Posts
In the past three weeks Shannon and I have seen three or four different, so called romantic comedies. (Hey I like an occasional chick flick) Each one of them followed almost the same pattern. Guy and girl meet under false pretense, where one of them is pretending to be something they are not, then under the worst of circumstances they fall in love, the secret is revealed, they hate each other until one of them desperately confesses their love for the other and all is forgiven. They then live happily ever after.
This plot is not at all original and is to be expected when going to this type of movie. No one is expecting an Academy Award to come out of it.
However, I have been noticing a disturbing trend lately. Most, if not all, the characters are jerks!
It's mostly the guy characters, but the fact that these women would actually choose this type of guy, no matter how heart felt the speech at the end is, is sad and pathetic. Why is it the leading man's qualities, girls are supposed to swoon over, include him being as crude as possible, with virtually no redeeming qualities? When did it become okay to portray the "man of her dreams" as a looser who either doesn't have a job, lies to get what he wants or is just an all out idiot when it comes to how to treat a woman. Then excuse it all in the end because he looks good, has a killer smile, well all's forgiven because he really LOVEs her.
Look I've never thought that what is portrayed in movies should be an example or a goal for anyone to desire. But come on! If this is all the young girls and woman see on the screen, will they be more willing to accept that behavior in real life?
Unfortunately this type of story is becoming more and more prevalent. Just last week I saw another trailer for a upcoming movie where the guy is a literal male slut, sleeping with every thing that walks. At one point he is shown the hundreds of girls he's slept with and dumped, only to later be reunited with his "child hood sweetheart" who, of course is a successful, attractive and all around nice person.. Then after a few mishaps and most likely some lame speech, all is forgiven and he's now the guy of her dreams. It makes me vomit a little in my mouth. What kind of woman really wants to be with a walking STD?
All this example really does is tell young men, they can act like jerks as long as they ask for forgiveness in the end. Is there any wonder why young men, and a lot of 30 somethings as well, don't know how to be MEN. They seem to have no clue how to truly date and "woo" a woman.
In my disgust that this is what is being passed off as romance or acceptable behavior, I then have to realize who is actually writing these scripts. It's young, mostly unmarried, guys (I refuse to call them men) who have no real relationship experience at all. It is these losers who are telling our daughters this type of behavior is acceptable.
The true manly examples of characters like, Mr. Darcy, Wesley (The Dread Pirate Roberts), or William Thacker are what women need to see more of on screen. Men who might be a bit goofy or not as swave but still know that anatomy humor or torrid hook ups are not the way to a woman's heart.
I hope this Valentines day all the fathers out there will show their daughters how a real man treats the woman he loves by romancing his wife, their mother, the old fashioned way. Through her heart and mind.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
How to pay back the "Stimulus" in less time with better results!
I have to confess to not having read the entire proposed stimulus that President Obama is going to get passed. However, I would actually be willing to bet there is nothing in the package giving money toward any type of positive marriage programs. I would actually be shocked if, out of all the "pork" in the bill there was even one red cent given to pre-marital counseling programs or separation counseling. If we can give government money to support abortions in other countries or give millions to pay people in "volunteer" programs (yep you read that correctly) why not give money to programs that actually can improve the most sacred institution of all; marriage.
In a study by the Institute for Marriage and Public Policy researchers found that the cost of fragmented (divorced and unwed childbearing) families on the US taxpayer is $112 billion a year. That’s billion with a “B” coming out of your wallet. A little over 1/9th the entire package, in one year. Over one decade that calculates to over $1.1 trillion. However, if the rate of fragmented families was reduced by just 10 percent, taxpayers would save over $10 billion annually.
So just by a 10% decrease in divorces and fragmented families, we as tax payers, (recent cabinent nominated congressmen and women excluded), would save over $100 billion dollars in the next 10 years. Not to mention the fact that we would have a stronger, more solvent society, with a focus on the family. With a government that actually encourages strong and thriving marriages and family unity. So tell me again, why is there nothing in the bill that does this?
