant life in cribs. Giving those who have never felt it the power of security, safety and love at such an early stage.
According to About.coms relationship experts Sheri & Bob Stritof,
Nonsexual touch and other signs of affection strengthens your marriage relationship, creates a comforting and calming atmosphere in your home, builds trust between the two of you, and deepens your intimacy with one another.
Here are some examples of how you can show PDA to your spouse.
• Holding hands both privately and in public.
• Nonsexual massage of neck, shoulders, back.
• Hugs.
• Sitting close to one another both privately and in public.
• Kisses, especially unexpected kisses.
• Holding one another.
• Cuddling, snuggling.
• Walking arm in arm.
• Stroking.
• Reaching across the table to touch hands.
• Simple caring and tender gestures such as resting your hand on your spouse's leg.
• Putting your hand on your spouse's shoulder.
• Gentle caresses.
Go out and show some PDA today!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Yep, you might have to tell me more than once.
After my post yesterday I thought I would post this great video from a man I really admire. Mark Gungor is a great speaker. His company, "Laugh your way to a Better Marriage" is one I intend to participate in and speak with soon. For those of you who have been to my events, I hope you will agree our sense of humor, as well as our desire to improve the quality and importance of marriages in this country are very similar.
Enjoy.
Enjoy.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
"SUPER" and "WONDER"
In most marriage and relationship advice blogs, when it comes to what men want, the writer usually says something like, “Ladies you need to understand to make a man happy he only needs one of two things. So if he isn’t horny, make him a sandwich.”
To an extent that might be true. However, men are even a lot easier to understand than that. A real man only wants to be one thing to his wife and only asks for one thing in return. This one thing is why wars have been fought over women. This one thing will make us turn off the television, not just mute it, when you talk to us. This one thing is so valuable to a man he will just about kill, either himself or someone else, for it.
Are you listening ladies? I mean it. Listen close. Lean into the page a little more. This is all you need to know for the REST OF YOUR LIFE and you will have the man of your dreams.
Turn the page and find out.
All we ever want to be is your ……… “SUPER”MAN!
If we know we are your “Super”man, your hero, your knight in shining armor, we will do whatever you ask. We will wear the Christmas sweater to the office party. We will browse Pottery Barn magazines with you. We will put up that extra wreath on the highest gable of the roof. We will put up all the picture frames you want. We will sleep in a bedroom that’s painted lavender with overly ruffled comforters. We will plant gardens, visit home decorating shows, wear matching clothes in a family photo, get up in the middle of the night to get you water or when you hear something, even though we know it was the wind. We will be glad to miss the play-offs because your mother is coming over. We will even talk to her when she does. If you are really good at making us know we are your “SUPER”MAN we will even help you when you scrapbook! We will literally do anything and everything you ask us to do as long as we know this one simple thing.
You are now saying to yourself, “It can’t be that easy.” It is. But here’s the hard part for you. This is where you have all the power and yet you sometimes fail to recognize it. Why do you fail? I will tell you in a moment. For now, I want you to know how easy it is for you to let us know that we are your “SUPER” MAN.
All you have to do is one little thing. This one thing will assure our place in “SUPER”MAN-DOM and all I mentioned before will be yours.
The only thing you have to do is become………”WONDER”WOMAN!
How do you become this mythical goddess, you ask?
The key is simple and highly affective. Everything, and I do mean everything, your man does for you, needs to be looked upon and commented upon in a sense of wonderment. In other words, praise. Praise in everything we do. Do not discount the power you have her and the secret I am telling you. A simple praise of wonderment can last in a man’s mindset for a long time. However, the more he gets the more he wants it. Especially from the woman he gets to see naked! That’s all we need. Knowing that the woman we chose thinks we are their Knight in Shining armor, their Brad Pitt, their SUPERMAN is all we need to know and we will be at your every command.
Here is a simple example of how your “Wonder”woman reaction will make us feel like “Super”man.
Your mild mannered husband is in the dark and dangerous hallway, balancing on a treacherous footstool, gallantly risking electrocution while changing out a light bulb. The same light bulb that has been burned out for the last week.
Seeing this you have a few options available to you.
Do you...
A. Notice to yourself and turn back to what you were doing beforehand?
B. Accost him verbally by exclaiming, “It’s about time you got to doing that. I asked you to do it a week ago.”
C. Take this opportunity to give him a list of other things that need to be done in the home.
D. Complain about how he is changing the light bulb, or better yet, bring up how your dad used to do it a certain way.
E. Thank him for changing the light bulb by placing your hand on his calf while saying, “Wow. Thanks for doing that for me. I so appreciate having someone in the house tall enough to get to that.” Followed by a soft kiss after he gets down.
If you answered or recognized yourself in any of the choices other than E, you have discovered the answer to the question I posed earlier. How you sometimes fail to recognize your power. When we are doing anything and you discount, demean or fail to even recognize it verbally, you are not using your power to it full strength.
Now comes the tricky part. Are you already thinking in your head, something like, “He already knows that” or “Really, that’s going to solve our challenges?”
Yes! Yes it is. The more wonder woman you are in everything we do. The more “Super”man we feel and do exactly what you need us to do. Whether it’s changing the light bulb or saving the day, the more we feel appreciated, the more we will do.
You will know when your task is accomplished by noticing his posture. If you have succeeded, he will tend to stand up straighter, pull his shoulders back, place his feet shoulder width apart and sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, he will place both his hands on his hips with his fists closed. Looking oddly familiar to a certain Man of Steel. This posture will become more and more permanent, depending on the frequency he hears these bits of wonderment.
Not surprisingly, the more you take this information to heart, and practice it, you yourself might find your posture looking very much the same as a certain Amazonian Princes. You will do so because of the pride you feel in the man you love.
I want you to remember back to a time when you were first dating each other. Most likely you were one hot “Wonder”woman. How do I know that? He asked you to marry him. That’s all the proof you need. Everything he did was cute, funny, sexy, charming, brave or inspiring. And you reacted accordingly. The more you were in wonder of him and he felt like “Super”man the more he wanted to do for you.
The principle does not change. Only the circumstances and the responses do.
Here’s what I am not saying. I am not saying to be patronizing, fake or insincere. He will read that on you and it will only cause him to feel more like “Under”dog as opposed to the Superman he needs to feel like. Are you not amazed that he works so hard for you and your family? Do you not love it when he hangs those shelves for you? Doesn’t it make your heart swell when he takes a moment to focus on what you need? Then the more you wonder on what he is doing, the more of those feelings towards him you will get.
Be his “Wonder”woman and he will be your “Super”man for the rest of your life.
