Arguments are good for you!

Have you ever heard someone say, when it came to their relationship, they "never argue"? Whenever I hear anyone say that I automatically think one of two things. "Bull poop!" or "What's wrong with you?"
Arguments are important in a relationship. It gives the two of you a chance to grow in your relationship, not feel like one is dominating over the other, it stimulates a sense of respect for each other, it gives a chance to learn humility and charity and most importantly, it gives you a chance to make up with each other.

Of course, I am not suggesting you get in to or stay in a hostile relationship. Nor am I condoning fighting, physical or mental abuse, or any type of forced submissiveness is good for you. If you are in a relationship where this is the case, get out! I hope that is clear enough.

The point here is, there are going to be disagreements in a relationship and those disagreements, if done right, can and will be great for your relationship.

So let's pick apart the reasons why I mentioned above.

1. It gives you a chance to grow.
When we get to hear another point of view we always have two choices. Ignore it and pay no attention to it or take it in and learn. In essence, whenever we learn we grow.
T. Harv Eker. Author of the book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, often uses the phrase, "If you are not growing, you are dying." Just like a plant. Either the plant is growing or it is dying. Staying in a static state is impossible.
When you argue you have the choice to ignore the other person and what they are asking for or you can grow by listening, even if it isn't exactly what you want to hear, and figure out how you can give them what it is they want.

2. Not Feel Dominated
In a relationship it is good to express yourself and your opinion, at the right place and the right time, so you feel like you are a contributing part of the relationship. If you always hold your tongue, or never give your opinion, you will end up feeling as if you don't really matter. It is a quick way to a depressing lifestyle. When you express your opinion, it also allows for the nest point...

3. It stimulates a sense of respect for your spouse.
As a husband, I want to know my wife has an opinion. It makes me have respect for the person I am along this journey with. Hearing her opinion lets me know I have married a strong, intelligent and often passionate woman who will in turn, teach that to my girls and my son will look for that in a woman. Any man who does not want his wife to express her opinion and to only keep quiet is a not what I call a man. He is a male person who is only interested in dominating and controlling, full of pride.
As a Christian man, we believe there is an order of things in a marriage. That the man is the head of the household. Sometimes this gives the man a sense of unrighteous dominance over their wife. This is not of God. The wife is a helper to the husband.
"The Lord intended that the wife be a helpmeet for man (meet means equal)—that is, a companion equal and necessary in full partnership. Presiding in righteousness necessitates a shared responsibility between husband and wife; together you act with knowledge and participation in all family matters. For a man to operate independent of or without regard to the feelings and counsel of his wife in governing the family is to exercise unrighteous dominion."- Howard W. Hunter
When you hear each others' opinions, it should give you more respect for them because they actually have one. having their own opinion or a dissenting one from yours does not take anything away form you. You might not agree with it, and yet because they have one, you should appreciate it.

4. It gives you a chance to show humility and charity to each other.
There is an old saying, attributed to a sergeant major in Vietnam that goes, "Is this the hill you want to die on?" It goes along with another saying, "Choose your battles wisely."
In a marriage, this is great counsel.
In an argument, you get the chance to choose when and how you are going to relent your point of view.
I remember hearing a long time ago, by whom I don't remember, that all argument is selfish. It's just a matter of one or both of you being selfish. Arguing correctly gives you an opportunity to be humble and at a certain point say, "I'm sorry" or "Your right". When you do this you humble yourself to a greater good...the peace in your marriage and home. EVEN IF YOU ARE RIGHT, (and I know you are), it is better to choose the right hill, than it is to "die" alone being "right".

5. You get to make up!
Obviously the best part of arguing! There are so many ways you get to make up as well. From a simple "I'm sorry", which gives you a sense of relief and humility and them a feeling of gratitude. All the way to my favorite way, yep you guessed it, dinner and a movie.......no! Of course it's sex. Yep I'm a man, and if you believe in astrology, I'm also a Scorpio (look it up) so what's your point? If you read any of my other blogs on the subject you will also know there are many other benefits to this form of making up as well.
"Make up sex" is a great form of getting back to each other in an intimate way. Both of you giving of yourselves both physically and emotionally. Done right, it is also a great way to show charity towards each other.

Now that we know the 5 reasons it is good to have an argument, tomorrow we will talk about the rules of arguing.

The most important qualities in a marriage.