I know that $2.4 billion for "neighborhood stabilization activities" is very important, can't figure out exactly why right at this moment but, how about a tax cut for those who take premarital counseling. After all, evidence shows that pre-marital counseling decreases the chance of divorce by 30%. If that happened we would save over $30 billion a year and $300 Billion over the next decade. In just 10 years, by a decrease in the divorce rate alone, we would have paid back over 1/3 of the entire bill. What a gift that would be to the next generation. So isn't that worth some sort of stimulus injection?
I know this one is a crazy idea, what about a larger tax credit for people who adopt a child into a two parent home. (I'm talking triple or 4x what they get now). Even crazier would be to give one to young girls who take education classes on the benefits of adoption and then actually give their baby up for adoption. I know, I know, I can hear the abortion rights people screaming something about that idea being like baby brokering, or whatever. It's foolish of me to think we should spend any money on something like that when we need to fund more abortions, even if they're not in this country. But I digress.
There’s an old saying that no one really cares about something until it affects their own pocketbook. If that’s what it takes really takes for people to start wanting to do something about it, then maybe my plan has some legs.
Divorce is not often looked at as a financial challenge when it comes to anyone other than those immediately involved, yet it effects all of us. Therefore the promotion of happy and healthy marriages would undoubtedly have the same effect, just in a much more positive way.
In a study by the Institute for Marriage and Public Policy researchers found that the cost of fragmented (divorced and unwed childbearing) families on the US taxpayer is $112 billion a year. That’s billion with a “B” coming out of your wallet. A little over 1/9th the entire package, in one year. Over one decade that calculates to over $1.1 trillion. However, if the rate of fragmented families was reduced by just 10 percent, taxpayers would save over $10 billion annually.
So just by a 10% decrease in divorces and fragmented families, we as tax payers, (recent cabinent nominated congressmen and women excluded), would save over $100 billion dollars in the next 10 years. Not to mention the fact that we would have a stronger, more solvent society, with a focus on the family. With a government that actually encourages strong and thriving marriages and family unity. So tell me again, why is there nothing in the bill that does this?
I know that $2.4 billion for "neighborhood stabilization activities" is very important, can't figure out exactly why right at this moment but, how about a tax cut for those who take premarital counseling. After all, evidence shows that pre-marital counseling decreases the chance of divorce by 30%. If that happened we would save over $30 billion a year and $300 Billion over the next decade. In just 10 years, by a decrease in the divorce rate alone, we would have paid back over 1/3 of the entire bill. What a gift that would be to the next generation. So isn't that worth some sort of stimulus injection?
I know this one is a crazy idea, what about a larger tax credit for people who adopt a child into a two parent home. (I'm talking triple or 4x what they get now). Even crazier would be to give one to young girls who take education classes on the benefits of adoption and then actually give their baby up for adoption. I know, I know, I can hear the abortion rights people screaming something about that idea being like baby brokering, or whatever. It's foolish of me to think we should spend any money on something like that when we need to fund more abortions, even if they're not in this country. But I digress.
There’s an old saying that no one really cares about something until it affects their own pocketbook. If that’s what it takes really takes for people to start wanting to do something about it, then maybe my plan has some legs.
Divorce is not often looked at as a financial challenge when it comes to anyone other than those immediately involved, yet it effects all of us. Therefore the promotion of happy and healthy marriages would undoubtedly have the same effect, just in a much more positive way.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Become bigger than the challenge
I often talk about having "challenges" instead of "problems". In a previous post I explained that a problem is something your mind automatically puts as a negative and possible stopping point, whereas a "challenge" is something your mind can distinguish as something that can be overcome.
One way to over come that challenge was taught to me by T. Harv Eker. even though he still uses the word "Problem" (I'll bring him over to my side someday) the principle still works. And for our purposes I will continue to use the word challenge.
If you want to get over a challenge faster, you have to become someone who is bigger than that particular challenge. Playing small serves no one. Especially when it comes to challenges in your life or relationship.