To an extent that might be true. However, men are even a lot easier to understand than that. A real man only wants to be one thing to his wife and only asks for one thing in return. This one thing is why wars have been fought over women. This one thing will make us turn off the television, not just mute it, when you talk to us. This one thing is so valuable to a man he will just about kill, either himself or someone else, for it.
Are you listening ladies? I mean it. Listen close. Lean into the page a little more. This is all you need to know for the REST OF YOUR LIFE and you will have the man of your dreams.
Turn the page and find out.
All we ever want to be is your ……… “SUPER”MAN!
If we know we are your “Super”man, your hero, your knight in shining armor, we will do whatever you ask. We will wear the Christmas sweater to the office party. We will browse Pottery Barn magazines with you. We will put up that extra wreath on the highest gable of the roof. We will put up all the picture frames you want. We will sleep in a bedroom that’s painted lavender with overly ruffled comforters. We will plant gardens, visit home decorating shows, wear matching clothes in a family photo, get up in the middle of the night to get you water or when you hear something, even though we know it was the wind. We will be glad to miss the play-offs because your mother is coming over. We will even talk to her when she does. If you are really good at making us know we are your “SUPER”MAN we will even help you when you scrapbook! We will literally do anything and everything you ask us to do as long as we know this one simple thing.
You are now saying to yourself, “It can’t be that easy.” It is. But here’s the hard part for you. This is where you have all the power and yet you sometimes fail to recognize it. Why do you fail? I will tell you in a moment. For now, I want you to know how easy it is for you to let us know that we are your “SUPER” MAN.
All you have to do is one little thing. This one thing will assure our place in “SUPER”MAN-DOM and all I mentioned before will be yours.
The only thing you have to do is become………”WONDER”WOMAN!
How do you become this mythical goddess, you ask?
The key is simple and highly affective. Everything, and I do mean everything, your man does for you, needs to be looked upon and commented upon in a sense of wonderment. In other words, praise. Praise in everything we do. Do not discount the power you have her and the secret I am telling you. A simple praise of wonderment can last in a man’s mindset for a long time. However, the more he gets the more he wants it. Especially from the woman he gets to see naked! That’s all we need. Knowing that the woman we chose thinks we are their Knight in Shining armor, their Brad Pitt, their SUPERMAN is all we need to know and we will be at your every command.
Here is a simple example of how your “Wonder”woman reaction will make us feel like “Super”man.
Your mild mannered husband is in the dark and dangerous hallway, balancing on a treacherous footstool, gallantly risking electrocution while changing out a light bulb. The same light bulb that has been burned out for the last week.
Seeing this you have a few options available to you.
Do you...
A. Notice to yourself and turn back to what you were doing beforehand?
B. Accost him verbally by exclaiming, “It’s about time you got to doing that. I asked you to do it a week ago.”
C. Take this opportunity to give him a list of other things that need to be done in the home.
D. Complain about how he is changing the light bulb, or better yet, bring up how your dad used to do it a certain way.
E. Thank him for changing the light bulb by placing your hand on his calf while saying, “Wow. Thanks for doing that for me. I so appreciate having someone in the house tall enough to get to that.” Followed by a soft kiss after he gets down.
If you answered or recognized yourself in any of the choices other than E, you have discovered the answer to the question I posed earlier. How you sometimes fail to recognize your power. When we are doing anything and you discount, demean or fail to even recognize it verbally, you are not using your power to it full strength.
Now comes the tricky part. Are you already thinking in your head, something like, “He already knows that” or “Really, that’s going to solve our challenges?”
Yes! Yes it is. The more wonder woman you are in everything we do. The more “Super”man we feel and do exactly what you need us to do. Whether it’s changing the light bulb or saving the day, the more we feel appreciated, the more we will do.
You will know when your task is accomplished by noticing his posture. If you have succeeded, he will tend to stand up straighter, pull his shoulders back, place his feet shoulder width apart and sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, he will place both his hands on his hips with his fists closed. Looking oddly familiar to a certain Man of Steel. This posture will become more and more permanent, depending on the frequency he hears these bits of wonderment.
Not surprisingly, the more you take this information to heart, and practice it, you yourself might find your posture looking very much the same as a certain Amazonian Princes. You will do so because of the pride you feel in the man you love.
I want you to remember back to a time when you were first dating each other. Most likely you were one hot “Wonder”woman. How do I know that? He asked you to marry him. That’s all the proof you need. Everything he did was cute, funny, sexy, charming, brave or inspiring. And you reacted accordingly. The more you were in wonder of him and he felt like “Super”man the more he wanted to do for you.
The principle does not change. Only the circumstances and the responses do.
Here’s what I am not saying. I am not saying to be patronizing, fake or insincere. He will read that on you and it will only cause him to feel more like “Under”dog as opposed to the Superman he needs to feel like. Are you not amazed that he works so hard for you and your family? Do you not love it when he hangs those shelves for you? Doesn’t it make your heart swell when he takes a moment to focus on what you need? Then the more you wonder on what he is doing, the more of those feelings towards him you will get.
Be his “Wonder”woman and he will be your “Super”man for the rest of your life.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Happy MLK Day.
Not much today. Spending it with my family.
This is really a great holiday and we all should be grateful and thankful to Dr. King.
Tomorrow is also a great day as an American. I am not a democrat or an Obama fan. I also believe if Colin Powell would have run for President 8 years ago, he would have been the first African- American President. However, The fact that we are the only major country in the world to elect a minority, who only a few short years ago was not even allowed to vote, say's a whole lot about this wonderful country of ours. This is the greatest country in the world, where ANYONE can get, do and be whatever they want.
God Bless America!
This is really a great holiday and we all should be grateful and thankful to Dr. King.
Tomorrow is also a great day as an American. I am not a democrat or an Obama fan. I also believe if Colin Powell would have run for President 8 years ago, he would have been the first African- American President. However, The fact that we are the only major country in the world to elect a minority, who only a few short years ago was not even allowed to vote, say's a whole lot about this wonderful country of ours. This is the greatest country in the world, where ANYONE can get, do and be whatever they want.
God Bless America!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Rules for arguing!
As we established, arguing is an important part of your relationship. I should probably mention that doing so in front of your young children, not the best idea. However, as your young children get older, it's good for them to know that mom and dad have feelings as well and sometimes we even get angry with each other. If you are going to let them know that, you also need to show them how you end the argument as well. Our kids have seen or over heard us in an argument and later we have sat them down to tell them we had resolved the issue and we made up. Why do this? It teaches them a few things.
#1 Just like they get frustrated with their siblings or friends, mom and dad sometimes get frustrated at each other. In other words, we're human too.