For the last 5 days you might have noticed and hopefully taken part in the 5 most important qualities poll on this blog. I got the idea of that poll from an article I read where they basically did the same poll. The only difference was there were more words on the other poll. Even more interesting is the fact that as long as this poll has been around, January of 2003, the poll has been taken 1,836 times.
In our poll the top three qualities you picked were, Trust, Love and Communication. In that order.
Your answers were consistent with the 1,836 other times the poll has been taken. As a matter of fact the top 10 answers have not changed since the beginning of the survey.
Love and trust have traded places a few times, but they remain in the top three each time.
We had a few write-in's asking why "this" word or "that" word was not on the survey and I thought that was great, because it meant people were passionate about what they were looking for. Due to the gadget I used, I could only fit a specific amount of words on the survey. So I though I would give you a list of all the words the makers of the survey have had to add to the list throughout the years. If you have one you think should be on there and it is not, please let me know and I will add it for you.

TOP TEN
Honesty
Love
Trust
Communication
Respect
Commitment
Humor
Support
Compassion
Dependable

THE NEXT TWELVE
Openness
Kindness
Faith
Caring
Sensitivity
Tolerance
Fun Loving
Generosity
Nurturing
Gentleness
Intimacy
Loyalty

Why I blog about marriage?

I have a passion for marriage just like successful business owners have a passion for their business. I love waking up everyday excited about being next to the woman I love and love growing with, just like successful business owners wake up everyday excited about their day of growing their business. I am emotionally engaged and at my best when I am working along side or with the support of my wife for a specific goal, just like successful business people are emotionally engaged and at their best when they are working with their employees to create a business that benefits everyone involved. At the end of the day, I lay my head down next to her knowing I have done everything I could do to make our family the best it could be, both in and out of the home, by being the best I could be, just like successful business owners lay their heads down at the end of the day believing they have done all they could do to make the world a better place through their business.
I enjoy looking at the business structure of companies like Google, Microsoft and Pixar Animation. If you walk into the doors of those companies, you will see people rolling along on scooters, people in casual clothes and having fun, all the while being highly productive. The owners of these companies believe the freedom to have fun and be creative, while working towards a common goal, within a structure of business, allows their employees to be their best. I don’t think anyone can argue against the success of these and other companies like them.
There are many other very successful companies that have a more traditional business structure like Merrill Lynch and Allied Insurance. In those companies the employees will typically be in suits and skirts. They too are successful because they have an expectation of quality and professionalism.
Both types of companies are successful, in spite of their differences, because they both recognize that the system is what matters. Every marriage is unique and different because of the people that are involved, and I am in no way suggesting that they should all be alike. What I believe to be true is when any marriage has a system in place, focusing on each others, as well as their joint success they will achieve that success to a greater measure than they could possibly imagine. That means that any two people, with a specific outlook and goal for their marriage, can have success.
I want every marriage to be as successful as a Fortune 500 Company.

The Present

Successful companies are always forward thinking. They are consistently looking at their goals and finding out the smartest and fastest ways to make them happen by working on it today. They don’t let the hope of the future stop them from working on the business today. Likewise they don’t sit around focusing on failures of yesterday. Think of Donald Trump, at one point he was billions of dollars in debt, had bad business deals left and right and virtually lost all of his daddy’s money. He could have chosen to sit around and play the poor me game. Instead he turned it around, working one day at a time, focusing on what he could do today to change things and look at him now.
Successful companies know, the more they focus on today, the faster they will get to tomorrow.
Sometimes, in marriage, we tend to either look at what he or she didn’t do or what we are afraid they will do and that thought process only stops us from living in the now.

People who spend their time focusing on the past are always more depressed. Likewise those who only focus on the future of what could be, live in a state of anxiety. The only way to truly live and exist in your marriage is to live in the today.

There is nothing you can do about either the past or the future. Changing the past is as impossible as controlling the future.

Live your life in the NOW and remember.

In the movie Evan Almighty, with Steve Carrell, Evan is upset when God has given him a task of building an Ark. At one point Evan is venting his frustration and says, "But I had all these plans for my life." At this, God starts to laugh at Evan. Saying, "You had all theses plans" and continues to laugh.
It is a great illustration of the saying "Man plans; God laughs."

You have to get to a point where life is a day to day experience. Learn from the past, don't live in it.

Hope for the future, don't try to control it.