I'll use Harv's chart example to explain.
If you have a level 5 challenge and you are a level 3 person. That's
a big challenge.
However if you have a level 5 challenge and you are a level 8 person, now it's a small challenge.
Become a level 10 person and it's no challenge at all.
We are all going to have challenges in life. No matter who you are, they will arise. So stop trying to get rid of challenges and start becoming bigger than they are.
If you are having a particular challenge in your marriage, become bigger than the challenge. the fastest and quickest way to do this is by getting educated on wys you can overcome that challenge.
Read books, go to trainings, of course come to one of my events, read this blog as you are or watch the Youtube videos. You have to take action and want to overcome it. Some challenges won't be overcame over night. That is no reason to stop trying.
Just because the hurdle runner knocks over one, two or three hurdles on his way to the finish line, doesn't mean he is not able to ultimately win the race.
One way to over come that challenge was taught to me by T. Harv Eker. even though he still uses the word "Problem" (I'll bring him over to my side someday) the principle still works. And for our purposes I will continue to use the word challenge.
If you want to get over a challenge faster, you have to become someone who is bigger than that particular challenge. Playing small serves no one. Especially when it comes to challenges in your life or relationship.
I'll use Harv's chart example to explain.
If you have a level 5 challenge and you are a level 3 person. That's
a big challenge.However if you have a level 5 challenge and you are a level 8 person, now it's a small challenge.
Become a level 10 person and it's no challenge at all.
We are all going to have challenges in life. No matter who you are, they will arise. So stop trying to get rid of challenges and start becoming bigger than they are.
If you are having a particular challenge in your marriage, become bigger than the challenge. the fastest and quickest way to do this is by getting educated on wys you can overcome that challenge.
Read books, go to trainings, of course come to one of my events, read this blog as you are or watch the Youtube videos. You have to take action and want to overcome it. Some challenges won't be overcame over night. That is no reason to stop trying.
Just because the hurdle runner knocks over one, two or three hurdles on his way to the finish line, doesn't mean he is not able to ultimately win the race.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
What's their currency?
Do you know what your spouse's currency is? What makes them tick? How do you know they know, you love them?
I've talked before about letting your spouse know what makes you feel loved. This is a bit of a continuation of that idea.
We all have things we want, love, cherish or desire of our own. So it makes sense your spouse does as well. It might be time to read a book in a bath with an empty house. It might be a day at the spa. It might be just being able to sit and watch the game without interruption or a round of golf on Saturday instead of the normal Honey-do list.
Currency, is that thing you can give to your spouse without expecting anything, except their well being, in return. It is not a "because I let you do this, you owe me this."
This is very important to understand. When we "allow" an activity such as a golf da
y or a shopping with out the kids day, only to hold that over your spouses head as to why they must now do this or that for you, it takes away the pleasure they should be able to enjoy during their time away.As Valentines day approaches, instead of the usual candy, flowers and cards, figure out what your spouse's currency is and give that to them instead.
Give him a Saturday with no lists. Give her a girls night out. If you truly get into it and really give from your heart, you will gain so much more in the end.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Seperation vs. Divorce
I have recently become a fan of a great speaker on Marriage. His name is Mark Gungor. He is a pastor and a very funny relationship expert.
This entry of his was so on point.
If people would stop rushing to the divorce line and step back for a minute. Take a beep breath and give them selves a bit of a "time out", I would bet the divorce rate would decrease.
Why is it we are willing to tell our kids they need to work situations out, such as arguments with siblings, yet when it comes to marriage, too many are willing to go straight to divorce.
Isn't the time and lives invested in your marriage worth a second look?
It gives you an opportunity to focus your attention on what is important. If you are both willing to fall in love again and create a plan for success, you can and will find that passion and desire for each other again.
Here is what Mark had to say.
This entry of his was so on point.
If people would stop rushing to the divorce line and step back for a minute. Take a beep breath and give them selves a bit of a "time out", I would bet the divorce rate would decrease.