#2 Children need to see a healthy (for lack of a better word) way to resolve upset feelings.
#3 They need to see an example of the humility and charity that comes along with ending the argument.
#4 Lastly, they need to see examples of how to stand up for a point of view. This way they feel it is okay to say how they feel instead of holding it all inside.
So how do you argue?
We already established need to argue. Some studies have show couples who fight have a stronger marriage.
#1- Make it a Fair Fight
The goal here is to grow together not winning at any cost. If one spouse wins...both lose.
No Name Calling
Especially derogatory names such as "stupid", "idiot" or "looser". As discussed in a previous entry, name calling is only degrades the relationship and the one doing the calling. No calling family members or good friends names either. The argument is between the two of you. It might be about someone else, but they are not involved and should not be used as a reason.
Do Not Involve Other People
Sometime people want to get a third party involved, like a family member or friend. The challenge here is when the argument is over. You and your spouse might have moved on, but the outside party is now stuck with the knowledge and could have a one sided opinion of one of you. If the issue is not able to be resolved between the two of you, get a professional or even a religious leader who can help. Keep family out of it!
The Past is the Past
Don't bring in old trash, it only tends to stink up the place. If you have already resolved and issue, you can not bring it up as a weapon in the present.The past is the past and if you can not get past the past, you have no right to throw it in your spouses face. That is a you "challenge" not a "them" challenge.
Stay focused on the Subject
Don't make it an all out brawl where you bring up ten different topics just so you can overwhelm the other person. Make your point clear and specific.
Don't Go to Bed Angry
I believe it is better to finish what has been started when it comes to arguments. Unresolved anger can destroy intimacy.
That being said, don't force the issue. If one is to frustrated and wants needs to get away from the issue, don't make it worse by forcing the argument to continue. Let it go for now if you both can agree to discuss it later.
Maintain a Sense of Humor
In order to do this, the comic Bill Evengal jokes about how his buddy told him to try arguing naked. That way the argument is guaranteed to be short, because how can two people seriously argue for any length of time when they are naked while doing so. The point is to remember that if you keep your sense of humor, not laughing at the other person or making fun of their point of view, it's always good to be able to laugh at yourself. BTW- Ladies, I can almost guarantee, if you decided to argue naked with your husband, you would almost always win the argument and they would not last very long.
Look in Each Others Eyes/ Don't roll them
According to a study by Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington, couples who's body language included even simple things such as eye rolling, deflective posture as in arms crossed, and non eye contact is a strong indicator of future divorce.
Stop what you are doing and look at your spouse when arguing.
Follow those rules and your arguments will be productive and positive experiances.
#1 Just like they get frustrated with their siblings or friends, mom and dad sometimes get frustrated at each other. In other words, we're human too.
#2 Children need to see a healthy (for lack of a better word) way to resolve upset feelings.
#3 They need to see an example of the humility and charity that comes along with ending the argument.
#4 Lastly, they need to see examples of how to stand up for a point of view. This way they feel it is okay to say how they feel instead of holding it all inside.
So how do you argue?
We already established need to argue. Some studies have show couples who fight have a stronger marriage.
#1- Make it a Fair Fight
The goal here is to grow together not winning at any cost. If one spouse wins...both lose.
No Name Calling
Especially derogatory names such as "stupid", "idiot" or "looser". As discussed in a previous entry, name calling is only degrades the relationship and the one doing the calling. No calling family members or good friends names either. The argument is between the two of you. It might be about someone else, but they are not involved and should not be used as a reason.
Do Not Involve Other People
Sometime people want to get a third party involved, like a family member or friend. The challenge here is when the argument is over. You and your spouse might have moved on, but the outside party is now stuck with the knowledge and could have a one sided opinion of one of you. If the issue is not able to be resolved between the two of you, get a professional or even a religious leader who can help. Keep family out of it!
The Past is the Past
Don't bring in old trash, it only tends to stink up the place. If you have already resolved and issue, you can not bring it up as a weapon in the present.The past is the past and if you can not get past the past, you have no right to throw it in your spouses face. That is a you "challenge" not a "them" challenge.
Stay focused on the Subject
Don't make it an all out brawl where you bring up ten different topics just so you can overwhelm the other person. Make your point clear and specific.
Don't Go to Bed Angry
I believe it is better to finish what has been started when it comes to arguments. Unresolved anger can destroy intimacy.
That being said, don't force the issue. If one is to frustrated and wants needs to get away from the issue, don't make it worse by forcing the argument to continue. Let it go for now if you both can agree to discuss it later.
Maintain a Sense of Humor
In order to do this, the comic Bill Evengal jokes about how his buddy told him to try arguing naked. That way the argument is guaranteed to be short, because how can two people seriously argue for any length of time when they are naked while doing so. The point is to remember that if you keep your sense of humor, not laughing at the other person or making fun of their point of view, it's always good to be able to laugh at yourself. BTW- Ladies, I can almost guarantee, if you decided to argue naked with your husband, you would almost always win the argument and they would not last very long.
Look in Each Others Eyes/ Don't roll them
According to a study by Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington, couples who's body language included even simple things such as eye rolling, deflective posture as in arms crossed, and non eye contact is a strong indicator of future divorce.
Stop what you are doing and look at your spouse when arguing.
Follow those rules and your arguments will be productive and positive experiances.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Arguments are good for you!
Have you ever heard someone say, when it came to their relationship, they "never argue"? Whenever I hear anyone say that I automatically think one of two things. "Bull poop!" or "What's wrong with you?"
Arguments are important in a relationship. It gives the two of you a chance to grow in your relationship, not feel like one is dominating over the other, it stimulates a sense of respect for each other, it gives a chance to learn humility and charity and most importantly, it gives you a chance to make up with each other.
Of course, I am not suggesting you get in to or stay in a hostile relationship. Nor am I condoning fighting, physical or mental abuse, or any type of forced submissiveness is good for you. If you are in a relationship where this is the case, get out! I hope that is clear enough.
The point here is, there are going to be disagreements in a relationship and those disagreements, if done right, can and will be great for your relationship.
So let's pick apart the reasons why I mentioned above.
1. It gives you a chance to grow.
When we get to hear another point of view we always have two choices. Ignore it and pay no attention to it or take it in and learn. In essence, whenever we learn we grow.
T. Harv Eker. Author of the book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, often uses the phrase, "If you are not growing, you are dying." Just like a plant. Either the plant is growing or it is dying. Staying in a static state is impossible.
When you argue you have the choice to ignore the other person and what they are asking for or you can grow by listening, even if it isn't exactly what you want to hear, and figure out how you can give them what it is they want.