As Master Uguei in Kung Fu Panda say's, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That's why it's called the Present."

Embrace your marriage day to day. Make everyday a day to renew your love for one another.

You got to market to each other.

If you walk into a Doctors office and there were dust webs in the corners of the walls, filth on the floor, the paint on the walls was old and chipping off, the furniture in the lobby looked broken down and smelled bad, the magazines were all from 10 years ago and the doctor told you that he doesn’t believe in going to classes to update his skills because, “If it was good enough then it’s good enough now.”

Ladies, how many of you would want that Dr. as your OBGYN?
Guy’s; how about for your prostate exam?

Businesses that do not keep up with the latest trends or continually market to their customer base will not be in business for very long. Finding new clients is only part of the battle. Long term retention of loyal clients is the key to a company’s ultimate success.
During the dating process both parties involved usually do everything they can to attract the other sex. Too often, once the “catch” has been caught, one or both spouses begin to relax their appearance. Now that they are in a long-term relationship, maintaining a fabulous outward appearance doesn’t seem to be such a high priority. This is backwards to how it should be. It makes more sense to look our best for the one we love, not for that blind date we’ll never see again.
It’s each spouse’s responsibility to take care of them selves physically, mentally, spiritually so they are always bringing their best self to the marriage.

The Dr. Office example is also relevant to your home. It always surprises me when I walk into a home that has not been taken care of. Not in a need to fix the sink type of way but in a hey, lets just throw anything anywhere and not pick up after ourselves way. If you don’t care about the upkeep and care of your home, does it not spill over into your romantic life with your spouse? The home should be a sanctuary from the outside world for you and your family. However, if it resembles the Dr. Office spoken above, the desire to return will also be diminished.

Especially in the bedroom. I have seen master bedrooms, the place where the most intimate and loving parts of relationships are supposed to express them selves, that look more like a storage unit than a place of love and togetherness. The marriage bed should be a place that is warm and inviting, a place where you and your spouse feel comfortable sharing and expressing with each other. Not a place of darkness and despair. If you have to move the pile of old clothes or brush off the crumbs from your bed in order to get into it, there is a challenge you should look at.

I am not saying that all homes should be spotless and free of clutter or dirt at all times. Believe me I lived in that house growing up with my parents and there was definitely no correlation between the house and my parents staying together. The point is your home needs to be a place where love and joy can reside not a place where, junk an
dirt are allowed to suppress your full feelings for one another. It’s all part of the marketing process.

With yourselves, do you do whatever you can to get the attention of your spouse?

Ladies; do you expect your husband’s to swoon over your lack of makeup, pulled back hair into a pony-tail and sack dresses?

Guys; do you think your wife looks lovingly at you as you sit on the couch with your hand down your pants, without showering for two to three days, no deodorant all while letting loose with your gas?

These examples may seem extreme, however I encourage you to look where you are or are not marketing properly to your spouse.

Marketing is all about getting the attention of your audience.
Advertising is all about making them want what you got.

Why I married you!

I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even
marry you because I loved you. I married you because you
gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults.
And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect
people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage.
And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that
protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that
promise.
Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth

The words we use

Have you ever thought about the power of your words? Think of it. A man and woman are bound together by God and the law due to another person pronouncing they are married. Just seven little words join two people together in the eyes of both government and church.
Christians believe the world and everything in it was created by a Word. Lives have been changed by words, both for the good and bad. However how often do we look at the words used in our own homes? Do the "No's" and the "not now's" or the "shut up's" dominate the language in your household?
In your marriage, are you aware of the power of your words to each other? Do you use words that degrade your spouse or words that uplift?

When Shannon and I were first married I worked with a guy who would often get on a phone call with his wife, right on the sales floor, that would end up in an argument. During the argument he would say and call her the most foul things I have ever heard. The venom that was spewed from his mouth was sickening. Besides being appalled by this behavior, I would often think of the old saying, "You kiss your mother (in this case his wife) with that mouth?"

Although the heart is physically the strongest muscle in your body, your tongue is definitely the sharpest.
In my seminars I talk about the differences in language usage depending on the job site. The language you would hear on a construction site is going to be dramatically different than what you would hear in a law firm. The challenge is understanding your home should have a different standard when it comes to the language used in it. If you have children, you should also be aware of the lessons you are giving and the example you are setting with both the words you use and the tone in which you use them.