Why is it we are willing to tell our kids they need to work situations out, such as arguments with siblings, yet when it comes to marriage, too many are willing to go straight to divorce.
Isn't the time and lives invested in your marriage worth a second look?
It gives you an opportunity to focus your attention on what is important. If you are both willing to fall in love again and create a plan for success, you can and will find that passion and desire for each other again.
Here is what Mark had to say.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Live events
Here is a little sample of one of my live events. It was given recently to a small company in the area for employees and their spouses.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
The higher the emotion the lower the IQ
Think of it. Have you ever been in an argument or in a space where you were really angry and you just couldn't get out the point of view you wanted to? Then a few hours after the event, you had calmed down and all of the sudden had the perfect come back or the information you were looking for just came to you.
It happens to all of us.
I used to think it only dealt with anger, however I realized it also works the same with good emotions. That's why we tend to make bad decisions when we are in a euphoric feeling of "love". This is where many people get in trouble when it comes to relationships or choosing the right spouse, because they "Fell in Love".
Unfortunately John Lennon was wrong, Love is NOT all you need! The idea that because you love someone is a good enough reason to marry them is insane!
Have I got your attention now?
Loving someone is never a good enough reason to continue dating them, especially if you are looking for a match to marry. I know the movies and television tell you consistently that love is all you need and that love conquers all. Well, this is your wake up call. Love is only a component. There are many other, and at times more important qualities you should rely on. Too often the excuse, “But I love him” is used to stay in a relationship that is going nowhere or even worse, degrading one or the both of you.
As human beings we are built to love. It’s in our chemical makeup. The following is from a study about what chemically happens to us when we “Fall in love”.
“…when we fall in love we are falling into a stream of naturally occurring amphetamines running through the emotional centers of our very own brains. That is why we feel exhilarated, manic, powerful, creative, suddenly grown up if we are young and suddenly rejuvenated if we are older. The ecstasy of love is located in our nerves; we get high; we speed. Eventually, our nerves being what they are, their endings become amphetamine immune or exhausted, and the delirium of our free fall abates. We come down to earth.” Young-Bruehl, Elisabeth.
Where Do We Fall When We Fall In Love?
Journal for the Psychoanalysis of Culture and Society - Volume 8, Number 2, Fall 2003, pp. 279-288
The act of falling in and out of “love” with something or someone happens to us many times throughout our lives. This gives us the opportunity to learn and grow. Love comes and goes in various forms and degrees. What you are “in love” with today will not be what you are in love with tomorrow. And here’s the reason why “LOOOVVVEEE” is not enough of a reason to someone… falling in and out of love will continue to happen FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Even with the person you do end up marring!
I know there are mornings my wife wakes up, rolls over and thinks, “Who the H-E -double hokey sticks did I marry?” If not mornings, there are definitely moments! Even hours and I dare say days. How do I know this? Because there are days where I’m not “in love” with my wife. I would venture to say that every person, provided they are not hopped up on some sort of psychiatric drug, has gone at least a day or two without feeling love towards their spouse. At least not the feeling of euphoric love used by many to stay with someone they shouldn’t. We just read what happens to the brain when we fall in love. Did you see the last part there?
“Eventually, our nerves being what they are, their endings become amphetamine immune or exhausted, and the delirium of our free fall abates. We come down to earth.”
Meaning we all will have that “roll over” moment. It’s physiology. Where we really learn the power of commitment is not during the “love” stages of our relationship, it’s understood in the down stages. In the moments where we decide to fall in love over and over and over again, and we choose to do so because of our commitment to something greater than ourselves.
I use words like “decide” and “choose” on purpose. Loving someone is a choice. Something you decide to do on a moment by moment basis. It’s like weight lifting.