2. Not Feel Dominated
In a relationship it is good to express yourself and your opinion, at the right place and the right time, so you feel like you are a contributing part of the relationship. If you always hold your tongue, or never give your opinion, you will end up feeling as if you don't really matter. It is a quick way to a depressing lifestyle. When you express your opinion, it also allows for the nest point...
3. It stimulates a sense of respect for your spouse.
As a husband, I want to know my wife has an opinion. It makes me have respect for the person I am along this journey with. Hearing her opinion lets me know I have married a strong, intelligent and often passionate woman who will in turn, teach that to my girls and my son will look for that in a woman. Any man who does not want his wife to express her opinion and to only keep quiet is a not what I call a man. He is a male person who is only interested in dominating and controlling, full of pride.
As a Christian man, we believe there is an order of things in a marriage. That the man is the head of the household. Sometimes this gives the man a sense of unrighteous dominance over their wife. This is not of God. The wife is a helper to the husband.
"The Lord intended that the wife be a helpmeet for man (meet means equal)—that is, a companion equal and necessary in full partnership. Presiding in righteousness necessitates a shared responsibility between husband and wife; together you act with knowledge and participation in all family matters. For a man to operate independent of or without regard to the feelings and counsel of his wife in governing the family is to exercise unrighteous dominion."- Howard W. Hunter
When you hear each others' opinions, it should give you more respect for them because they actually have one. having their own opinion or a dissenting one from yours does not take anything away form you. You might not agree with it, and yet because they have one, you should appreciate it.
4. It gives you a chance to show humility and charity to each other.
There is an old saying, attributed to a sergeant major in Vietnam that goes, "Is this the hill you want to die on?" It goes along with another saying, "Choose your battles wisely."
In a marriage, this is great counsel.
In an argument, you get the chance to choose when and how you are going to relent your point of view.
I remember hearing a long time ago, by whom I don't remember, that all argument is selfish. It's just a matter of one or both of you being selfish. Arguing correctly gives you an opportunity to be humble and at a certain point say, "I'm sorry" or "Your right". When you do this you humble yourself to a greater good...the peace in your marriage and home. EVEN IF YOU ARE RIGHT, (and I know you are), it is better to choose the right hill, than it is to "die" alone being "right".
5. You get to make up!
Obviously the best part of arguing! There are so many ways you get to make up as well. From a simple "I'm sorry", which gives you a sense of relief and humility and them a feeling of gratitude. All the way to my favorite way, yep you guessed it, dinner and a movie.......no! Of course it's sex. Yep I'm a man, and if you believe in astrology, I'm also a Scorpio (look it up) so what's your point? If you read any of my other blogs on the subject you will also know there are many other benefits to this form of making up as well.
"Make up sex" is a great form of getting back to each other in an intimate way. Both of you giving of yourselves both physically and emotionally. Done right, it is also a great way to show charity towards each other.
Now that we know the 5 reasons it is good to have an argument, tomorrow we will talk about the rules of arguing.
Arguments are important in a relationship. It gives the two of you a chance to grow in your relationship, not feel like one is dominating over the other, it stimulates a sense of respect for each other, it gives a chance to learn humility and charity and most importantly, it gives you a chance to make up with each other.
Of course, I am not suggesting you get in to or stay in a hostile relationship. Nor am I condoning fighting, physical or mental abuse, or any type of forced submissiveness is good for you. If you are in a relationship where this is the case, get out! I hope that is clear enough.
The point here is, there are going to be disagreements in a relationship and those disagreements, if done right, can and will be great for your relationship.
So let's pick apart the reasons why I mentioned above.
1. It gives you a chance to grow.
When we get to hear another point of view we always have two choices. Ignore it and pay no attention to it or take it in and learn. In essence, whenever we learn we grow.
T. Harv Eker. Author of the book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, often uses the phrase, "If you are not growing, you are dying." Just like a plant. Either the plant is growing or it is dying. Staying in a static state is impossible.
When you argue you have the choice to ignore the other person and what they are asking for or you can grow by listening, even if it isn't exactly what you want to hear, and figure out how you can give them what it is they want.
2. Not Feel Dominated
In a relationship it is good to express yourself and your opinion, at the right place and the right time, so you feel like you are a contributing part of the relationship. If you always hold your tongue, or never give your opinion, you will end up feeling as if you don't really matter. It is a quick way to a depressing lifestyle. When you express your opinion, it also allows for the nest point...
3. It stimulates a sense of respect for your spouse.
As a husband, I want to know my wife has an opinion. It makes me have respect for the person I am along this journey with. Hearing her opinion lets me know I have married a strong, intelligent and often passionate woman who will in turn, teach that to my girls and my son will look for that in a woman. Any man who does not want his wife to express her opinion and to only keep quiet is a not what I call a man. He is a male person who is only interested in dominating and controlling, full of pride.
As a Christian man, we believe there is an order of things in a marriage. That the man is the head of the household. Sometimes this gives the man a sense of unrighteous dominance over their wife. This is not of God. The wife is a helper to the husband.
"The Lord intended that the wife be a helpmeet for man (meet means equal)—that is, a companion equal and necessary in full partnership. Presiding in righteousness necessitates a shared responsibility between husband and wife; together you act with knowledge and participation in all family matters. For a man to operate independent of or without regard to the feelings and counsel of his wife in governing the family is to exercise unrighteous dominion."- Howard W. Hunter
When you hear each others' opinions, it should give you more respect for them because they actually have one. having their own opinion or a dissenting one from yours does not take anything away form you. You might not agree with it, and yet because they have one, you should appreciate it.
4. It gives you a chance to show humility and charity to each other.
There is an old saying, attributed to a sergeant major in Vietnam that goes, "Is this the hill you want to die on?" It goes along with another saying, "Choose your battles wisely."
In a marriage, this is great counsel.
In an argument, you get the chance to choose when and how you are going to relent your point of view.
I remember hearing a long time ago, by whom I don't remember, that all argument is selfish. It's just a matter of one or both of you being selfish. Arguing correctly gives you an opportunity to be humble and at a certain point say, "I'm sorry" or "Your right". When you do this you humble yourself to a greater good...the peace in your marriage and home. EVEN IF YOU ARE RIGHT, (and I know you are), it is better to choose the right hill, than it is to "die" alone being "right".
5. You get to make up!
Obviously the best part of arguing! There are so many ways you get to make up as well. From a simple "I'm sorry", which gives you a sense of relief and humility and them a feeling of gratitude. All the way to my favorite way, yep you guessed it, dinner and a movie.......no! Of course it's sex. Yep I'm a man, and if you believe in astrology, I'm also a Scorpio (look it up) so what's your point? If you read any of my other blogs on the subject you will also know there are many other benefits to this form of making up as well.
