"SUPER" and "WONDER"

In most marriage and relationship advice blogs, when it comes to what men want, the writer usually says something like, “Ladies you need to understand to make a man happy he only needs one of two things. So if he isn’t horny, make him a sandwich.”
To an extent that might be true. However, men are even a lot easier to understand than that. A real man only wants to be one thing to his wife and only asks for one thing in return. This one thing is why wars have been fought over women. This one thing will make us turn off the television, not just mute it, when you talk to us. This one thing is so valuable to a man he will just about kill, either himself or someone else, for it.
Are you listening ladies? I mean it. Listen close. Lean into the page a little more. This is all you need to know for the REST OF YOUR LIFE and you will have the man of your dreams.
Turn the page and find out.

All we ever want to be is your ……… “SUPER”MAN!

If we know we are your “Super”man, your hero, your knight in shining armor, we will do whatever you ask. We will wear the Christmas sweater to the office party. We will browse Pottery Barn magazines with you. We will put up that extra wreath on the highest gable of the roof. We will put up all the picture frames you want. We will sleep in a bedroom that’s painted lavender with overly ruffled comforters. We will plant gardens, visit home decorating shows, wear matching clothes in a family photo, get up in the middle of the night to get you water or when you hear something, even though we know it was the wind. We will be glad to miss the play-offs because your mother is coming over. We will even talk to her when she does. If you are really good at making us know we are your “SUPER”MAN we will even help you when you scrapbook! We will literally do anything and everything you ask us to do as long as we know this one simple thing.
You are now saying to yourself, “It can’t be that easy.” It is. But here’s the hard part for you. This is where you have all the power and yet you sometimes fail to recognize it. Why do you fail? I will tell you in a moment. For now, I want you to know how easy it is for you to let us know that we are your “SUPER” MAN.
All you have to do is one little thing. This one thing will assure our place in “SUPER”MAN-DOM and all I mentioned before will be yours.

The only thing you have to do is become………”WONDER”WOMAN!

How do you become this mythical goddess, you ask?

The key is simple and highly affective. Everything, and I do mean everything, your man does for you, needs to be looked upon and commented upon in a sense of wonderment. In other words, praise. Praise in everything we do. Do not discount the power you have her and the secret I am telling you. A simple praise of wonderment can last in a man’s mindset for a long time. However, the more he gets the more he wants it. Especially from the woman he gets to see naked! That’s all we need. Knowing that the woman we chose thinks we are their Knight in Shining armor, their Brad Pitt, their SUPERMAN is all we need to know and we will be at your every command.

Here is a simple example of how your “Wonder”woman reaction will make us feel like “Super”man.

Your mild mannered husband is in the dark and dangerous hallway, balancing on a treacherous footstool, gallantly risking electrocution while changing out a light bulb. The same light bulb that has been burned out for the last week.

Seeing this you have a few options available to you.

Do you...
A. Notice to yourself and turn back to what you were doing beforehand?
B. Accost him verbally by exclaiming, “It’s about time you got to doing that. I asked you to do it a week ago.”
C. Take this opportunity to give him a list of other things that need to be done in the home.
D. Complain about how he is changing the light bulb, or better yet, bring up how your dad used to do it a certain way.
E. Thank him for changing the light bulb by placing your hand on his calf while saying, “Wow. Thanks for doing that for me. I so appreciate having someone in the house tall enough to get to that.” Followed by a soft kiss after he gets down.

If you answered or recognized yourself in any of the choices other than E, you have discovered the answer to the question I posed earlier. How you sometimes fail to recognize your power. When we are doing anything and you discount, demean or fail to even recognize it verbally, you are not using your power to it full strength.
Now comes the tricky part. Are you already thinking in your head, something like, “He already knows that” or “Really, that’s going to solve our challenges?”
Yes! Yes it is. The more wonder woman you are in everything we do. The more “Super”man we feel and do exactly what you need us to do. Whether it’s changing the light bulb or saving the day, the more we feel appreciated, the more we will do.