In weight lifting, in order to “bulk up” you have to work out on a consistent, almost daily basis. Let’s suppose your goal is to become Mr. or Ms. Olympia, one of the biggest titles in weight lifting. You know there is no way possible for you to gain that title by working out two or three days a week. To be the best in that sport you have to work out a minimum of 6 days a week, at least 5 hours a day. Why? Of course building muscle is important. However, keeping the muscle tone is as important as gaining it. The only way to insure you keep that muscle tone is to consistently work out on an almost daily basis. It’s a huge commitment. Without the daily decision to continue with the workouts, they will never come close to reaching that goal.
It’s the same with the goal of having a successful and thriving marriage. Love is a muscle that must be exercised on a daily basis. If you don’t work that muscle every day, you will quickly loose the “tone” of that muscle. It must be worked on daily as well as understood, the more you work on it the stronger it will get.
Some people falsely think that if they wake up one morning without that feeling of love, it’s a sign and they focus on that as opposed creating a new feeling. Unfortunately, in our society today, too often people learn this lesson after getting married and then, instead of deciding to fall in love again, they “cut their losses” and divorce.
This is why I have this topic as the first topic and why I think it is so important to understand. If you get this in your dating process and you do it right, you will save yourself and possibly others a lot of hurt and pain.
If you are already married, this is where this book is so important for you. This book’s purpose it to help you understand that your marriage is a choice. EVERY DAY and EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY. Your choice is to fall in love again and again and again or not. And that choice will be made easier if you have the right foundation and plan for the success of your marriage.
Just like the saying “Life is what happens, when your busy making other plans”, I believe “Marriage is what happens between falling in and out of love with each other.”
Out of all the necessary factors that should go into a decision of marriage namely, honesty, trust, communication, respect, commitment, humor, support, compassion, dependable, loyalty, intimacy, openness, kindness, faith, caring, sensitivity, tolerance, fun loving, generosity, nurturing, gentleness, hard working, reliable, active…just to name a few, LOVE is only a small factor in which to base such an important decision.
Let’s not forget, for centuries and even in some cultures today, arranged marriages; unions where the two getting married sometimes never even met one another till the wedding day, have flourished and grown into great marriages. Why? Because outside sources, usually a mother and a father, who have known the children literally from birth, are looking for the best match for marriage. The decision is based on taking the emotion out of the equation. It has nothing to do with a feeling or fleeting passion. It has to do with what is best for the children.
Oh I can hear it now; all the complaints and excuses, “But what about love?” “What about freedom”, “What about passion”, blah, blah, blah.
Am I advocating arranged marriages? No!....
Only for my two girls! I’m kidding! (kind of)
I only use this as an example to point out that LOVE is not a reason to get married.
Please do not misinterpret me on this point. Love is definitely an important part in a marriage. However, to get married because of love alone is foolish.
So what are the reasons two people should get married? Or if you are married what are the reasons you got and should stay married?
Both are great questions. And that is exactly what this book is all about. I hope that after you are finished with this book you will have a great many reasons why you should be, get and stay married.
It happens to all of us.
I used to think it only dealt with anger, however I realized it also works the same with good emotions. That's why we tend to make bad decisions when we are in a euphoric feeling of "love". This is where many people get in trouble when it comes to relationships or choosing the right spouse, because they "Fell in Love".
Unfortunately John Lennon was wrong, Love is NOT all you need! The idea that because you love someone is a good enough reason to marry them is insane!
Have I got your attention now?
Loving someone is never a good enough reason to continue dating them, especially if you are looking for a match to marry. I know the movies and television tell you consistently that love is all you need and that love conquers all. Well, this is your wake up call. Love is only a component. There are many other, and at times more important qualities you should rely on. Too often the excuse, “But I love him” is used to stay in a relationship that is going nowhere or even worse, degrading one or the both of you.
As human beings we are built to love. It’s in our chemical makeup. The following is from a study about what chemically happens to us when we “Fall in love”.