In the musical Into The Woods, the Witch sings a lament towards the close of the show and the words are, "Careful the things you say, children will listen. Careful the things you do children will learn."

A few years back, when my daughter Hannah was about three, I was helping in our church nursery. As one of the other new fathers and I were sitting talking our attention was drawn to another little girl over at the kitchen play area. This little girl, who could not have been more than three years old, was talking on the play phone to her "husband". We were in awe as she proceeded to complain to her "husband" about the fact that he would be home late again from work. I will never forget the exasperated look and sound coming form this little girl as she no doubt mimicked her mother with complaints of, "Fine. I'll just have to put the kids down my self again tonight." "Well, I already have made dinner, so if you are going to eat out again, it'll just go to waist." "Whatever!" She ended the call by slamming the phone down and grumpily storming back to washing the toy dishes while grumbling under her breath.
At that moment, I knew I was a fly on the wall in this home and it was very uncomfortable. Certainly because of what I was witnessing, but also because it made me do a mental inventory of how I speak to my spouse in front of my children. Am I that cutting. Do I talk like that? What do my kids repeat that I have said in front of them before. My wife an I do not use fowl language at all so I was not worried about that. However, I realized none was used by the little girl either, but the words were still harmful, nonetheless.

One of my personal flaws when it comes to speech is my sarcasm. I love to use sarcasm in almost everything I do. I feel it lightens the mood in any situation and allows people to get a glimpse of me right up front. The challenge with my sarcasm is I have now given that same gift to my kids. I say a "challenge" because they have not learned how to use it appropriately and with respect. I now have to watch how I say things and also have to teach my children the proper way to use that type of humor.

When it comes to the language you use in your home, be more aware. Show more respect and be a better teacher. Make sure the "yeses" and the "I love you's" and the "Thank you's" out weigh any other.

Respect, Success and Space

I was recently listening to a CD by John Assaraf an amazing personal development trainer and one of the teachers of The Secret. In the CD he recounted a story about love and respect that I wanted to paraphrase for you. He was at dinner with his wife Maria along with Susanne Summers and her husband Alan Hammil. John's wife asked Susanne how she and her husband Allan have stayed so strong in their marriage for so long through all the success. Susanne's reply was very simple she said, "#1 I give him his space and I respect him totally. And I know that he would love me even if I wasn't successful." She then asked John's wife, "Wouldn't you still love John if he wasn't successful?" Without missing a beat John's wife replied, "Of course I'd still love him....I'd miss him but I'd still love him."

Of course it was a funny little story John tells, but what Susanne Summers said is something we all can learn from.

First of all she said I give him his space.

As a spouse we should be willing, even encouraging for our spouse to have the space they need to grow, learn and stretch themselves. Doing activities together is great and should have a specific focus in your relationship. However, giving the other the opportunity to grow and expand as a man, woman, mother, father, husband or wife will only allow for each of you to be your best selves and will contribute to the growth of the marriage.
You need to make sure this "space" does not conflict with the duties and responsibilities of the marriage and home, and yet both of you definitely need that space to call your own.

The next thing she said was she respected him.

If you do not respect your spouse, you need to figure out why. Giving respect and feeling respected is crucial to the success of your marriage. Do you show respect in your words and deeds? In showing respect do you acknowledge the time, effort and talent it takes to do what each of you does throughout the day? My wife home schools our kids. I have so much respect for her ability to teach them what they need to know. To care enough for their education that she has taken it upon herself to guide their instruction.
In turn, I know she respects me for all I do in my endeavor of public speaking, writing and training. I know thins because she tells me. Even when she laughs at my many spelling mistakes, she always backs it up with some sort of "I'm proud of you and I respect what you are doing here" gesture.
How do you express your respect of your spouse to them?

And lastly she said that she knew her husband would love her even if she wasn't successful.

I once had a client who was having some difficult financial times and almost in passing, I asked his wife how she was doing. She responded with something I will never forget. She looked at me and said, "No matter what our finances are, or how bad it gets I know I have a husband who loves me and whom I love. I know he loves our children and loves God. Everything else can be taken away from me and as long as I still have that, I am doing just fine."

I believe a man can go through anything in life as long as he knows he is loved and respected.
This week make it a goal to show your love, respect and devotion to your spouse in all things. Not just the big stuff, but the little things as well. Then give each other the gift of personal space or alone time. Do this and just watch how your relationship will grow.