You will know when your task is accomplished by noticing his posture. If you have succeeded, he will tend to stand up straighter, pull his shoulders back, place his feet shoulder width apart and sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, he will place both his hands on his hips with his fists closed. Looking oddly familiar to a certain Man of Steel. This posture will become more and more permanent, depending on the frequency he hears these bits of wonderment.
Not surprisingly, the more you take this information to heart, and practice it, you yourself might find your posture looking very much the same as a certain Amazonian Princes. You will do so because of the pride you feel in the man you love.

I want you to remember back to a time when you were first dating each other. Most likely you were one hot “Wonder”woman. How do I know that? He asked you to marry him. That’s all the proof you need. Everything he did was cute, funny, sexy, charming, brave or inspiring. And you reacted accordingly. The more you were in wonder of him and he felt like “Super”man the more he wanted to do for you.
The principle does not change. Only the circumstances and the responses do.

Here’s what I am not saying. I am not saying to be patronizing, fake or insincere. He will read that on you and it will only cause him to feel more like “Under”dog as opposed to the Superman he needs to feel like. Are you not amazed that he works so hard for you and your family? Do you not love it when he hangs those shelves for you? Doesn’t it make your heart swell when he takes a moment to focus on what you need? Then the more you wonder on what he is doing, the more of those feelings towards him you will get.

Be his “Wonder”woman and he will be your “Super”man for the rest of your life.

Happy MLK Day.

Not much today. Spending it with my family.
This is really a great holiday and we all should be grateful and thankful to Dr. King.
Tomorrow is also a great day as an American. I am not a democrat or an Obama fan. I also believe if Colin Powell would have run for President 8 years ago, he would have been the first African- American President. However, The fact that we are the only major country in the world to elect a minority, who only a few short years ago was not even allowed to vote, say's a whole lot about this wonderful country of ours. This is the greatest country in the world, where ANYONE can get, do and be whatever they want.
God Bless America!

Rules for arguing!

As we established, arguing is an important part of your relationship. I should probably mention that doing so in front of your young children, not the best idea. However, as your young children get older, it's good for them to know that mom and dad have feelings as well and sometimes we even get angry with each other. If you are going to let them know that, you also need to show them how you end the argument as well. Our kids have seen or over heard us in an argument and later we have sat them down to tell them we had resolved the issue and we made up. Why do this? It teaches them a few things.
#1 Just like they get frustrated with their siblings or friends, mom and dad sometimes get frustrated at each other. In other words, we're human too.
#2 Children need to see a healthy (for lack of a better word) way to resolve upset feelings.
#3 They need to see an example of the humility and charity that comes along with ending the argument.
#4 Lastly, they need to see examples of how to stand up for a point of view. This way they feel it is okay to say how they feel instead of holding it all inside.

So how do you argue?
We already established need to argue. Some studies have show couples who fight have a stronger marriage.

#1- Make it a Fair Fight
The goal here is to grow together not winning at any cost. If one spouse wins...both lose.

No Name Calling
Especially derogatory names such as "stupid", "idiot" or "looser". As discussed in a previous entry, name calling is only degrades the relationship and the one doing the calling. No calling family members or good friends names either. The argument is between the two of you. It might be about someone else, but they are not involved and should not be used as a reason.

Do Not Involve Other People
Sometime people want to get a third party involved, like a family member or friend. The challenge here is when the argument is over. You and your spouse might have moved on, but the outside party is now stuck with the knowledge and could have a one sided opinion of one of you. If the issue is not able to be resolved between the two of you, get a professional or even a religious leader who can help. Keep family out of it!

The Past is the Past
Don't bring in old trash, it only tends to stink up the place. If you have already resolved and issue, you can not bring it up as a weapon in the present.The past is the past and if you can not get past the past, you have no right to throw it in your spouses face. That is a you "challenge" not a "them" challenge.

Stay focused on the Subject
Don't make it an all out brawl where you bring up ten different topics just so you can overwhelm the other person. Make your point clear and specific.

Don't Go to Bed Angry
I believe it is better to finish what has been started when it comes to arguments. Unresolved anger can destroy intimacy.
That being said, don't force the issue. If one is to frustrated and wants needs to get away from the issue, don't make it worse by forcing the argument to continue. Let it go for now if you both can agree to discuss it later.