“…when we fall in love we are falling into a stream of naturally occurring amphetamines running through the emotional centers of our very own brains. That is why we feel exhilarated, manic, powerful, creative, suddenly grown up if we are young and suddenly rejuvenated if we are older. The ecstasy of love is located in our nerves; we get high; we speed. Eventually, our nerves being what they are, their endings become amphetamine immune or exhausted, and the delirium of our free fall abates. We come down to earth.” Young-Bruehl, Elisabeth.
Where Do We Fall When We Fall In Love?
Journal for the Psychoanalysis of Culture and Society - Volume 8, Number 2, Fall 2003, pp. 279-288
The act of falling in and out of “love” with something or someone happens to us many times throughout our lives. This gives us the opportunity to learn and grow. Love comes and goes in various forms and degrees. What you are “in love” with today will not be what you are in love with tomorrow. And here’s the reason why “LOOOVVVEEE” is not enough of a reason to someone… falling in and out of love will continue to happen FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Even with the person you do end up marring!
I know there are mornings my wife wakes up, rolls over and thinks, “Who the H-E -double hokey sticks did I marry?” If not mornings, there are definitely moments! Even hours and I dare say days. How do I know this? Because there are days where I’m not “in love” with my wife. I would venture to say that every person, provided they are not hopped up on some sort of psychiatric drug, has gone at least a day or two without feeling love towards their spouse. At least not the feeling of euphoric love used by many to stay with someone they shouldn’t. We just read what happens to the brain when we fall in love. Did you see the last part there?
“Eventually, our nerves being what they are, their endings become amphetamine immune or exhausted, and the delirium of our free fall abates. We come down to earth.”
Meaning we all will have that “roll over” moment. It’s physiology. Where we really learn the power of commitment is not during the “love” stages of our relationship, it’s understood in the down stages. In the moments where we decide to fall in love over and over and over again, and we choose to do so because of our commitment to something greater than ourselves.
I use words like “decide” and “choose” on purpose. Loving someone is a choice. Something you decide to do on a moment by moment basis. It’s like weight lifting.
In weight lifting, in order to “bulk up” you have to work out on a consistent, almost daily basis. Let’s suppose your goal is to become Mr. or Ms. Olympia, one of the biggest titles in weight lifting. You know there is no way possible for you to gain that title by working out two or three days a week. To be the best in that sport you have to work out a minimum of 6 days a week, at least 5 hours a day. Why? Of course building muscle is important. However, keeping the muscle tone is as important as gaining it. The only way to insure you keep that muscle tone is to consistently work out on an almost daily basis. It’s a huge commitment. Without the daily decision to continue with the workouts, they will never come close to reaching that goal.
It’s the same with the goal of having a successful and thriving marriage. Love is a muscle that must be exercised on a daily basis. If you don’t work that muscle every day, you will quickly loose the “tone” of that muscle. It must be worked on daily as well as understood, the more you work on it the stronger it will get.
Some people falsely think that if they wake up one morning without that feeling of love, it’s a sign and they focus on that as opposed creating a new feeling. Unfortunately, in our society today, too often people learn this lesson after getting married and then, instead of deciding to fall in love again, they “cut their losses” and divorce.
This is why I have this topic as the first topic and why I think it is so important to understand. If you get this in your dating process and you do it right, you will save yourself and possibly others a lot of hurt and pain.
If you are already married, this is where this book is so important for you. This book’s purpose it to help you understand that your marriage is a choice. EVERY DAY and EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY. Your choice is to fall in love again and again and again or not. And that choice will be made easier if you have the right foundation and plan for the success of your marriage.
"Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by the removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient".
-Ambrose Bierce
Just like the saying “Life is what happens, when your busy making other plans”, I believe “Marriage is what happens between falling in and out of love with each other.”
Out of all the necessary factors that should go into a decision of marriage namely, honesty, trust, communication, respect, commitment, humor, support, compassion, dependable, loyalty, intimacy, openness, kindness, faith, caring, sensitivity, tolerance, fun loving, generosity, nurturing, gentleness, hard working, reliable, active…just to name a few, LOVE is only a small factor in which to base such an important decision.