"Make up sex" is a great form of getting back to each other in an intimate way. Both of you giving of yourselves both physically and emotionally. Done right, it is also a great way to show charity towards each other.
Now that we know the 5 reasons it is good to have an argument, tomorrow we will talk about the rules of arguing.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The most important qualities in a marriage.
For the last 5 days you might have noticed and hopefully taken part in the 5 most important qualities poll on this blog. I got the idea of that poll from an article I read where they basically did the same poll. The only difference was there were more words on the other poll. Even more interesting is the fact that as long as this poll has been around, January of 2003, the poll has been taken 1,836 times.
In our poll the top three qualities you picked were, Trust, Love and Communication. In that order.
Your answers were consistent with the 1,836 other times the poll has been taken. As a matter of fact the top 10 answers have not changed since the beginning of the survey.
Love and trust have traded places a few times, but they remain in the top three each time.
We had a few write-in's asking why "this" word or "that" word was not on the survey and I thought that was great, because it meant people were passionate about what they were looking for. Due to the gadget I used, I could only fit a specific amount of words on the survey. So I though I would give you a list of all the words the makers of the survey have had to add to the list throughout the years. If you have one you think should be on there and it is not, please let me know and I will add it for you.
TOP TEN
Honesty
Love
Trust
Communication
Respect
Commitment
Humor
Support
Compassion
Dependable
THE NEXT TWELVE
Openness
Kindness
Faith
Caring
Sensitivity
Tolerance
Fun Loving
Generosity
Nurturing
Gentleness
Intimacy
Loyalty
In our poll the top three qualities you picked were, Trust, Love and Communication. In that order.
Your answers were consistent with the 1,836 other times the poll has been taken. As a matter of fact the top 10 answers have not changed since the beginning of the survey.
Love and trust have traded places a few times, but they remain in the top three each time.
We had a few write-in's asking why "this" word or "that" word was not on the survey and I thought that was great, because it meant people were passionate about what they were looking for. Due to the gadget I used, I could only fit a specific amount of words on the survey. So I though I would give you a list of all the words the makers of the survey have had to add to the list throughout the years. If you have one you think should be on there and it is not, please let me know and I will add it for you.
TOP TEN
Honesty
Love
Trust
Communication
Respect
Commitment
Humor
Support
Compassion
Dependable
THE NEXT TWELVE
Openness
Kindness
Faith
Caring
Sensitivity
Tolerance
Fun Loving
Generosity
Nurturing
Gentleness
Intimacy
Loyalty
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Why I blog about marriage?
I have a passion for marriage just like successful business owners have a passion for their business. I love waking up everyday excited about being next to the woman I love and love growing with, just like successful business owners wake up everyday excited about their day of growing their business. I am emotionally engaged and at my best when I am working along side or with the support of my wife for a specific goal, just like successful business people are emotionally engaged and at their best when they are working with their employees to create a business that benefits everyone involved. At the end of the day, I lay my head down next to her knowing I have done everything I could do to make our family the best it could be, both in and out of the home, by being the best I could be, just like successful business owners lay their heads down at the end of the day believing they have done all they could do to make the world a better place through their business.
I enjoy looking at the business structure of companies like Google, Microsoft and Pixar Animation. If you walk into the doors of those companies, you will see people rolling along on scooters, people in casual clothes and having fun, all the while being highly productive. The owners of these companies believe the freedom to have fun and be creative, while working towards a common goal, within a structure of business, allows their employees to be their best. I don’t think anyone can argue against the success of these and other companies like them.
There are many other very successful companies that have a more traditional business structure like Merrill Lynch and Allied Insurance. In those companies the employees will typically be in suits and skirts. They too are successful because they have an expectation of quality and professionalism.
Both types of companies are successful, in spite of their differences, because they both recognize that the system is what matters. Every marriage is unique and different because of the people that are involved, and I am in no way suggesting that they should all be alike. What I believe to be true is when any marriage has a system in place, focusing on each others, as well as their joint success they will achieve that success to a greater measure than they could possibly imagine. That means that any two people, with a specific outlook and goal for their marriage, can have success.
I want every marriage to be as successful as a Fortune 500 Company.
I enjoy looking at the business structure of companies like Google, Microsoft and Pixar Animation. If you walk into the doors of those companies, you will see people rolling along on scooters, people in casual clothes and having fun, all the while being highly productive. The owners of these companies believe the freedom to have fun and be creative, while working towards a common goal, within a structure of business, allows their employees to be their best. I don’t think anyone can argue against the success of these and other companies like them.
There are many other very successful companies that have a more traditional business structure like Merrill Lynch and Allied Insurance. In those companies the employees will typically be in suits and skirts. They too are successful because they have an expectation of quality and professionalism.
Both types of companies are successful, in spite of their differences, because they both recognize that the system is what matters. Every marriage is unique and different because of the people that are involved, and I am in no way suggesting that they should all be alike. What I believe to be true is when any marriage has a system in place, focusing on each others, as well as their joint success they will achieve that success to a greater measure than they could possibly imagine. That means that any two people, with a specific outlook and goal for their marriage, can have success.
I want every marriage to be as successful as a Fortune 500 Company.
Monday, January 12, 2009
The Present
Successful companies are always forward thinking. They are consistently looking at their goals and finding out the smartest and fastest ways to make them happen by working on it today. They don’t let the hope of the future stop them from working on the business today. Likewise they don’t sit around focusing on failures of yesterday. Think of Donald Trump, at one point he was billions of dollars in debt, had bad business deals left and right and virtually lost all of his daddy’s money. He could have chosen to sit around and play the poor me game. Instead he turned it around, working one day at a time, focusing on what he could do today to change things and look at him now.
Successful companies know, the more they focus on today, the faster they will get to tomorrow.
Sometimes, in marriage, we tend to either look at what he or she didn’t do or what we are afraid they will do and that thought process only stops us from living in the now.
People who spend their time focusing on the past are always more depressed. Likewise those who only focus on the future of what could be, live in a state of anxiety. The only way to truly live and exist in your marriage is to live in the today.
There is nothing you can do about either the past or the future. Changing the past is as impossible as controlling the future.
Live your life in the NOW and remember.
In the movie Evan Almighty, with Steve Carrell, Evan is upset when God has given him a task of building an Ark. At one point Evan is venting his frustration and says, "But I had all these plans for my life." At this, God starts to laugh at Evan. Saying, "You had all theses plans" and continues to laugh.
It is a great illustration of the saying "Man plans; God laughs."
You have to get to a point where life is a day to day experience. Learn from the past, don't live in it.
Hope for the future, don't try to control it.