Maintain a Sense of Humor
In order to do this, the comic Bill Evengal jokes about how his buddy told him to try arguing naked. That way the argument is guaranteed to be short, because how can two people seriously argue for any length of time when they are naked while doing so. The point is to remember that if you keep your sense of humor, not laughing at the other person or making fun of their point of view, it's always good to be able to laugh at yourself. BTW- Ladies, I can almost guarantee, if you decided to argue naked with your husband, you would almost always win the argument and they would not last very long.

Look in Each Others Eyes/ Don't roll them
According to a study by Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington, couples who's body language included even simple things such as eye rolling, deflective posture as in arms crossed, and non eye contact is a strong indicator of future divorce.
Stop what you are doing and look at your spouse when arguing.

Follow those rules and your arguments will be productive and positive experiances.

Arguments are good for you!

Have you ever heard someone say, when it came to their relationship, they "never argue"? Whenever I hear anyone say that I automatically think one of two things. "Bull poop!" or "What's wrong with you?"
Arguments are important in a relationship. It gives the two of you a chance to grow in your relationship, not feel like one is dominating over the other, it stimulates a sense of respect for each other, it gives a chance to learn humility and charity and most importantly, it gives you a chance to make up with each other.

Of course, I am not suggesting you get in to or stay in a hostile relationship. Nor am I condoning fighting, physical or mental abuse, or any type of forced submissiveness is good for you. If you are in a relationship where this is the case, get out! I hope that is clear enough.

The point here is, there are going to be disagreements in a relationship and those disagreements, if done right, can and will be great for your relationship.

So let's pick apart the reasons why I mentioned above.

1. It gives you a chance to grow.
When we get to hear another point of view we always have two choices. Ignore it and pay no attention to it or take it in and learn. In essence, whenever we learn we grow.
T. Harv Eker. Author of the book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, often uses the phrase, "If you are not growing, you are dying." Just like a plant. Either the plant is growing or it is dying. Staying in a static state is impossible.
When you argue you have the choice to ignore the other person and what they are asking for or you can grow by listening, even if it isn't exactly what you want to hear, and figure out how you can give them what it is they want.

2. Not Feel Dominated
In a relationship it is good to express yourself and your opinion, at the right place and the right time, so you feel like you are a contributing part of the relationship. If you always hold your tongue, or never give your opinion, you will end up feeling as if you don't really matter. It is a quick way to a depressing lifestyle. When you express your opinion, it also allows for the nest point...

3. It stimulates a sense of respect for your spouse.
As a husband, I want to know my wife has an opinion. It makes me have respect for the person I am along this journey with. Hearing her opinion lets me know I have married a strong, intelligent and often passionate woman who will in turn, teach that to my girls and my son will look for that in a woman. Any man who does not want his wife to express her opinion and to only keep quiet is a not what I call a man. He is a male person who is only interested in dominating and controlling, full of pride.
As a Christian man, we believe there is an order of things in a marriage. That the man is the head of the household. Sometimes this gives the man a sense of unrighteous dominance over their wife. This is not of God. The wife is a helper to the husband.
"The Lord intended that the wife be a helpmeet for man (meet means equal)—that is, a companion equal and necessary in full partnership. Presiding in righteousness necessitates a shared responsibility between husband and wife; together you act with knowledge and participation in all family matters. For a man to operate independent of or without regard to the feelings and counsel of his wife in governing the family is to exercise unrighteous dominion."- Howard W. Hunter
When you hear each others' opinions, it should give you more respect for them because they actually have one. having their own opinion or a dissenting one from yours does not take anything away form you. You might not agree with it, and yet because they have one, you should appreciate it.

4. It gives you a chance to show humility and charity to each other.
There is an old saying, attributed to a sergeant major in Vietnam that goes, "Is this the hill you want to die on?" It goes along with another saying, "Choose your battles wisely."
In a marriage, this is great counsel.
In an argument, you get the chance to choose when and how you are going to relent your point of view.
I remember hearing a long time ago, by whom I don't remember, that all argument is selfish. It's just a matter of one or both of you being selfish. Arguing correctly gives you an opportunity to be humble and at a certain point say, "I'm sorry" or "Your right". When you do this you humble yourself to a greater good...the peace in your marriage and home. EVEN IF YOU ARE RIGHT, (and I know you are), it is better to choose the right hill, than it is to "die" alone being "right".