Let’s not forget, for centuries and even in some cultures today, arranged marriages; unions where the two getting married sometimes never even met one another till the wedding day, have flourished and grown into great marriages. Why? Because outside sources, usually a mother and a father, who have known the children literally from birth, are looking for the best match for marriage. The decision is based on taking the emotion out of the equation. It has nothing to do with a feeling or fleeting passion. It has to do with what is best for the children.
Oh I can hear it now; all the complaints and excuses, “But what about love?” “What about freedom”, “What about passion”, blah, blah, blah.
Am I advocating arranged marriages? No!....
Only for my two girls! I’m kidding! (kind of)
I only use this as an example to point out that LOVE is not a reason to get married.
Please do not misinterpret me on this point. Love is definitely an important part in a marriage. However, to get married because of love alone is foolish.
So what are the reasons two people should get married? Or if you are married what are the reasons you got and should stay married?
Both are great questions. And that is exactly what this book is all about. I hope that after you are finished with this book you will have a great many reasons why you should be, get and stay married.
If they don't get it, show 'em!
At a recent event, a young lady approached me in distress over a matter with her husband. She told me how unhappy she was with the lack of affection he showed her.
"He never kisses me "just because" any more and hardly even hold my hand in public. At night, he would prefer to sit in his chair as opposed to sitting with me on the couch. In bed, he never rolls over just to snuggle me. As a matter of fact, the only time we share any intimacy is when I have to initiate sex."
She continued to get more and more upset as she went on with her complaint for the next few minutes. After she had finished, I asked a question that definitely stunned her. The question was simply this.
"Have you shown him what you want from him or how to act?"
After her stunned look she responded with, "What do you mean by that."
My response was direct and simple, "Have you gone up to him in public and kissed him while telling him how cute or sexy he is? Do you grab his hand when walking through the mall and tell him how happy he makes you? At night, do you go over to him and sit on his lap with a big hug and kiss, thanking him for being such a hard worker and providing for your family? Do you roll over at night and snuggle him while whispering how much he means to you?"
Again, stunned, she was looking a little more perturbed at me when she complained, "Why should I have to do those things? He should just want to."
And therein lies the challenge. In this case it applies to the female in the relationship, but that is not necessarily the norm. For our purposes we will focus on the female side of things.
Women need to understand, not all men are built with the "romance" or "affection" gene. However, they are willing to be taught it.
Men, by nature, are not the cuddly or touchy-feely types. You ladies are. The challenge comes because during the dating portion of your relationship, any touch or sign of affection was looked upon by you as proof that he was this way. (Frankly, because of the state of euphoria you are in during that time period ANY sign of those affections were taken to a dramatic degree so they can rarely be relied upon as a sign of what he will be like in the future). What you need to understand is like fading paint on a house or an old photograph, because of life happening, that "sign" often fades away as well.
Remember, when you were dating and he held your hand in public, it was a sign of, "Stay away, she's with me" to all other males in the area. Every thing he did when it comes to affection, was because he was getting something he wanted in return, both mentally and physically.
After life has been happening for a while those reasons of getting the "rewards", i.e. hand holding, snuggling and other signs of affection, tend to be taken for granted and can often slowly erode.
Women, being the wonderfully enhanced creatures you are, never forget....anything....ever! So in your mind when those signs of affection wean away, it is taken as a personal response to you. It must mean something. And when it's not what you want it to "look like", you tend to go into despair, nag and complain mode.
So let me give you the same answer I gave to that young lady.
Like software on a computer, men need to be updated from time to time. The way to do this is not by telling or nagging, because now you are becoming a mother figure telling him what to do. Even worse that what he "thinks" he is doing in the form of affection is not good enough. You have to show him by example.
When you show him what you want by doing it yourself to him, and tell him how much you like it when he does that to you, (NO MATTER HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN SINCE HE HAS DONE THAT TO YOU) he now has upgraded "software" and has a better idea of what you want.
