Experts want you to be more Proactive as opposed to Reactive!

In a new post from the couples section of Yahoo, 10 "Relationship Experts" give advice on how to keep your relationship strong. (I'm still wondering why no one called me!) Click here to read the entire article.
In it they mention things like, Take Turns Talking, Touch a Lot, Being Positive and Being a Good Date.
What I like about this article is it is not a "repair" article. It's a "prepare" article.
Too many people are reactive after a situation arises as opposed to being proactive in their lives. Especially when it comes to their relationships.

I have a friend who sells home security alarms. The system is free, cost nothing to install. The client is only responsible for a small mentoring fee once a month. However that fee will protect them from fire, break-in or a medical emergency. He sells the alarms door to door and it's tough. Not because the product isn't awesome, because most people don't feel the need for this protection until after the break in. Then they wish they had that protection. They wish they had been proactive now that they are being forced to be reactive.

It's the same in relationships. You can choose to read the books, practice the skills and even get the counceling you need now, while everything seems fine in your relationship. Therefore being proactive against any possible future issue. Or you can do nothing to cultivate and improve your relationship now, hoping issues or challenges never arise. (BTW- The latter is a fantasy)

Look at your relationship and find ways you can be more proactive in your relationship as opposed to reactive. It will definately help in the long run.

A whole week, no posts

Sorry for the lack of postings. I have been sick all week and a little uninspired.
I will be back on the wagon again next week.
Hope you are all doing great.

Desperation vs. Transformation

Last time I spoke of asking your spouse how you are doing as a husband or a wife and how to hear that feedback.
Now we need to clarify how to make those adjustments.
Often, if the adjustments are big in the nature of your relationship you might tend to do that action out of desperation to show him or her you are "Trying" or "Changing". Unfortunately this type of change is usually only temporary because you are not transforming the actual behavior, your only doing it for show.

-If the complaint from your spouse is the lack of romance; taking then out to a nice restaurant and a movie once and expecting that to be sufficient for the next year, is a desperation move, not a transformation in your behavior.

-If the complaint is you don't help around the house as much as they would like; putting your dishes in the sink or even going so far as washing the actual dishes three times that week, then never again, is not a transformation, it's desperation.

Anything you are doing just so you can pull it out of your, "remember that time" bank is not a transformation, it's desperation.

When a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly, everything about it changes. It's physical body actually breaks down into a goo or slime then rebuilds itself into the form of a butterfly.

Like the caterpillar you need to be willing to transform yourself into a new being. This is very important, you also need to be willing to take the time to transform as well. The caterpillar does not become a butterfly over night. It takes time.

Those who are just doing the action out of desperation, ask themselves or their spouse the limiting question, "How much time it will take for "X" to happen."

Those who really want a transformation in the relationship won't even realize when the process is over...if it ever is.

Asking for a performance evaluation

Have you ever known anyone who has gone through a "Surprise Divorce"? Where the one spouse was just going on with life, not thinking anything was the matter, then "out of the blue" the other spouse wants them out or worse, a divorce? This is what I call a "surprise divorce".

A surprise divorce can be devastating; and not just for the obvious reasons. However being blindsided by a surprise divorce can often be avoided by one simple practice, repeated throughout your relationship. Checking in with each other through a Performance Evaluation.

During this evaluation time in your relationship your goal is to find out how you are doing as a spouse. We all THINK we are doing well at this or that. We all want to believe we are the best father, husband, wife or mother, but there is no better way to find out that to actually ask your spouse. Openly and honestly, here's the hard part, WITHOUT taking their answer as a judgment or insult! That's what make this so hard for some.

In business, there will be times where you will have a performance evaluation. You either receive them as an employee or you give one as an employer. In that evaluation you will be given, or if you are the boss you give, constructive criticism. That evaluation is for your own good. So you can know what you are doing well and what you need to focus on to improve your performance. When you listen, take the advice and adjust your performance accordingly, everybody wins.

It's the same in your relationship, you should seek that constructive criticism Don't be afraid to sit with your spouse and ask, "So how am I doing as a Husband/ wife?" "Is there something I can improve on?" "What can I do better?" Then be ready to shut your mouth and take notes. That doesn't mean you can not get clarity on the "evaluation" it just means it's not time to pick a fight. You asked, and hopefully you asked because you really want to know. If you fight back or defend yourself in any way, you will not gain the trust of your spouse in this exercise and the evaluation will be for not. They have to be able to trust that you really want to know and that they can speak freely.

It can be scary and maybe a little uncomfortable. However, not as uncomfortable as the inside of a divorce courtroom.

Next time we will discuss how to act on the information and how not to act on the information you now have.

I know you don't know. But if you did know, what would be your answer?

Do you find yourself saying "I don't know" when it comes to decisions in your marriage?
When asked your opinion on something as simple as "Where would you like to eat tonight?" and your response is "I don't know" you are only taking the easy way out. The trouble is, this can often be the root of your pointless arguments with your spouse.