5. You get to make up!
Obviously the best part of arguing! There are so many ways you get to make up as well. From a simple "I'm sorry", which gives you a sense of relief and humility and them a feeling of gratitude. All the way to my favorite way, yep you guessed it, dinner and a movie.......no! Of course it's sex. Yep I'm a man, and if you believe in astrology, I'm also a Scorpio (look it up) so what's your point? If you read any of my other blogs on the subject you will also know there are many other benefits to this form of making up as well.
"Make up sex" is a great form of getting back to each other in an intimate way. Both of you giving of yourselves both physically and emotionally. Done right, it is also a great way to show charity towards each other.

Now that we know the 5 reasons it is good to have an argument, tomorrow we will talk about the rules of arguing.

The most important qualities in a marriage.

For the last 5 days you might have noticed and hopefully taken part in the 5 most important qualities poll on this blog. I got the idea of that poll from an article I read where they basically did the same poll. The only difference was there were more words on the other poll. Even more interesting is the fact that as long as this poll has been around, January of 2003, the poll has been taken 1,836 times.
In our poll the top three qualities you picked were, Trust, Love and Communication. In that order.
Your answers were consistent with the 1,836 other times the poll has been taken. As a matter of fact the top 10 answers have not changed since the beginning of the survey.
Love and trust have traded places a few times, but they remain in the top three each time.
We had a few write-in's asking why "this" word or "that" word was not on the survey and I thought that was great, because it meant people were passionate about what they were looking for. Due to the gadget I used, I could only fit a specific amount of words on the survey. So I though I would give you a list of all the words the makers of the survey have had to add to the list throughout the years. If you have one you think should be on there and it is not, please let me know and I will add it for you.

TOP TEN
Honesty
Love
Trust
Communication
Respect
Commitment
Humor
Support
Compassion
Dependable

THE NEXT TWELVE
Openness
Kindness
Faith
Caring
Sensitivity
Tolerance
Fun Loving
Generosity
Nurturing
Gentleness
Intimacy
Loyalty

Why I blog about marriage?

I have a passion for marriage just like successful business owners have a passion for their business. I love waking up everyday excited about being next to the woman I love and love growing with, just like successful business owners wake up everyday excited about their day of growing their business. I am emotionally engaged and at my best when I am working along side or with the support of my wife for a specific goal, just like successful business people are emotionally engaged and at their best when they are working with their employees to create a business that benefits everyone involved. At the end of the day, I lay my head down next to her knowing I have done everything I could do to make our family the best it could be, both in and out of the home, by being the best I could be, just like successful business owners lay their heads down at the end of the day believing they have done all they could do to make the world a better place through their business.
I enjoy looking at the business structure of companies like Google, Microsoft and Pixar Animation. If you walk into the doors of those companies, you will see people rolling along on scooters, people in casual clothes and having fun, all the while being highly productive. The owners of these companies believe the freedom to have fun and be creative, while working towards a common goal, within a structure of business, allows their employees to be their best. I don’t think anyone can argue against the success of these and other companies like them.
There are many other very successful companies that have a more traditional business structure like Merrill Lynch and Allied Insurance. In those companies the employees will typically be in suits and skirts. They too are successful because they have an expectation of quality and professionalism.
Both types of companies are successful, in spite of their differences, because they both recognize that the system is what matters. Every marriage is unique and different because of the people that are involved, and I am in no way suggesting that they should all be alike. What I believe to be true is when any marriage has a system in place, focusing on each others, as well as their joint success they will achieve that success to a greater measure than they could possibly imagine. That means that any two people, with a specific outlook and goal for their marriage, can have success.
I want every marriage to be as successful as a Fortune 500 Company.