As Master Uguei in Kung Fu Panda say's, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That's why it's called the Present."
Embrace your marriage day to day. Make everyday a day to renew your love for one another.
Successful companies know, the more they focus on today, the faster they will get to tomorrow.
Sometimes, in marriage, we tend to either look at what he or she didn’t do or what we are afraid they will do and that thought process only stops us from living in the now.
People who spend their time focusing on the past are always more depressed. Likewise those who only focus on the future of what could be, live in a state of anxiety. The only way to truly live and exist in your marriage is to live in the today.
There is nothing you can do about either the past or the future. Changing the past is as impossible as controlling the future.
Live your life in the NOW and remember.
In the movie Evan Almighty, with Steve Carrell, Evan is upset when God has given him a task of building an Ark. At one point Evan is venting his frustration and says, "But I had all these plans for my life." At this, God starts to laugh at Evan. Saying, "You had all theses plans" and continues to laugh.
It is a great illustration of the saying "Man plans; God laughs."
You have to get to a point where life is a day to day experience. Learn from the past, don't live in it.
Hope for the future, don't try to control it.
As Master Uguei in Kung Fu Panda say's, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That's why it's called the Present."
Embrace your marriage day to day. Make everyday a day to renew your love for one another.
Friday, January 9, 2009
You got to market to each other.
If you walk into a Doctors office and there were dust webs in the corners of the walls, filth on the floor, the paint on the walls was old and chipping off, the furniture in the lobby looked broken down and smelled bad, the magazines were all from 10 years ago and the doctor told you that he doesn’t believe in going to classes to update his skills because, “If it was good enough then it’s good enough now.”
Ladies, how many of you would want that Dr. as your OBGYN?
Guy’s; how about for your prostate exam?
Businesses that do not keep up with the latest trends or continually market to their customer base will not be in business for very long. Finding new clients is only part of the battle. Long term retention of loyal clients is the key to a company’s ultimate success.
During the dating process both parties involved usually do everything they can to attract the other sex. Too often, once the “catch” has been caught, one or both spouses begin to relax their appearance. Now that they are in a long-term relationship, maintaining a fabulous outward appearance doesn’t seem to be such a high priority. This is backwards to how it should be. It makes more sense to look our best for the one we love, not for that blind date we’ll never see again.
It’s each spouse’s responsibility to take care of them selves physically, mentally, spiritually so they are always bringing their best self to the marriage.
The Dr. Office example is also relevant to your home. It always surprises me when I walk into a home that has not been taken care of. Not in a need to fix the sink type of way but in a hey, lets just throw anything anywhere and not pick up after ourselves way. If you don’t care about the upkeep and care of your home, does it not spill over into your romantic life with your spouse? The home should be a sanctuary from the outside world for you and your family. However, if it resembles the Dr. Office spoken above, the desire to return will also be diminished.
Especially in the bedroom. I have seen master bedrooms, the place where the most intimate and loving parts of relationships are supposed to express them selves, that look more like a storage unit than a place of love and togetherness. The marriage bed should be a place that is warm and inviting, a place where you and your spouse feel comfortable sharing and expressing with each other. Not a place of darkness and despair. If you have to move the pile of old clothes or brush off the crumbs from your bed in order to get into it, there is a challenge you should look at.
I am not saying that all homes should be spotless and free of clutter or dirt at all times. Believe me I lived in that house growing up with my parents and there was definitely no correlation between the house and my parents staying together. The point is your home needs to be a place where love and joy can reside not a place where, junk an
dirt are allowed to suppress your full feelings for one another. It’s all part of the marketing process.
With yourselves, do you do whatever you can to get the attention of your spouse?
Ladies; do you expect your husband’s to swoon over your lack of makeup, pulled back hair into a pony-tail and sack dresses?
Guys; do you think your wife looks lovingly at you as you sit on the couch with your hand down your pants, without showering for two to three days, no deodorant all while letting loose with your gas?
These examples may seem extreme, however I encourage you to look where you are or are not marketing properly to your spouse.
Marketing is all about getting the attention of your audience.
Advertising is all about making them want what you got.
Ladies, how many of you would want that Dr. as your OBGYN?
Guy’s; how about for your prostate exam?
Businesses that do not keep up with the latest trends or continually market to their customer base will not be in business for very long. Finding new clients is only part of the battle. Long term retention of loyal clients is the key to a company’s ultimate success.
During the dating process both parties involved usually do everything they can to attract the other sex. Too often, once the “catch” has been caught, one or both spouses begin to relax their appearance. Now that they are in a long-term relationship, maintaining a fabulous outward appearance doesn’t seem to be such a high priority. This is backwards to how it should be. It makes more sense to look our best for the one we love, not for that blind date we’ll never see again.
It’s each spouse’s responsibility to take care of them selves physically, mentally, spiritually so they are always bringing their best self to the marriage.
The Dr. Office example is also relevant to your home. It always surprises me when I walk into a home that has not been taken care of. Not in a need to fix the sink type of way but in a hey, lets just throw anything anywhere and not pick up after ourselves way. If you don’t care about the upkeep and care of your home, does it not spill over into your romantic life with your spouse? The home should be a sanctuary from the outside world for you and your family. However, if it resembles the Dr. Office spoken above, the desire to return will also be diminished.
Especially in the bedroom. I have seen master bedrooms, the place where the most intimate and loving parts of relationships are supposed to express them selves, that look more like a storage unit than a place of love and togetherness. The marriage bed should be a place that is warm and inviting, a place where you and your spouse feel comfortable sharing and expressing with each other. Not a place of darkness and despair. If you have to move the pile of old clothes or brush off the crumbs from your bed in order to get into it, there is a challenge you should look at.
I am not saying that all homes should be spotless and free of clutter or dirt at all times. Believe me I lived in that house growing up with my parents and there was definitely no correlation between the house and my parents staying together. The point is your home needs to be a place where love and joy can reside not a place where, junk an
dirt are allowed to suppress your full feelings for one another. It’s all part of the marketing process.
With yourselves, do you do whatever you can to get the attention of your spouse?
Ladies; do you expect your husband’s to swoon over your lack of makeup, pulled back hair into a pony-tail and sack dresses?
Guys; do you think your wife looks lovingly at you as you sit on the couch with your hand down your pants, without showering for two to three days, no deodorant all while letting loose with your gas?
These examples may seem extreme, however I encourage you to look where you are or are not marketing properly to your spouse.
Marketing is all about getting the attention of your audience.
Advertising is all about making them want what you got.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Why I married you!
I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even
marry you because I loved you. I married you because you
gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults.
And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect
people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage.
And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that
protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that
promise.
Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth
marry you because I loved you. I married you because you
gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults.
And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect
people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage.
And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that
protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that
promise.
Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
The words we use
Have you ever thought about the power of your words? Think of it. A man and woman are bound together by God and the law due to another person pronouncing they are married. Just seven little words join two people together in the eyes of both government and church.
Christians believe the world and everything in it was created by a Word. Lives have been changed by words, both for the good and bad. However how often do we look at the words used in our own homes? Do the "No's" and the "not now's" or the "shut up's" dominate the language in your household?
In your marriage, are you aware of the power of your words to each other? Do you use words that degrade your spouse or words that uplift?
When Shannon and I were first married I worked with a guy who would often get on a phone call with his wife, right on the sales floor, that would end up in an argument. During the argument he would say and call her the most foul things I have ever heard. The venom that was spewed from his mouth was sickening. Besides being appalled by this behavior, I would often think of the old saying, "You kiss your mother (in this case his wife) with that mouth?"
Although the heart is physically the strongest muscle in your body, your tongue is definitely the sharpest.
In my seminars I talk about the differences in language usage depending on the job site. The language you would hear on a construction site is going to be dramatically different than what you would hear in a law firm. The challenge is understanding your home should have a different standard when it comes to the language used in it. If you have children, you should also be aware of the lessons you are giving and the example you are setting with both the words you use and the tone in which you use them.
In the musical Into The Woods, the Witch sings a lament towards the close of the show and the words are, "Careful the things you say, children will listen. Careful the things you do children will learn."
A few years back, when my daughter Hannah was about three, I was helping in our church nursery. As one of the other new fathers and I were sitting talking our attention was drawn to another little girl over at the kitchen play area. This little girl, who could not have been more than three years old, was talking on the play phone to her "husband". We were in awe as she proceeded to complain to her "husband" about the fact that he would be home late again from work. I will never forget the exasperated look and sound coming form this little girl as she no doubt mimicked her mother with complaints of, "Fine. I'll just have to put the kids down my self again tonight." "Well, I already have made dinner, so if you are going to eat out again, it'll just go to waist." "Whatever!" She ended the call by slamming the phone down and grumpily storming back to washing the toy dishes while grumbling under her breath.
At that moment, I knew I was a fly on the wall in this home and it was very uncomfortable. Certainly because of what I was witnessing, but also because it made me do a mental inventory of how I speak to my spouse in front of my children. Am I that cutting. Do I talk like that? What do my kids repeat that I have said in front of them before. My wife an I do not use fowl language at all so I was not worried about that. However, I realized none was used by the little girl either, but the words were still harmful, nonetheless.
One of my personal flaws when it comes to speech is my sarcasm. I love to use sarcasm in almost everything I do. I feel it lightens the mood in any situation and allows people to get a glimpse of me right up front. The challenge with my sarcasm is I have now given that same gift to my kids. I say a "challenge" because they have not learned how to use it appropriately and with respect. I now have to watch how I say things and also have to teach my children the proper way to use that type of humor.
When it comes to the language you use in your home, be more aware. Show more respect and be a better teacher. Make sure the "yeses" and the "I love you's" and the "Thank you's" out weigh any other.
Christians believe the world and everything in it was created by a Word. Lives have been changed by words, both for the good and bad. However how often do we look at the words used in our own homes? Do the "No's" and the "not now's" or the "shut up's" dominate the language in your household?
In your marriage, are you aware of the power of your words to each other? Do you use words that degrade your spouse or words that uplift?
When Shannon and I were first married I worked with a guy who would often get on a phone call with his wife, right on the sales floor, that would end up in an argument. During the argument he would say and call her the most foul things I have ever heard. The venom that was spewed from his mouth was sickening. Besides being appalled by this behavior, I would often think of the old saying, "You kiss your mother (in this case his wife) with that mouth?"
Although the heart is physically the strongest muscle in your body, your tongue is definitely the sharpest.
In my seminars I talk about the differences in language usage depending on the job site. The language you would hear on a construction site is going to be dramatically different than what you would hear in a law firm. The challenge is understanding your home should have a different standard when it comes to the language used in it. If you have children, you should also be aware of the lessons you are giving and the example you are setting with both the words you use and the tone in which you use them.
In the musical Into The Woods, the Witch sings a lament towards the close of the show and the words are, "Careful the things you say, children will listen. Careful the things you do children will learn."
A few years back, when my daughter Hannah was about three, I was helping in our church nursery. As one of the other new fathers and I were sitting talking our attention was drawn to another little girl over at the kitchen play area. This little girl, who could not have been more than three years old, was talking on the play phone to her "husband". We were in awe as she proceeded to complain to her "husband" about the fact that he would be home late again from work. I will never forget the exasperated look and sound coming form this little girl as she no doubt mimicked her mother with complaints of, "Fine. I'll just have to put the kids down my self again tonight." "Well, I already have made dinner, so if you are going to eat out again, it'll just go to waist." "Whatever!" She ended the call by slamming the phone down and grumpily storming back to washing the toy dishes while grumbling under her breath.
At that moment, I knew I was a fly on the wall in this home and it was very uncomfortable. Certainly because of what I was witnessing, but also because it made me do a mental inventory of how I speak to my spouse in front of my children. Am I that cutting. Do I talk like that? What do my kids repeat that I have said in front of them before. My wife an I do not use fowl language at all so I was not worried about that. However, I realized none was used by the little girl either, but the words were still harmful, nonetheless.
One of my personal flaws when it comes to speech is my sarcasm. I love to use sarcasm in almost everything I do. I feel it lightens the mood in any situation and allows people to get a glimpse of me right up front. The challenge with my sarcasm is I have now given that same gift to my kids. I say a "challenge" because they have not learned how to use it appropriately and with respect. I now have to watch how I say things and also have to teach my children the proper way to use that type of humor.
When it comes to the language you use in your home, be more aware. Show more respect and be a better teacher. Make sure the "yeses" and the "I love you's" and the "Thank you's" out weigh any other.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Respect, Success and Space
I was recently listening to a CD by John Assaraf an amazing personal development trainer and one of the teachers of The Secret. In the CD he recounted a story about love and respect that I wanted to paraphrase for you. He was at dinner with his wife Maria along with Susanne Summers and her husband Alan Hammil. John's wife asked Susanne how she and her husband Allan have stayed so strong in their marriage for so long through all the success. Susanne's reply was very simple she said, "#1 I give him his space and I respect him totally. And I know that he would love me even if I wasn't successful." She then asked John's wife, "Wouldn't you still love John if he wasn't successful?" Without missing a beat John's wife replied, "Of course I'd still love him....I'd miss him but I'd still love him."