Here's what I mean:
If you want him to hold your hand more often, be the first to grab his and give him your "special smile" (you know the one) when you do. Then say something like, "I really love holding your hand. It fit's so perfectly in mine."
At night if he is sitting in his chair and you want him up on the couch with you, go over to him, sit on his lap and tell him it's more comfortable over on the couch with you, if he would care to join you. When he does so say something like, "I love sitting with you, it makes it easier to give you a kiss when you are closer to me."
It's very simple, show him the action you desire from him and then tell him why you like that thing. This gives him the new knowledge he requires and can jog memories of the past you both used to enjoy.
"He never kisses me "just because" any more and hardly even hold my hand in public. At night, he would prefer to sit in his chair as opposed to sitting with me on the couch. In bed, he never rolls over just to snuggle me. As a matter of fact, the only time we share any intimacy is when I have to initiate sex."
She continued to get more and more upset as she went on with her complaint for the next few minutes. After she had finished, I asked a question that definitely stunned her. The question was simply this.
"Have you shown him what you want from him or how to act?"
After her stunned look she responded with, "What do you mean by that."
My response was direct and simple, "Have you gone up to him in public and kissed him while telling him how cute or sexy he is? Do you grab his hand when walking through the mall and tell him how happy he makes you? At night, do you go over to him and sit on his lap with a big hug and kiss, thanking him for being such a hard worker and providing for your family? Do you roll over at night and snuggle him while whispering how much he means to you?"
Again, stunned, she was looking a little more perturbed at me when she complained, "Why should I have to do those things? He should just want to."
And therein lies the challenge. In this case it applies to the female in the relationship, but that is not necessarily the norm. For our purposes we will focus on the female side of things.
Women need to understand, not all men are built with the "romance" or "affection" gene. However, they are willing to be taught it.
Men, by nature, are not the cuddly or touchy-feely types. You ladies are. The challenge comes because during the dating portion of your relationship, any touch or sign of affection was looked upon by you as proof that he was this way. (Frankly, because of the state of euphoria you are in during that time period ANY sign of those affections were taken to a dramatic degree so they can rarely be relied upon as a sign of what he will be like in the future). What you need to understand is like fading paint on a house or an old photograph, because of life happening, that "sign" often fades away as well.
Remember, when you were dating and he held your hand in public, it was a sign of, "Stay away, she's with me" to all other males in the area. Every thing he did when it comes to affection, was because he was getting something he wanted in return, both mentally and physically.
After life has been happening for a while those reasons of getting the "rewards", i.e. hand holding, snuggling and other signs of affection, tend to be taken for granted and can often slowly erode.
Women, being the wonderfully enhanced creatures you are, never forget....anything....ever! So in your mind when those signs of affection wean away, it is taken as a personal response to you. It must mean something. And when it's not what you want it to "look like", you tend to go into despair, nag and complain mode.
So let me give you the same answer I gave to that young lady.
Like software on a computer, men need to be updated from time to time. The way to do this is not by telling or nagging, because now you are becoming a mother figure telling him what to do. Even worse that what he "thinks" he is doing in the form of affection is not good enough. You have to show him by example.
When you show him what you want by doing it yourself to him, and tell him how much you like it when he does that to you, (NO MATTER HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN SINCE HE HAS DONE THAT TO YOU) he now has upgraded "software" and has a better idea of what you want.
Here's what I mean:
If you want him to hold your hand more often, be the first to grab his and give him your "special smile" (you know the one) when you do. Then say something like, "I really love holding your hand. It fit's so perfectly in mine."
At night if he is sitting in his chair and you want him up on the couch with you, go over to him, sit on his lap and tell him it's more comfortable over on the couch with you, if he would care to join you. When he does so say something like, "I love sitting with you, it makes it easier to give you a kiss when you are closer to me."
It's very simple, show him the action you desire from him and then tell him why you like that thing. This gives him the new knowledge he requires and can jog memories of the past you both used to enjoy.
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