The Present

Successful companies are always forward thinking. They are consistently looking at their goals and finding out the smartest and fastest ways to make them happen by working on it today. They don’t let the hope of the future stop them from working on the business today. Likewise they don’t sit around focusing on failures of yesterday. Think of Donald Trump, at one point he was billions of dollars in debt, had bad business deals left and right and virtually lost all of his daddy’s money. He could have chosen to sit around and play the poor me game. Instead he turned it around, working one day at a time, focusing on what he could do today to change things and look at him now.
Successful companies know, the more they focus on today, the faster they will get to tomorrow.
Sometimes, in marriage, we tend to either look at what he or she didn’t do or what we are afraid they will do and that thought process only stops us from living in the now.

People who spend their time focusing on the past are always more depressed. Likewise those who only focus on the future of what could be, live in a state of anxiety. The only way to truly live and exist in your marriage is to live in the today.

There is nothing you can do about either the past or the future. Changing the past is as impossible as controlling the future.

Live your life in the NOW and remember.

In the movie Evan Almighty, with Steve Carrell, Evan is upset when God has given him a task of building an Ark. At one point Evan is venting his frustration and says, "But I had all these plans for my life." At this, God starts to laugh at Evan. Saying, "You had all theses plans" and continues to laugh.
It is a great illustration of the saying "Man plans; God laughs."

You have to get to a point where life is a day to day experience. Learn from the past, don't live in it.

Hope for the future, don't try to control it.

As Master Uguei in Kung Fu Panda say's, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That's why it's called the Present."

Embrace your marriage day to day. Make everyday a day to renew your love for one another.

You got to market to each other.

If you walk into a Doctors office and there were dust webs in the corners of the walls, filth on the floor, the paint on the walls was old and chipping off, the furniture in the lobby looked broken down and smelled bad, the magazines were all from 10 years ago and the doctor told you that he doesn’t believe in going to classes to update his skills because, “If it was good enough then it’s good enough now.”

Ladies, how many of you would want that Dr. as your OBGYN?
Guy’s; how about for your prostate exam?

Businesses that do not keep up with the latest trends or continually market to their customer base will not be in business for very long. Finding new clients is only part of the battle. Long term retention of loyal clients is the key to a company’s ultimate success.
During the dating process both parties involved usually do everything they can to attract the other sex. Too often, once the “catch” has been caught, one or both spouses begin to relax their appearance. Now that they are in a long-term relationship, maintaining a fabulous outward appearance doesn’t seem to be such a high priority. This is backwards to how it should be. It makes more sense to look our best for the one we love, not for that blind date we’ll never see again.
It’s each spouse’s responsibility to take care of them selves physically, mentally, spiritually so they are always bringing their best self to the marriage.

The Dr. Office example is also relevant to your home. It always surprises me when I walk into a home that has not been taken care of. Not in a need to fix the sink type of way but in a hey, lets just throw anything anywhere and not pick up after ourselves way. If you don’t care about the upkeep and care of your home, does it not spill over into your romantic life with your spouse? The home should be a sanctuary from the outside world for you and your family. However, if it resembles the Dr. Office spoken above, the desire to return will also be diminished.

Especially in the bedroom. I have seen master bedrooms, the place where the most intimate and loving parts of relationships are supposed to express them selves, that look more like a storage unit than a place of love and togetherness. The marriage bed should be a place that is warm and inviting, a place where you and your spouse feel comfortable sharing and expressing with each other. Not a place of darkness and despair. If you have to move the pile of old clothes or brush off the crumbs from your bed in order to get into it, there is a challenge you should look at.

I am not saying that all homes should be spotless and free of clutter or dirt at all times. Believe me I lived in that house growing up with my parents and there was definitely no correlation between the house and my parents staying together. The point is your home needs to be a place where love and joy can reside not a place where, junk an
dirt are allowed to suppress your full feelings for one another. It’s all part of the marketing process.

With yourselves, do you do whatever you can to get the attention of your spouse?

Ladies; do you expect your husband’s to swoon over your lack of makeup, pulled back hair into a pony-tail and sack dresses?

Guys; do you think your wife looks lovingly at you as you sit on the couch with your hand down your pants, without showering for two to three days, no deodorant all while letting loose with your gas?

These examples may seem extreme, however I encourage you to look where you are or are not marketing properly to your spouse.

Marketing is all about getting the attention of your audience.
Advertising is all about making them want what you got.