Of course it was a funny little story John tells, but what Susanne Summers said is something we all can learn from.
First of all she said I give him his space.
As a spouse we should be willing, even encouraging for our spouse to have the space they need to grow, learn and stretch themselves. Doing activities together is great and should have a specific focus in your relationship. However, giving the other the opportunity to grow and expand as a man, woman, mother, father, husband or wife will only allow for each of you to be your best selves and will contribute to the growth of the marriage.
You need to make sure this "space" does not conflict with the duties and responsibilities of the marriage and home, and yet both of you definitely need that space to call your own.
The next thing she said was she respected him.
If you do not respect your spouse, you need to figure out why. Giving respect and feeling respected is crucial to the success of your marriage. Do you show respect in your words and deeds? In showing respect do you acknowledge the time, effort and talent it takes to do what each of you does throughout the day? My wife home schools our kids. I have so much respect for her ability to teach them what they need to know. To care enough for their education that she has taken it upon herself to guide their instruction.
In turn, I know she respects me for all I do in my endeavor of public speaking, writing and training. I know thins because she tells me. Even when she laughs at my many spelling mistakes, she always backs it up with some sort of "I'm proud of you and I respect what you are doing here" gesture.
How do you express your respect of your spouse to them?
And lastly she said that she knew her husband would love her even if she wasn't successful.
I once had a client who was having some difficult financial times and almost in passing, I asked his wife how she was doing. She responded with something I will never forget. She looked at me and said, "No matter what our finances are, or how bad it gets I know I have a husband who loves me and whom I love. I know he loves our children and loves God. Everything else can be taken away from me and as long as I still have that, I am doing just fine."
I believe a man can go through anything in life as long as he knows he is loved and respected.
This week make it a goal to show your love, respect and devotion to your spouse in all things. Not just the big stuff, but the little things as well. Then give each other the gift of personal space or alone time. Do this and just watch how your relationship will grow.
Of course it was a funny little story John tells, but what Susanne Summers said is something we all can learn from.
First of all she said I give him his space.
As a spouse we should be willing, even encouraging for our spouse to have the space they need to grow, learn and stretch themselves. Doing activities together is great and should have a specific focus in your relationship. However, giving the other the opportunity to grow and expand as a man, woman, mother, father, husband or wife will only allow for each of you to be your best selves and will contribute to the growth of the marriage.
You need to make sure this "space" does not conflict with the duties and responsibilities of the marriage and home, and yet both of you definitely need that space to call your own.
The next thing she said was she respected him.
If you do not respect your spouse, you need to figure out why. Giving respect and feeling respected is crucial to the success of your marriage. Do you show respect in your words and deeds? In showing respect do you acknowledge the time, effort and talent it takes to do what each of you does throughout the day? My wife home schools our kids. I have so much respect for her ability to teach them what they need to know. To care enough for their education that she has taken it upon herself to guide their instruction.
In turn, I know she respects me for all I do in my endeavor of public speaking, writing and training. I know thins because she tells me. Even when she laughs at my many spelling mistakes, she always backs it up with some sort of "I'm proud of you and I respect what you are doing here" gesture.
How do you express your respect of your spouse to them?
And lastly she said that she knew her husband would love her even if she wasn't successful.
I once had a client who was having some difficult financial times and almost in passing, I asked his wife how she was doing. She responded with something I will never forget. She looked at me and said, "No matter what our finances are, or how bad it gets I know I have a husband who loves me and whom I love. I know he loves our children and loves God. Everything else can be taken away from me and as long as I still have that, I am doing just fine."
I believe a man can go through anything in life as long as he knows he is loved and respected.
This week make it a goal to show your love, respect and devotion to your spouse in all things. Not just the big stuff, but the little things as well. Then give each other the gift of personal space or alone time. Do this and just watch how your relationship will grow.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Be Happy
In her excellent book, Happy for NO Reason, Marci Shimoff teaches you how to be happy, just because. No reason at all. Not the new toy, not the job, not the family, not the boy or girlfriend, but just because you choose to be.
In marriage we too often allow outside sources or a belief in something determine whether or not we are happy. Often a spouse will continue a cycle of depression or self deprecating behavior because of a belief that when (blank) happens then (blank) will happen.
"When he says, I love you 20 times a day, then I'll be happy."
"When she gets along wiht my mother, then I will know she loves me."
"When he cleans up after himself, then i will stop nagging."
"When she understands how important the game is to me, then we won't fight anymore about my watching TV."
Whatever it is, it all a bunch of poo-poo. (That's right, I said it). Listen to me very carefully....YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DETERMINE YOUR HAPPINESS. It is never determined by he, she, them, that, or it. You can literally choose at anytime to be happy or not.
In the Italian movie Life is Beautiful, the main character is determined to help his son be happy even while in a Nazi concentration camp. He did this by making there time there a game. In my opinion, the wonderful part about this movie was that in order to help his son not be scared or unhappy, the main character Guido played by Roberto Benigni, had to choose to be happy himself. Did that mean he wasn't worried at times? Concerned for his wife and son's safety? Not at all. He lived in the real world, he just choose to be happy and help others be happy as well in spite of the surrounding danger and misery.
The key here is to practice learning the skill and developing that muscle so you can call upon it at any time. Marci's book is a very thorough guide to learning how to be Happy for No Reason in your marriage.
In marriage we too often allow outside sources or a belief in something determine whether or not we are happy. Often a spouse will continue a cycle of depression or self deprecating behavior because of a belief that when (blank) happens then (blank) will happen.
"When he says, I love you 20 times a day, then I'll be happy."
"When she gets along wiht my mother, then I will know she loves me."
"When he cleans up after himself, then i will stop nagging."
"When she understands how important the game is to me, then we won't fight anymore about my watching TV."
Whatever it is, it all a bunch of poo-poo. (That's right, I said it). Listen to me very carefully....YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DETERMINE YOUR HAPPINESS. It is never determined by he, she, them, that, or it. You can literally choose at anytime to be happy or not.
In the Italian movie Life is Beautiful, the main character is determined to help his son be happy even while in a Nazi concentration camp. He did this by making there time there a game. In my opinion, the wonderful part about this movie was that in order to help his son not be scared or unhappy, the main character Guido played by Roberto Benigni, had to choose to be happy himself. Did that mean he wasn't worried at times? Concerned for his wife and son's safety? Not at all. He lived in the real world, he just choose to be happy and help others be happy as well in spite of the surrounding danger and misery.
The key here is to practice learning the skill and developing that muscle so you can call upon it at any time. Marci's book is a very thorough guide to learning how to be Happy for No Reason in your marriage.
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