Let's stay with this simple eating example. You are asked, "Where would you like to eat tonight?"
You reply, "I don't know." Secretly, you're craving Chinese but you remember the last time you went to the Chinese place your spouse complained afterward about the egg rolls. However, the last thing you want to eat tonight is Mexican.
Your spouse responds, "Okay then, let's go to El Tio Pepe's."
At this point you do one of two things.

#1. You start to whine and complain about how much you don't want to go there. In which case your spouse say's, "Well then where would you like to go?"
To which you reply, "I don't know" again. Then it becomes this big drama about what to eat. Typically no one is happy.

or #2.You keep your mouth shut. Go to the Mexican restaurant. Grumpily order. Have little to no conversation, complain about the littlest things. Then when asked what is wrong, tell your spouse that this was the last place you wanted to eat. Now frustration sets in and, once again, no one is happy.
All because you refused to say what you want.

This is just a tiny example, and maybe you are good about voicing your opinion about the little things. What about the big decisions?

Do you avoid giving your opinion because you don't what to be held accountable for the outcome?
Saying, "I Don't Know" only stops you from thinking and helps literally no one.
If you were an employee and constantly said, "I don't know" when asked a question or for your opinion from your boss, how long would you keep that job?
Next time you ask a question and the response you are given is "I don't know" try this out.
Respond with, "I know you don't know. But if you did know, what would it be?"

You might want to try that on yourself as well every once and a while.


See what happened below when two of my students tried this on.

Are you giving 100%?

Many people are under the misconception that a marriage is 50/50.
In order to be your best in a marriage, you need to bring your best.
If you were in a game or a business situation are you going to excel by only bringing half your game or knowledge? Of course not.

In a marriage you both have to be willing to be all in. Bringing your best selves to the table and consistently doing all you can to improve yourself.

If you have one foot in the boat and one foot on the shore, what is going to eventually happen every time? You'll end up on your butt.

It's time to reevaluate your commitment. If you have not been playing at 100%, then make the decision RIGHT NOW to change your game plan and be 100% committed to being married. Along with that decision is the commitment to grow together, support one another, forgive each other and uplift each other.

When you both give 100% you will be able to overcome trials, and keep the love, passion and understanding alive for the rest of your life.

Build a bridge and Get Over It!

How good are you at letting go of a grudge or disappointment? Do you hold on to those little things against your spouse that they've done knowingly or unknowingly to them?
If so you are slowly but surely building a wall or barrier between the two of you.
Many of us tend to hold onto a lot of little things as opposed to one big thing. But it's the little things that will get you every time.

Have you ever seen the string demonstration. Where one thread is easily broken, but the moment you start to combing multiple strings, the harder it is to break and the stronger that once one thread has become.

It's the same with your little grudges. The more you let pile up the stronger they become and the harder it is to forgive and move on.

You have to either be willing to forgive them, since you are also an imperfect being and undoubtedly you have done a thing or two to disappoint them as well, or you just need to choose to Get Over It.

Forgiveness is a vital part of your relationship and will definitely improve your marriage.

Here are some easy steps to help you forgive:

1. Realize that you are both fallible.
2. Make specific time to discuss the issue you have.
3. Be clear on why you are upset. Explain in specific's not generalities.
4. Tell them you forgive them.
5. (Here's a big one) Ask their forgiveness for the negative thoughts and attitudes you have had towards them.
6. Throw away the anger or hurt. If you find yourself thinking of it again or letting the issue upset you again, remind yourself you have already forgiven them.

When you forgive your spouse you will grow closer and stronger as a couple.

Would you marry you?

I am a Facebook nut. (come join me)Some might say addict. The networking with new friends and reconnecting with old ones is really fascinating to me. Within Facebook there are Notes that can be created. These notes can either express opinions, relay stories or ask probing questions. One of the notes that is being passed around is a questionnaire about you, your life and personality. Within this set of questions one, I feel, should invoke a lot of thought.

The question is this, "If you were someone else, would you be friends with you?"
What a great question to ask yourself. What a great opportunity to take inventory of how you are as a friend. Do you gossip? Are you loyal? Are you helpfully truthful? Are you a flake? Do you show up on time to events? Do you show you value them being in your life?

This is also a great probing question when it comes to marriage.

Ask yourself honestly:
If you are married- If I was my spouse, would I want to be married to me?
If you are single- If I was my potential spouse, would I choose me?

Are you caring and sensitive to your their needs? Do you go out of your way to show charity, compassion and understanding? Do you forgive easily? Do you uplift them in their endeavors or hobbies? Do you ask them if you are being a good spouse? Are you open to hearing what they have to say and really trying to understand their needs? Do you confide in them instead of someone else? Are you growing as a person? Are you growing spiritually?

If you are not someone you would marry or want to stay married to, why would you ask someone else to be?